I'm completely rubbish at this

[StripyDeckchair]

I wanted to put a stronger word than 'rubbish'.

Just had an argument with DH on the landing at 4am. DS is 9 weeks and EBF. He wakes every 2-3 hours and can be awake for 1.5 hours+ each time. Sometimes he is just awake full stop and all the wakings run into one another. I can't get him to sleep. I've posted on sleep forum about this and have tried every suggestion. Co-sleeping doesn't work because he is so noisy and latches so often that I don't get any sleep. It also make me extremely anxious. White noise works occasionally but only really to keep him from waking when he's already asleep. Nothing else has worked at all except holding him whilst he sleeps and I can't hold him all night, every night.

Tonight I asked DH to help me do one of the wakings (not the feeding but the settling). When it came to it I pretty quickly asked DH just to take him as I couldn't stay awake. DS was up for 2 hours, I think - 40 minutes feeding, 20 with both of us and then an hour with DH. He then went down for 50 mins before waking again at 2.50. By 4am after feeding and walking him up and down, up and bloody down the bedroom, with no effect, I was in tears. I even whispered to DS to shut up and go to sleep. DH heard me crying from the spare room and came in and tried to take DS. I know he's trying to help but he was so incredibly grumpy and made me feel like there's something horribly wrong with me. I insisted he go back to bed as he has work and I'm now sat on the sofa 2 hours+ later desperately trying to feed DS to sleep.

I do absolutely nothing all day. I didn't even get out of my pjs yesterday. I just feed and hold DS (who doesn't nap either). Tried a sling - he hated it. Will keep trying but I need to have the energy to face it and I just don't. Walked for 1.5 hours with him in the pram on Sunday and he slept for 30 mins.

I feel totally useless. I can't get my baby to sleep and I literally do nothing else. We have a cleaner once a fortnight and that's the only cleaning that gets done. DH does all the cooking. I've pretty much stopped trying to go out because I'm so tired most days.

This is my one and only job and I'm rubbish at it. DH can't do every flipping thing and work as well. I kept waiting for 6 weeks and thinking I'd get better at this but now we're 9 weeks in. I should have some clue at this point and be able to leave the bloody house.

Agree with trying different slings. Stretchy wraps are amazing. My eldest was a terrible napper but would sleep in the wrap for ages. I used to have to do a sort of fast skip to get her to sleep, and she used to cry, but once she was off, she stayed asleep. We also used a dummy. Have you tried having the white noise extremely loud? My DD liked hairdryer videos on YouTube turned up to max volume. It will get easier and you will get through this.

You're not even slightly rubbish. Not a bit. If you were rubbish, you'd let your baby cry, roll over and go back to sleep, tell him to shut the fuck up, hit him, neglect him. You're doing none of these things.
You do sound very down, and the rejecting help because you feel you 'should' be able to do it rings huge PND bells for me (that was me, when DD was little, it was HELL).

Listen, you aren't magical. You don't get born knowing how to soothe a baby. It isn't conferred upon you at birth. Some babies are content, some are clingy, some are screamy. I had a screamy one. Bad luck me, but not my fault.

Practical things: get HV to check there isn't tongue tie or reflux. Call today and get them to come to you, if possible. Find a breastfeeding support group - often they are hotter on tongue tie/latch problems/reflux, and hey, more help is better than less, right? I went to a group, sobbed uncontrollably on an amazing lady who took howling DD, and cuddled me, saying 'you are doing it just fine my love'. DD didn't have any 'issues', she's just a screamer, but that support meant so much to me.
See your GP and talk about how you're feeling. Be honest. If it is PND, there are loads of things you can access to help.
Sleep wise, it changes so fast when they're little - it might resolve quickly, it might not. Do you have a bouncy chair? Sleepyhead? If you can throw money at it, you could try swaddling type aids, chairs to hold him more upright, different slings. For DD, tucking a v-pillow around her (budget sleepyhead!) worked, but it was trial and error. Lots of error.

