We have a busy family. We both work full time, stress can be high, DS3 is diagnosed autistic. DS2, just turned 6, is just being off the scale worrisome. This is long, I so appreciate the time you might take to read it.
Home
He's angry, can have 2 hour violent meltdowns, challenges us constantly, lies and says he's calmed down then the minute our back his turned he re-attacks. He's taken a knife to his brother twice the last week. Once he's calm he's super remorseful, can be a COMPLETE pleasure one on one. He thrives on pleasing us and likes feeling useful. He is totally hyperactive, cant sit still, cant stay at the dinner table, has trouble falling asleep, he physically cant stop moving even when lying down. He can be sensitive to noise and to clothes. He is a really really picky eater. And refuses to use cutlery most of the time. Prefers to be naked as much as possible. He is hyper sensitive to how he is perceived, gets hugely (too) upset if he thinks anyone is judging or mocking him. He resents being middle child and I can feel that massively. He is super jealous of the extra attention is autistic brother has had to have and things can be difficult or quite good with his (not very) older sister.
School
He has trouble not annoying his friends, he never starts fights but retaliates to being annoyed tenfold what he should. I wouldn't say he is violent like he is at home. He is really bright and seeks constant approval from the teacher. He cant sit still in class, is often sent out or punished for it. He is impulsive in doing silly and often dangerous things and is sent to the headmaster or to the reception class for timeout for them. The teacher praises him for his level of work but often complains he is disruptive, cant share or wait his turn to speak. He doesn't get invited on playdates and he has a reputation for being one of the difficult spirited kids amongst the parents.
Activities
He has been asked to leave judo permanently, not for being horrible, just for being completely unable to sit still or follow orders or stop talking. For football, he can have fights when he feels something unfair has happened. They wont let him join in the inside winter sessions, saying he is a child for the outdoors only. This week he is at football camp and the coach says hes disruptive, destructive, cant concentrate but sees he is sweet and has potential. He is extremely sporty and intensely competitive and is way ahead of his age in that respect when he wants to.
Out and about
He can be intensely shy, wont look or talk at strangers and cant take half an hour to settle anywhere new. He will even put his hand next to his eyes to avoid eye contact. One on one playdates at other peoples houses are massively appreciated and he enjoys them and they seem to go well. I get good feedback from the parents. He never really wants anyone to come here and if they do can end up ignoring them. Family trips out are often ruined by demanding behaviour.
Our Parenting
I am extremely patient, it takes a lot for me to crack. And I have on occasion. I prefer to try to ignore him, keep him and his siblings safe, defend myself without hitting and wait until he's calm and try and talk it through with hugs and understanding. I feel this works quite well. My husband is much less patient, will go head to head with him and I feel is too brutal in his discipline, although he's worked on this and he tries to replicate my parenting a bit more. His tantrums go from 0-100 in seconds so these nice interventions you read about in the internet are just not going to work in the heat of the moment.
Advice we've already had
A lovely psychologist who I trust (and also treats my depression) thinks ADHD is too simple a diagnosis and doesn't believe he has it and is critical of anyone forcing a diagnosis that young. She's tested his cognitive skills and thinks his very high scores on working memory etc means he cant have ADHD. He is very very bright and on the 87th percentile for intelligence, she thinks he could have scored higher on a better day. I love that she is cautious about diagnosing but e havent actually filled out the questionnaire tests for ADHD. She helped his teacher try to handle him better with behaviour charts but then that teacher went on maternity leave and it all went downhill with the replacement.
His pediatrician however is convinced he has ADHD and wants us to go to a neuropediatrician. His psychologist says he will be prescribed drugs very quickly and she has reservations about it. His pediatrician has an ADHD child and says everything Ive said matches her own experience. I also trust her too.
I am completely lost. All I know is the problem is getting worse not better and my awesome son is suffering socially and emotionally and I don't know what the solution is or who to listen to.
Would you be willing to relate to the above and share your own experiences or ideas?