Deciding whether or not to have kids (long!)

[ladybee28]

Thanks in advance for reading this (whether you make it to the end or not) - I think this is as much a much-needed mental download as a question!

First, the background: I’m 30, and I’ve been with DP(38) for about a year.

For the last 6 years, I’ve been travelling (I can do my work from anywhere), and have loved the freedom I’ve had. But last year, I decided to take a break, and came here to Spain, where I met DP. He has a DS (11) from a past relationship, who’s with him 2 weekends and 4 afternoons per month. Although we both have our own apartments, I’m at his place 3/4 of the time, and that’ll be 100% of the time in a few months time when my rental contract ends.

He’s wonderful: solid and loving and reliable and thoughtful, totally in love with his boy, and our relationship is feeling like something special.

I went through the whole gamut of emotions in terms of his DS to begin with, feeling everything from jealousy to panic to total adoration, and DP was completely calm and understanding and supportive as I offloaded at him regularly, and we're dealing with it together.

About the time we started talking about moving in together, he found out his ex (DS’s mother) is pregnant again. A month after that, the very young daughter of a friend of his passed away. And a couple of months after that, he brought up the subject of kids with me.

Essentially, paraphrased, he said this:

“After DS’s mum and I split up, I had a couple of attempts at relationships, but eventually decided that I was done with that. I have a beautiful son that I adore, and if it’s just him and me from now on, that’s fine by me. But now things feel different, and I’ve started thinking about fatherhood again, and I wanted to check in with you about it. Because the last thing we want is 3 years to pass, and one of us is expecting to have kids and we haven’t discussed it.”

Now, for me, I’ve been swinging like a pendulum about this subject for a few years: going from absolutely definitely not wanting kids to being completely undecided, but knowing it wasn’t appropriate for my then lifestyle, so that being ok, and then to definitely being sure I wanted kids… and back again.

Since meeting DP, I’m feeling more and more like this is an adventure I want to go on with him – and that for the first time ever I’m in a relationship where that feels both safe and exciting.

But at the same time, I’m really not sure of myself in this decision.

My freedom has always been important to me, and I'm not sure I want to give up the ability to bounce over to another country for a weekend or a month whenever I fancy it. Now that his DS is a bit older, DP has more flexibility, and he and I are starting to have the option to travel together, which is something he’s wanted to do for a long time.

Sometimes I think I definitely want kids, other times I think I definitely don’t.

I’m 30, and I’m supporting my best friend as she goes through infertility, watching her pain and regret at not having started sooner, and at the same time wondering if my own pangs of wanting kids are just biological / hormonal trickery.

I’m wondering if maybe he’s just feeling this way because his ex is pregnant again, and those feelings he’s having will subside as that becomes less of a recent surprise.

There’s no rush – there’s been enough changes this year for the both of us without adding this into the mix – but it is something I want to think seriously about, and ask for advice and thoughts from other women about.

Which is, I think, why I’m here.

Is it possible to make a rational decision about something as don’t-know-until-you-do-it as parenthood? How do you ‘know’ if it’s right for you? If you weren’t lucky enough to be one of those “I always knew” women, what swung the decision for you? What can you see in my situation that maybe I haven’t thought of / noticed?

Any thoughts, ideas, shared experiences welcome – I feel a bit lonely in trying to think my way through this, so a community of women who can help me out if much appreciated!

My Aunt - who found she and her dh could not have kids without fertility treatment, and did not go forward with that - tells me that life without having kids is less full and less satisfying in her opinion. Myself, I always thought that I would be OK if I did, and OK if I didn't. However, I do feel that parenthood has brought an extra dimension - it might be age not parenthood, but I now understand that there are moments of pure bliss in life, few and far between, I think I have had three, but they were all ordinary moments with my dh and kids. I guess we might have had these anyway, as we lived our life.The decision brings uncertainty - no one knows what parenthood will be like for them. But best decision we ever made.

I can understand your thoughts about enjoying your freedom and being able to take trips whenever you want. But when you get older, do you think those trips will be enough? I know 5 women who were like you and on the fence about having children. Two realized they wanted children and had them. The other three realized they wanted children but it was too late, and they were never able to conceive. All three of them regret waiting enormously. I know two women who never had children but they also never, ever wanted any, and they are happy with their decision. As a mother, and as a person who's been to lots of places and done lots of things, nothing compares to the joy my kids have brought to my life. They are 17 and 20 now, smart, independent, amazing people. It seems like they were babies 5 seconds ago. It goes by so fast. In my opinion, unless you have a child and have experienced motherhood, you are never able to develop a whole dimension of yourself that you never even knew existed. As soon as that baby is in your arms, you figure out very quickly what matters and what doesn't. The greatest achievement and honor of my life has been the privilege of being a mother. But that's just my two cents.

There's no easy answer to your question, but I would tread carefully. You've only been with this guy for a year, you're not married and he has a son from a previous relationship whose mother does the vast majority of day to day childcare. And he wants to go travelling?
I would hang fire.

SafeToCross and Aquamarine1029 – thank you!