Non-practical things: have a hug. You're doing fine. You will get through this, and your DH can carry more of the burden for now. He's proving that by doing it - let him show his love like this. Ask for help. If you do go out, and get overwhelmed, pick another mum, preferably a smiley approachable looking one and say 'I'm about to burst into tears, could you possibly hold him for a sec, let me regain my composure.' I guarantee 95% of mothers will get it instantly, and lunge for DS to give you five mins peace - I know I do. Don't feel ashamed and hide it, don't feel like they all 'know' what they're doing - they don't. Talk about it. Practice saying 'I need a break for a bit', everyone does. I was at a soft play the other day, mum next to me had a three year old who palled up with my DD. She also had a newborn, and was trying to feed him, getting all hot and red and weepy. I said 'god, I remember those days - and not fondly. Can I do anything?' I held her DS while she went for a wee, grabbed a cup of tea, then came back to play with her DD for ten minutes, and yes, he screamed for me too, but it was fine, and he was fine, and she was so much calmer and ready to wade back in. People have done the same for me, they want to help. Don't PLEASE don't struggle on when you can let it out - just remember, most parents have had at least one moment (for us, six months) where they're at a loss to know what the fuck to do, where they feel inadequate and lost.

And, to cheer you up, once DD could move - sit, roll, crawl, she was honestly like a different child. She slept, she smiled, she laughed. At nine weeks, I thought that would never ever happen. It did. It will for you too.

Sorry, massive essay, you just struck a chord for me. So much love and luck to you.

Bless you are not rubbish far from it, at least your DH is helping you too as much as he can.
As other people have suggested maybe perhaps topping up with formula feed before bed may help him sleep that little longer for you. Maybe also try speaking to health visitor is this new with him waking so often could it just be a growth spurt he's going through hence why he's awake more than he's asleep for food?
Is there a family member or close friend living close by that you could ask to help out in the day time perhaps to allow you to go back to sleep? That may help greatly just being able to have a soak in the bath and then a few hours rest before DH is home that way your able to catch up on missed sleep

I'm having a little cry at all these lovely responses. Just to have someone say it's okay not to be okay is a really big thing for me.

Plan for today - there is a bf support group near me this AM. I wasn't going to go as I'm so tired but I will now. Then DH has a light afternoon and flexible hours so he's going to come home early and take DS, so I can get a bit of sleep before dinner. Co-sleeping to get him to nap might also be worth a try.

Not sure what we're going to do about tonight but we'll talk later about that. Shifts might work but the only problem is that 9-12ish tends be the only significant chunk of sleep DS does so DH would be looking after him during a time when he might well be sleeping anyway.

I do get that it's normal - and actually quite good - for little ones to wake every 2-3 hours, it's just the length of time to get him back to sleep, if he goes back to sleep at all, that's getting to me. If he woke every 2 hours, fed for 20 mins and dropped off quickly that would be amazing. I'm not expecting him to sleep through or anything.

DH has annual leave next week, so we can really work together then to try things out without me having to worry about him being too tired. MIL is also coming to visit (not staying with us) which won't be the most relaxing thing. She's lovely but has a very rosy recollection of the baby phase with her kids and sometimes it's hard to cope with all the 'isn't this the most wonderful time of your whole life?' comments.

I think you just have to try and get through this part. What I would say is that if your husband is trying to help you, then don't turn him away because by doing so you're making things worse for yourself. If he's tired at work he will deal with it, (unless he's a brain surgeon or something) your husband is trying to help but you're not letting him in. If you're at the point where you're crying with exhaustion then you need to accept his help because the baby isn't just your responsibility, he can do the nappies and settling while you do the feeding. Let go of the pressure you're putting on yourself. Seek help for the breastfeeding but if its really not working for you, its ok to put baby on formula even if its to mix feed if that's what you want to do. It's not a failure and formula isn't poison. You don't need any ones permission.

Oh lovely, no sleep advice exactly because lots of sensible suggestions have already come your way, but I would echo the above 'don't try to fix things', your little one isn't broken and neither are you. But it's hard. Really really hard and I appreciate that that's really irritating advice when you are just desperate for someone to fix it so you can rest. I was you a few months ago... once I got my head around the idea that surviving at this stage was winning, I relaxed all my 'trying'and one day realised we'd made it out the other side and life was feeling more normal again. I found Gentle Sleep by Sarah Oxley-Smith very helpful too. Doesn't offer solutions per se but is very reassuring about what is normal and why babies sleep (or don't) the way they do and why it's ok to do nothing in the first months but feed and doze.

