Baby will not settle

[sadmum2017]

Struggling with my 10 week old DS. He's never been a settled or 'easy' baby, but I'm regularly left feeling like I have no idea what he needs. He doesn't nap well during the day, maybe 20 minutes at a time, and that's in his bouncy chair. In between times I try to keep him entertained on his mat and keep him full of milk (he's EBF and on 91st centile).

The problem is, he cries A LOT. This in turn makes me feel like shit. I have PND and it doesn't take much to make me doubt what I'm doing. I have no confidence and feel like he's unhappy. When he's not feeding, he will not settle anywhere. Playtime on the mat will last a few minutes before he gets grumpy again. Even cuddling him seems to annoy him a lot of the time. I don't think he's hungry because he often just messes around on the breast and comes off before trying to latch back on. When he is hungry he does feed well, for 20 or 30 minutes. Walks in the pram are eventually successful, but obviously I can't be outside all day every day. I just don't know what I'm missing. Is this normal? I shouldn't be feeling like this nearly 3 months in.

No advice - but I'm in the same place. 4 wk DS refused to sleep during the day, and will 'graze' on the breast rather than feeding properly, alongside being generally cranky. Frustratingly, he seems to start behaving himself when DH comes home!

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful but there are others in the same boat as you xxx

Sounds fairly normal to me. My DD was a "difficult" baby. It gets better I promise

Have you tried a sling or a wrap? Or swaddle, put in pram, drape muslin over to remove distractions and jiggle or walk up and down your hall/garden? Sound like over-tiredness but it's a pain when you know they are tired but won't settle. It will get easier

DD was exactly the same. At around 6 weeks she started being upset and seeming all the time, and 'grazing' instead of feeding at longer intervals (no medical issues).
She's now 17 weeks and a lot happier. We have hardly any crying now (outside of nap times) . The 'trick' for us was to put her down for a nap after she's been awake 1.5 hours. She is a horrible napper, but a dark room, white noise, and persistent bouncing/rocking usually does the trick (although she still cries every time). When we let her ger overtired she's immediately back to her devil-baby days.
I promise it will get better, even if it seems now like you're forever being screamed at. I certainly had some black days. Do get help from whoever is available to get you through this tough time!

I'm having problems with my lower back and pelvis since he was born so I'm not sure a sling would be a great idea.

I'll jiggle and sway with him in a darkened room and finally get him down thinking I've cracked it, but he just wakes up again. I've spent 3 hours this morning trying to get him to sleep and so far he's managed two 20 minute catnaps. I'm not stimulating or playing with him while I'm trying to do that so I'm worried he's missing out.

Do you leave her to grumble after you've put her down Double? DS will cry when put down and just seems to wind himself up again.

My DS2 was a 20 minute napper, it is rubbish. He used to cry for exactly 7 minutes while I jiggled the pram, then slept for exactly 20 minutes. He later extended to 40 minutes then eventually a 2 hour nap.

What we do is rock/bounce/walk until she gets very drowsy (almost asleep), then put her down. She will usually cry at this point, but a well-timed dummy and hand on her chest might help her fall asleep fully. Often she continues crying though, so we just pick her up and walk/bounce a bit more, then repeat. After 2-3 cycles she generally falls asleep. She only catnaps as wee, so after 30-35 minutes max (sometimes less) she's up again. It's tiring, but keeps her rested just enough to make it through the day. We've read everything ever written about getting her to nap longer, with no observable effect so far. We're hoping they get longer eventually

Oh, and sometimes when I'm particularly tired I'll resort to 'cheating' by feeding her to sleep, or heading out in the buggy. The later doesn't seem to result in very restful sleep though, she's always more grumpy afterwards than normal.

Op my DD was similar, she wouldn't settle unless she was feeding. Try putting him on the boob everytime he cries! It'll feel like all you do is feed your baby but I'm certain DD is better off for me doing this. She's so calm now and barely cries ever, I really believe it made her more calm and know I'm there!