And CPtart - I'm interested in what you mean by that – not sure I follow your drift. Can you explain a bit more?

It's a really difficult decision! I was one of those who bounced between never wanting them and then thinking that I would likely end up regretting it if I didn't.

I was married for seven years before having my son and in the end we just decided to go for it, fearing that we would ultimately regret not having any.

I won't lie, the first 18 months were SO hard, there were many times I regretted it, I was bereft at the loss of my 'old' life. It took me a long time to bond with him, I had awful PND, undiagnosed I might add, because I was so stubborn that I refused to seek help even though I had lost every sense of who I was.

He is now 2 1/2 and, he is the most amazing thing in my life, I cannot imagine life without him, I wouldn't change a thing and I am SO glad that I have him. He makes my life worth living. It's unbelievable to think that only a year ago, I still regretted having him, the change has been remarkable and it has been totally worth it, no regrets.

You're still young at 30 and have plenty of time to see how your relationship develops. Kids may be in your future and maybe they won't, whatever you decide is absolutely fine and both paths comes with plenty of pros and cons.

The one thing I would say, is that as your partner is several years older, don't let his 'desire' for another child rush you into something before you feel comfortable. A lot can change in the space of a few years and if you think you would like children at some point then that's all you need to say right now, if you're not sure then again just be honest with him. It's a huge decision and you should certainly take your time with making it. If you feel that you would like to have another few years enjoying your current lifestyle then go for it! Also try not worry too much about infertility, based on your friends experiences, feeling that you should be trying now. As I said, you're only 30 and whilst it is very unfortunate for your friend, there is nothing to suggest that you would have the same issues.

In a nutshell, don't rush into having a child with someone you've been with only a year or so (no time at all in the scheme of things). He's wonderful, solid and reliable? Well he should be, a year is nothing. This is the best part. Your freedom seems to be as important to you as your partners does to him, yet he had a child and his ex does 80% childcare. So worse case scenario, (always think this a women, especially ummarried), is who would be left doing the donkey work if your relationship failed and you had a child together? I personally wouldn't consider having a child with a man at this very early stage in the relationship. And I'm not a dumps single pant with any axe to grind, just a very realistic happily married woman.
Having DC is the best and the harts thing I've ever done, Imwould want to make as sure as possible the relationship wasn't going to fail and I'd be left doing most of it alone.

A dumps single pants- a bitter single parent that should say. Don't know where that came from!!!

RiseToday –I really appreciate your frankness and honesty! I think perhaps I'm particularly uncertain of how I feel parenting will be for me because I was an only child without cousins etc. in the same country, and I've never really been around kids. 'Parenting' for me seems like such an unknown quantity, but it's good to know that even if it's a real shock at first, that's something that can turn around.

And CPtart – thanks for clarifying (on both your original post and the dumps single pants – that did make me laugh!). Definitely not thinking about rushing into anything – this is a conversation my partner and I are looking to explore and figure out together over the next few years, certainly no pressure to make any decisions now.

The same goes for us traveling together – not talking about now, or even the next year, but as DS reaches his teens, us taking a month to go somewhere a bit further-flung if it fits around custody and school holidays etc. is more of an option than now when he's 11.

He wanted to start the 'are kids something we might want?' conversation now, early on, which I appreciate, because it gets it out in the open and becomes something we can look at as a team as well as individuals.

And regarding the childcare distribution, from what I've heard from him and other family members, that was a difficult negotiation and certainly not how he'd have things in an ideal world. This isn't a guy who's looking to skive off childcare and his son – if anything I think I'm more likely to have the opposite issue in the future, when he finds a way to have DS more of the time and I have to adjust to living with two boys full-time instead of one!

I definitely get what you're saying about wanting to be secure in the relationship first. And this is an interesting thing for me, too – I have a hunch that if I were still single and travelling, I wouldn't be thinking about having kids at all. Just wouldn't be on my radar. But being in a relationship where it's potentially an option sometime, I feel differently.

So how do I know how much of what I'm feeling is me, and how much is situational? Do I want kids, end of story? Or do I only want kids if I'm with this man? And does that even really matter?!

If nothing else, the mental gymnastics this is all inspiring is good exercise for my brain!

I was a 32 year old in a long term relationship. We had both said that we didn't ever want kids, and that was fine. Until all of a sudden I started having the thought that maybe I did. So after long discussions we split, to give me the option of finding someone else and trying to make a family, which I did. 5 years on I'm married to my lovely DH with an almost 1 year old DD. I'm fairly sure it was that biological clock ticking away, and I'm glad it did. I wouldn't have this wonderful little person driving me mad all day without it.

I don't think it matters if it's situational like you say - you are in whatever situation you are in, and that will affect all sorts of decisions. Little ones about what you're doing the next day, and big ones like whether to start a family or not. You can't second guess them all wondering if you would make the same decision if you were free and single, as you wouldn't. Our lives are shaped by the people we have in them, and how they make us feel IMO.

There's no harm in it being a possibility for both of you right now. If something changes for one or both of you in time, then it changes and you will deal with it as it comes along.