It does get better, but for now it's awful for you and it's important to acknowledge that. This magic 6 week mark gets spouted a lot while you are pregnant and I remember being so confused when I was still a basket case at 10 weeks - 9 weeks was actually my worst week and I genuinely thought I was going mad. It's the sleep deprivation and the hormones. The turning point for me was my wonderful MIL putting her arms around me and explaining that everyone feels like this at first while I sobbed and sobbed over my tiny, sleepless, relentless son. I felt like I just couldn't do it and that everyone was cross with me for not being able to manage. They weren't - my husband was like yours and a bit grumpy at times but it was because he was tired too and having to adjust to his usually capable and cheerful wife morphing in to a weeping wreck. He stepped up, just like your OH sounds like he's doing. It's hard, relentlessly, hideously hard at first, you with the baby and him with work and doing as much at home as possible. However madness lies in you trying to do what you did before and look after a new born. Be kind to yourself. Hand over where you can. This is a marathon not a sprint and you'll get there x

The best thing I ever bought was a Fisher Price Linkadoos swing.

My son used to drop off to sleep in it during the day, it rocked itself and he just used to instantly relax.

I know it doesn't help you for the night wakings but if you can manage to get some sleep during the day, you might not feel so exhausted through the night.

Hang in there, you are doing brilliantly.

I remember my friend said to me when I was pregnant with my first - you've just got to get through the first 3 months, it's hell, but it will get better.

Definitely set up the bed in the daytime so you can just lie together, feed to sleep then drop off yourself. Screw the housework and all that - it can wait.

Has he been checked by a professional for tongue tie? If he has been dropping centiles and is doing nothing but feeding it could be a possibility? If he has been tracking the 2nd centile all along, I doubt there is much to worry about with his weight.

Health visitors and midwives aren't trained to spot tongue tie btw

You are sleep deprived, not a rubbish parent. My way through it this time was to have my own room, away from DP. I made a bank of pillows behind me and to the side. I had my breast feeding pillow and the co sleeping cot attached to the bed on one side. I then fed, allowed him to fall asleep on me with me propped up and then I dozed. I would try and put him into the cot swaddled. Sometimes this bought me an hours sleep. Most of the time it didn't work. So we mainly conslept with me propped up and then once it got to about 4.30am and I knew DP had had a good amount of sleep. I would give him DS for the last 2 hours and just pass out.

It was hell. There were a lot of tears (from me). I cried over friends, health visitors, GPS and then slowly it got better. Moving him into his own room at 6 months was a godsend. At around a year he started sleeping through. Now at 18 months he is no problem at all.

I wish there was a solution but these early days and weeks are just a case of gritting your teeth and getting through it.

Thanks so much. Really, really makes a difference to read all this. Sorry I can't reply at greater length now but I'm really starting to flag and I've got to make it till DH is back at 4 or 5 ish.

Went to bf group and it seems that we do have a bit of a latch issue - nothing major but it could be better. Working on that might help. Had a little cry on the bf counsellor's shoulder too.

Apart from the latch issue could it be that for some reason he is not able to suckle effectively? That was the case with dd: she was hypotonic so just wasn't able to get enough milk. I had oodles of the stuff and the latch was fine, but she wasn't strong enough. She'd fall asleep (probably exhausted) at the breast, and then wake up and cry from hunger the moment I put her down.

Good! Cry all over people, that's the way!

I'm a massive breastfeeding fan but if it isn't working for you don't hurt yourself over it! Also my DD was like this. Would scream AND not sleep, turned out she has CMPI and I cut all dairy out and within days I had a calmer baby. Not a good sleeper by any means but it was better. X

I'm in the same boat!! My DD2 is 9 weeks old and I'm up most of the night and in the day she just wants to be held! I also have a very full on 22month old DD1. I have days when I feel in utter despair, and like a failure as my first daughter will only nap in the car or buggy, so we have a bloody chirade of getting two screaming girls into the car every day for a stupid nap that she resists anyway!! Then we drive off with me in tears most days feeling like a failure that she's not in a cot/bed (that's another long story!)

Anyway, my point is that you are NOT failing!!! And that ALL parents feel like that at some stage! I remember the arguments with hubby with DD1 as a newborn and we were both severley sleep deprived! It was horrific as we were both over sensitive and paranoid as a result. It's normal!

