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Parenting

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Original poster

Competitive mothers

21 replies

shaps · 23/03/2007 10:09

I am a highly competitive person struggling not to be (I promised I wouldn't be when I had my son). But I can't help worrying that he is a bit behind where he should be in terms of the milestones which all the books talk about. I have tried to brush it all off (each child develops at their own pace and all that...) but yesterday made me stress out. I had two friends over with their 16 month and 14 month old children (mine is 15 months) and they seem to be doing so much that I think mine should be doing. The 14 month talks, naming things in both English and Russian (yes, Russian...) whilst the 16 month old also says the odd word and runs around. My son neither walks nor talks. I can't help feeling a little bit depressed about this. I also start questioning whether I have not stimulated him enough. What do other people do to stop comparing their child to others? I just can't help it.

OP posts:

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Saturn74 · 23/03/2007 10:13

It's only natural to compare your child to those who are of a similar age, especially when they are tiny.
Your DS is very young.
If you love him, care for him, play with him and talk to him then he'll be stimulated enough.
Speak to your HV if you have any concerns, but just enjoy him.
It would be very boring if each person were exactly the same!

piglit · 23/03/2007 10:15

Life is too short to waste time comparing your children. It doesn't sound like you are competitive; it sounds more like you are being made to feel insecure by other mothers. Personally, I have no time for competitive mummies and have dropped a couple of competitive mummy friends, one of whom told me her ds was G&T at 12 weeks.

FioFio · 23/03/2007 10:18

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beansprout · 23/03/2007 10:19

And Russian is how useful to a toddler?!!

I watched ds lag behind his 2 closest peers in every aspect of everything and sometimes I felt a protective twinge, but it really doesn't matter. Feeling your child is a failure at this age does not come under the heading of loving them in my book. Love is unconditional. It all comes out in the wash anyway. All this competitive stuff says more about the mums than it does the kids anyway.

LadyMacbeth · 23/03/2007 10:20

Fookin' hell...

LadyMacbeth · 23/03/2007 10:22

Sorry, got as far as the Russian bit.

Please don't feel rubbish about yourself or your ds. 15 mths is not particularly late for walking and especially not for talking. I promise you it all evens out eventually!

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 10:26

huge bvariation is natural and it isn't a predictor for the future

Twiglett · 23/03/2007 10:31

there's a really strange space / time conundrum that comes along once one is a parent

when your child is very young (under 5 or 6) say and the only / eldest one time goes extremely slowly and one cannot seem to appreciate that a month is actually a very short time period .. it seems incredibly important

with the benefit of hindsight however .. ie once your child is 5 or is an older sibling you will look back on yourself at this and be astonished that 1) it actually worried you and 2) it felt like such a long time

if it helps

DD (2nd child) didn't walk till 16 months and didn't speak (at all .. nothing nada) till she was over 2

DS however was walking at 10 months and speaking in 4 word sentences by 18 months

you'll hust have to take a deep breath and realise that you are actually just a little bit deranged .. and forget about it

wanderingstar · 23/03/2007 10:35

You know inside that when he's 3 or 4, it won't matter that he walked/talked later than his friends. You may not even remember when he said his first word. In fact have a bit of light relief by looking at the "behaviour" heading and the "annoying 3 year old" thread.

By the way my annoying 3 year old didn't walk until 17.5 months, but is now a really skilled climber, a fast scooter and can walk a good mile when in the mood. I don't think he was saying much at 15m, (can't remember) but now won't shut up. He talks very clearly, admittedly only in English, knows a few letters and all his numbers, left and right, and is beginning to understand how to tell the time.

I was and remain a slacker with him in terms of "stimulating" activities, first because I don't like all the uber-mummying that goes on in such places, and second he is the 4th child so I am very busy anyway. A toddler just needs someone to spend time with him, and to talk to him, at home, the park, at groups if you like. It doesn't matter. It's all stimulating because it's all new to them.

Original poster

shaps · 23/03/2007 10:42

Thank you for some of the reassurance there. I agree that deep down I am being stupid and yes in Twiglett's words a bit "deranged".

