Bad mum

[TigerLeo]

Last night I threw a bread basket at my husbands legs in a row - and in front of my 12 yr old DD. She then ran upstairs shocked. What do I say to her? Should I go for counselling? Am I an abusive patent?

Yes

I guess I am looking for advice about how to handle arguments with husband and how to discuss this with my 12 yr old daughter. Has anybody been through counselling for domestic arguments? Where do I go for help?

I would say sorry for scaring her, and that you were wrong to throw things at her dad. Tell her it's not ok for you to do that and you won't do it again.

You know it's abusive to become physically violent when you're arguing with your partner. You need counselling that covers anger management or specifically looks at abusive behaviour.

In the immediate term, if you feel you are losing your temper then walk away from any argument and say that you're becoming too angry to be rational.

What were you arguing about, and was that typical of how you react?

I was waiting for him in the rain because he was half-an-hour late bringing DD back from Guides (9:30 pm - it's only 5 mins away) and I was worried. We live on a very car congested road and as he came back in the car our neighbour was parking in front of our house and I asked her, really nicely, if she could budge up a bit so he could park too. She was fine about it and moved up a bit. He refused to park in front of the house and went down the road (in pouring rain). I was trying to help and he ignored me. When I asked him why (and why he was so late on s school night... he'd gone to supermarket to get milk) he could see I was angry and shouted back and then laughed at me. All sounds very childish I know, but I've been married to this man for 18 years and he just ignores and ridicules me. No team work, no anything really. I've had enough. It was a last straw moment. Desperate to remove him from my life but don't know how to explain to my 12 yr old.

Sorry for boring explanation.

I think it's a bit harsh to say you are an abusive parent unless this is a regular occurrence so be a bit kinder to yourself. I would sit with her and apologise, make it clear that it was wrong to act that way, reassure her it won't happen again and make sure you dont.
There really was no need for you to be standing in the rain - even if it was out of concern - if they got wet they were coming home where they could get dry quickly.
I wouldn't say anything to your daughter about wanting to remove her father from your life until you know how you are going to do so and even then I would emphasise to her that he will still be in hers.
I get the last straw thing but be prepared that he may belittle you and goad you further - you are going to need to bite your lip and not react no matter how hard it is.
I do hope you find a way of going forward.

I think you need to keep the two things very separate at the moment, don't connect the violence with wanting to separate.

His behaviour towards you sounds awful too, but it doesn't excuse your resorting to violence and throwing things at him.

I would look into begin the process of separating. I wouldn't bring it up with your DD until you know exactly what you're going to do. I also wouldn't discuss it with your husband just yet, until you've got an idea of what you'd like to happen. Let him do what he wants, as he seems to be doing anyway, and plan your life as if he isn't around to support you. Don't expect or rely on him, if at all possible.

I still think you should look into anger management counselling, as no matter how infuriated you are by his lack of respect, you need to be able to keep control.

Thank you for listening and taking the time to reply ThoseDarnBuns. I am very isolated because I do nothing but work and run the household, my 76 yr old mother has breast cancer and I haven't had time off since Christmas. On the other hand my daughter and I are healthy, we have food on the table and a roof over our heads so really nothing to complain about. Means a lot to me to blow of steam to an adult though, so thank you.

Thank you also to AssasinatedBeauty for useful feedback. Means a lot.

Is your mother near enough for a day visit? You could book a days annual leave off work and go and see her perhaps. Or just take a day or two for yourself at home instead?

Also, I realise I might not have sounded very sympathetic, sorry. I think it's a very difficult position to be in when your supposed life partner makes it clear he doesn't give a toss about you.

Do you have any real life support? I understand what it's like to not be able to rely on your husband and totally agree with Assassinated that it would be a good idea to just plan your life as if he wasn't around he seems very disrespectful and that can be demoralizing at the best of times - even more so when you have a lot going on.
Are you your mams sole support? That can be very hard too. If you feel things are getting on top of you (before you get to snapping point) would you consider going to your gp and talking to them they can suggest great ways to help with anger and stress not just medication. and . I do hope your chat with your daughter goes well.