Double It's not cheating to feed to sleep so please don't feel bad if that works for your baby and for you! It's an amazing way of getting them to sleep!

I agree with Never, boob every time and my DS is a much calmer baby than my DD who I tried not to 'make a rod for my own back' with.

I considered the 'rod for my own back' theory very carefully before he was born. I actually have a little chuckle when I look back. Now I will do anything to have a calm happy baby.

You do whatever you can to survive! I would suggest:

Lying down to feed on your bed and letting baby (and you!) nap there. My 6mo is currently curling into me doing just this

Go out as much as you can. You both need fresh air and crying is much quieter outside

Use a sling, both in the house and out for a walk.

Turn things around so do any jobs (shower, make a cup of tea) when he's awake and then about an hour after he last woke up, get settling for his next nap (feed to sleep or feed and put in pram/sling/car/bouncy chair)

It will get better! (And some )

Thanks teaandbiscuits, I don't feel too bad for doing it occasionally I'm just conscious that she'll have to go to a childminder in two months and it will be easier if she doesn't rely on the boob too much

I take him to our bed if he's up super early, but I'm so scared I squash him that I don't actually sleep much. I know it can be perfectly safe, but I'm so tired lately I've been quite a deep sleeper.

By the way that was supposed to be a smiley, not a biscuit. Something is wrong with the app...

There is no amount of money you could pay me to do the newborn stage again, ESPECIALLY for the first time. I mean, I know that's logically impossible anyway, but the exhaustion, the hormones, the self-doubt... the awful awful feeling that everyone else is handling it, and you're not. I didn't feel like that all the time, but often enough. Oh! And the feeling that this is it, this is your life forever, and it will never improve.
But it does improve. Naps get longer (eventually - DS got himself into a good routine around 18 weeks. DD was quite a bit later. Like 10 months. But most babies are 4 to 6 months when the sleep settles into a bit more predictability) and unless you're leaving your baby to scream for hours on end, or blatantly ignoring safety guidelines, you're doing nothing wrong. I absolutely promise you that this will get better. And really quite soon. 12 weeks is often a turning point. And if it's not then, it'll be soon after that.
Also, Google purple crying. It might help to know that loads of crying can be totally normal.

Are you sure you don't have a figure in mind Hump?? I was actually fantasising last night about how much I would have to pay someone to look after him for just 8 or so hours! The irony is that if someone does take him for an hour or so, I spend my time hovering to make sure he doesn't spontaneously combust while out of my sight

Both my babies were like this and I wholeheartedly feel the same way as whale in that I hated the newborn stage and now breathe a sigh of relief that it's all over! Try to do things during the day that will give you a sense of achievement I.e. Get out of the house for a walk, see a friend, go to the supermarket, hang the washing out etc. But at the same time don't beat yourself up if you don't achieve those things. I found When I had pnd with my first that giving my days purpose helped a lot - even if I didn't follow through with that purpose!

Also try not to spend so much energy on getting your baby to sleep. I know it sounds daft but it can feel so futile if they don't want to. Give them chances (put him in the bouncy chair for 15 mins if you think he's tired ) but if he won't sleep, he'll just have to go along with what you want to do, and if he has a wail then so be it. You're still striving to do the best for him, just not being a slave to it and sacrificing your mental health as a result.

Also yy to feeding lying down. There is a way you can do it which ensures you won't roll on your baby (lie on your side, hand under your head and elbow out in front of your face if that makes sense).

Lastly from 6 months if they're still terrible at sleeping and you can bear some crying you can sleep train. Not everyone agrees with it but in my experience it can turn a constantly grizzly and overtired baby into a happier, better rested and much more settled one.

If you haven't been recently go back to your doctor and tell them you're struggling with sleep. They would hopefully be able to give you something (medication or coping mechanisms) for the anxiety which is currently keeping you awake when your baby sleeps.