Is this level of squabbling normal?

[MeanAger]

I feel like tearing my hair out. DC have been off school for just 1 week and I am sick of the sound of all our voices! Them squabbling, screeching, squealing, goading, fighting and me shouting at them and issuing threats and consequences.

I have implemented a screen ban before 5pm every day as otherwise they would sit in front of the TV and PlayStation all day. So they go outside and they fight and whinge and strop and tell tales. They are 8 and 12(next week). Younger DS is being assessed for ASD and is extremely easy to wind up. Older DS knows this and is on his back constantly. He knows he will get a reaction both from DS8 and from me. He enjoys it. DS8 is incredibly sensitive to things. He reacts to everything and because he has speech issues and trouble understanding jokes or sarcasm he gets frustrated and yells out and storms off. If they are playing with need guns (all his guns) and older DS takes a bullet that he hasn't asked for then DS8 will flip out and yell "heeeyy!! That's mine, you're not allowed mine" and older DS will start with the eye rolling and smirking and sarcastic "sorreeee" then they start squabbling and younger DS will cry and come running to me.

This can't be normal. Can it? I don't remember fighting so much with my sister. I have threatened sending them to bed, total screen bans, grounding them. They look remorseful for a split second then back to same antics. What do I do other than sell them on eBay?

Split them up.

They obviously don't enjoy each other's company at this time. They might have done when they were younger, they might do when they're older, but right not they don't get on. It is quite a big age gap.

Look for local activities/clubs that you can send them to (different ones obviously). Invite friends over so they can play with someone they get on with. Send the older one out to play with his friends. Reinstate a bit of screen time, but at different times of the day e.g. 2 hours each one gets 10am-12pm and the other gets 2pm-4pm or something. Set them chores to do in different parts of the house (one can clean the bathroom while the other sweeps the garden) etc. etc.

Do they have their own rooms? If so, banish one or both to their rooms.

I would come down much harder on the 12 year old here. He is older and I assume NT, whilst his brother is a lot younger and has possible SN. He needs to stop being nasty. I would fine him 50p each time you see him winding his brother up. Or he loses 15mins of his screen time. Or something else that will hit hard.

I have a 9 year old who bickers constantly with both the 12 year old and the 5 year old so I do feel your pain! Divide and conquer is the key.

Very normal. They'll grow out of it in about ten years!! Good luck.

Yes older DS is NT and I have told him it is completely disgusting to goad younger DS the way he does because he knows DS can't deal with it the way other children can. I have take. His phone off him, I have taken his screen time off him and I have grounded him. He just doesn't seem to get it.

They have separate rooms and go to a summer club every day but it is just for a couple of hours and is together. They both want to go to it. Maybe I could use withdrawal of that as a consequence.

It's hard to keep them separate when they go outside. I guess if I hear fighting I can just keep bringing them in and sending to rooms until they agree to leave each other alone.

Older DS has the freedom to go and see his friends, there are 3 that live nearby that he can walk to so I will try and encourage that more. Younger DS gets very upset about this because he can't go and see his friends. He has one friend who calls down and plays here with him but he isn't always available when DS wants him (all the time) and this creates daily meltdowns. I take him to the park to try and distract. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

It's going to be a looong summer.

They'll grow out of it in about ten years!! Good luck.

cheers!

They need to be out with their own mates, not each other.

I'd also be incline to alter that screen restriction. One child gets 3h in the morning (or whatever time you see fit), one gets 3h in the afternoon. No one after 5pm. The other child needs to find someone else to play with while the other is on the PlayStation.

The main problem you have is forcing your children to always be bored in each other's company.

Your 12 year old especially could go and call for friends from school, go to the park, bike ride, skate park etc. At 8 years old my children were calling for friends locally only (ie same street or very close) and playing at each other's houses or gardens.

Yes the 12yo does go to friends'. The 8yo can't be unsupervised. He has the awareness of a much younger child. He also wears pull ups as he is fecally incontinent so has to be with me so we can change him when he needs changed.

Divide and conquer will be your answer.

So if the 8 year old doesn't have friends to play with it means having a big stick of different activities he can do on his own.

In your average day, I'd my children would be happy playing together for about a third of their unstructured, spare time. The other two thirds, at least, I'd want them to be entertained separately - either with their own friends or doing something at home without the sibling.

Stack. Big stack, not big stick

I find each time they have a school hol my children squabble for the first week or week and a half then get on reasonably ok once they get used to each others company and then the last week ish is squabbling again. Hopefully yours will settle down too!!

Thanks all. I will wrack my brain for actvivities for DS8. He's hard to please so this will be fun

For the 8yr old:
Long walks? Go find something engineering-ish to look at, like a demolition site or a steam railway.
Mine still likes Pokemon Go, that keeps him busy & moving.

I don't think you need to entertain them all the time. A little bit of boredom will do their creative faculties the world of good. They just need to be bored separately so that they don't fill the boredom gap with squabbling and arguing.

If he likes nerf guns could you help him make some targets or save some bottles/cans that he can shoot off a wall? Geocaching is good fun. Make a den/house/tunnel out of cardboard boxes (can get really bogs ones from Homebase/B&Q or probably Comet...places that have big stuff!). Basic science experiments (mentos in cola is a good one). Bake. Get him to do dinner (choose a recipe, make a list, go to the shops, do the prep and cook).

Oh that's a good idea about nerf gun targets. I was actually trying to find some peg board so we could make a gun display for his room. All good ideas, thank you!

When I was a child we were put outside and the door was locked! Different times!