I think it has also got something to do with the fact that all my friends with babies are school friends and we all used to compete with eachother in class. They are all high achievers (oxbridge etc - unlike me btw) and I feel that in some ways our children have become the next round of the race, 20 years later.

I am going to try my hardest to put my worries away and I am sure as you all say, the differences come out in the wash.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 23/03/2007 10:42

My ds is almost 14 months and says nothing other than "duh". He does say dadada and mamamama, but not with meaning, imo. I really wouldn't worry about it. It is hard not to compare your child with other children, but there will always be some who are more advanced and some who are slower...

Twinmummyx2 · 23/03/2007 10:45

I agree with everyone else....babies/toddlers will do everything so different...i have 8 children....they have a range from walking at 9mths to 16 mths...some were early at talking...others not.
As long as they are happy and healthy they will be fine..and will get there when they are ready....some people are in a rush for babies to grow up too quickly don't you find?
You know he will get there in the end so is dosen't matter what age he is/was....
Sit back and enjoy your little one..he'll be all grown up before you know it!

me.x

kiskidee · 23/03/2007 10:45

my dd is nearly 2 yrs and is just stringing 2 words together. her entire speaking vocab is i think less than 100 words.

my friend's dd had 40 words at 4 and didn't walk till she was 22 months old.

she is now 4 and perfectly able to walk and talk.

kiskidee · 23/03/2007 10:46

sorry my friends dd had 40 words at 2 yrs, not 4 yrs

TinyGang · 23/03/2007 10:48

Twiglett's post is spot on.

Until I read your op I had completely forgotten an occasion where I was worrying my dd wasn't sitting up on her own one time, when I met up with a few other mums.

It all seems ages ago now, but every little thing was such a big deal then. I think all the time you are still counting your childs age in months, not years, you are at a very intense time where everything is magnified.

MrsBond · 23/03/2007 10:53

Hi snaps - I agree with the other posts that in a few years you'll look back and be amazed you were even bothered.

My DD (now 3yrs) has a group of friends all similar in age - some walked at 12 months others 18 months, some talked earlier than others etc... Now they are a bit older they are all pretty much the same. In a few cases the ones that were slightly slower just seemed to progress faster once they got the hang of it (language wise especially).

Now I have baby no 2 (12 months) I'm quite happy for him to stay a baby for longer... babyhood passes so quickly

frances5 · 23/03/2007 11:41

shaps, my little boy had physio because he was late walking! He is now five years old and its impossible to tell the difference between him and his other classmates.

Things like walking are down to temperment of the child. When my son did walk he had virtually no falls. Younger children who walked constantly fall and hurt themselves. My son has always been a cautious little soul and felt safer crawling.

As far as speech goes I would not worry too much yet. It might be an idea to talk to your health visitor and ask for a hearing test if it doesn't develop.

mamijacacalys · 23/03/2007 12:20

Agree with all the other reassurances.

They all get to the same point by the time they're about 3. My DS didn't talk until he was well over 2, didn't walk until 12 months and didn't have any teeth until he was 12 months. DD on the other hand is 8 mo, has 6 teeth and is almost walking. They're all different!

Don't worry and enjoy your baby. This 'small' time is so precious - he'll be in school before you know it!

nogoes · 23/03/2007 12:24

Don't worry about it. He will pick things up at his own pace. Ds has not been the first to do anything but once he does he races past everyone else. Not that matters it shouldn't be a race, just enjoy the stage you are at the moment. If parents are too pushy the child switches off anyway.

Twiglett · 23/03/2007 12:25

you know I wasn't saying 'you are deranged' but rather all parents at that stage are equally deranged and it is only the benefit of hindsight that makes one realise how many really unimportant 'issues' one used to waste ones time worrying about

I used to know someone who kept a poo diary .. a poo diary fgs

Twinmummyx2 · 23/03/2007 12:45

PMSL@poo diary!

...including colour and temperature..PMSL....

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