This time he deals with DD1 at night - also a terrible sleeper - and I'm up all night with baby. I think i cry most days with exhaustion and frustration but I'm also much calmer in the knowledge that it does pass surprisingly quickly! And yes, a lot of people will tell you that you shouldn't be holding your baby when he sleeps but there are a lot of authors and doctors who say that yes you should, especially when he's so little. Your loving arms are helping to bond you both and make him feel secure, which in turn creates an abundance of neural pathways in his brain. Babies, especially newborns NEED touch. So you're doing that right!! It's just incredibly hard on you!! Go easy on yourself and just enjoy it if you can!

Have a look at Sarah Ockwell-Smith's book called Gentle Sleep. Ive been holding DD2 lots when she sleeps but am now putting her down in a cot with a nightlight on that does a cycle of rainbow colours, and a CD of baby white noise. At the moment she still cries to be picked up but I'm slowly getting her used to it and hope it'll bbecome a safe sleep space for her.

Good luck xx

Sounds so similar to what my ds was like! What helped for us was trying to get him down for a nap as soon as he started showing signs of getting tired, for us that was bouncing on an excercise ball and giving a dummy... drives in the car or walks in the pram didn't work for him. Some days he is still impossible to get down for naps and these are the nights he tends not to sleep so well, but on days where he does nap well he tends to have a good 5-6 hour block of sleep at night. I don't get much done in the house or get out much still at this point (ds 12 weeks) but those blocks of sleep mean I can cope a bit better with this. Also DH gives him one bottle of formula when he comes in from work and I use this time to have a shower if I haven't managed to or lock myself away for a quiet cup of tea! Good luck with whatever you try, it may not feel like it at the moment but you are doing great!

It sounds like your baby is perfectly normal and you are doing brilliantly in the circumstances. The first few months are so so hard but it definitely does get easier. My DS is difficult to get to sleep - we tried everything! Things that worked: putting pram next to cooker hood with it on the loudest setting, walking fast in the pram, going on the motorway in the car, holding him and doing a box step dance until he fell asleep, putting him in the close caboo sling and doing squats or walking up and down the stairs repeatedly, and feeding to sleep (cosleeping). Even now he's 13 months I still struggle to get him to sleep without breastfeeding him, but he's been sleeping through the night from around 9 months. But I remember him being about 10 weeks old and me wondering how on earth I was going to survive the sleep deprivation! Be kind to yourself, take breaks whenever you can, and do not worry about the state of the house or anything else. You will get through this.

You are NOT RUBBISH.
This bit of parenting is so hard. It nearly sent me crackers last time (ds is 6) and I'm struggling to keep everything on an even keel this time round too. Dd is 18 weeks, and sleeps well at night, so how the hell you manage with very little sleep is incredible.
Try and keep in mind that It won't always be like this. Really really soon it will be over and you'll look back and want to high five yourself for getting through it. The shock of a newborn on your relationship with DH can't be underestimated either. I honestly thought I'd ruined our lovely lives when ds was this age. And then you're supposed to be so happy, and enjoying it, and looking like the mum in the aptamil advert. Scuse my bluntness, but fuck. that. You're doing fine, you're getting help, you're getting though it. Don't expect anything more of yourself, your relationships or your little baby. I really feel for you. Raising a glass from the trenches.

Second getting checked and referred for a tongue tie. My baby had a tongue tie and it wasn't obvs but she was ticking all the boxes which indicated it. We really struggled til it was cut and things are a lot better now.

My baby's latch was fine and it was only diagnosed because of other signs like discomfort for me, her not sleeping/taking a long time to settle, constant hunger, shape of tongue etc.

Advice I got to help before her tie could get cut was to pump some fore milk out first so baby gets to the fatty hind milk quicker and they'll sleep better cause they're getting satisfied. Tongue tied babies get tired quicker so fall asleep but don't sleep long cause they don't get to the fatty stuff.

Also just be naked together cause it'll stimulate your milk and oxytocin so you both chill out from love hormones.

Thanks for the brilliant advice and support. Last night was a bit better - we coslept part of it and that plus white noise worked better than it has done before.
I'm looking for a sling meet up. Someone else also recommended bouncing on a ball so I'll get the birthing ball out again. Will look into tongue tie too.

So much great advice, just wanted to add that yes your LO is normal, as in a clingy non-sleeper is normal, but some parents do get lucky and get babies who feed and go back to sleep.

So if you feel you're 'failing' compared to others, it's probably because they're getting more sleep, and you're doing great! You're basically working a night shift, don't expect to achieve much in the day.