My second baby is just so difficult and it's getting me down.

[Heatherbell1978]

DD is 4 months old and contrary to what most people say, is very much more hard work than DS was (he's nearly 3) and I'm just getting so exhausted by her.
At the age of the 2 weeks the colic started and we had evening upon evening of her screaming from 6pm until we went to bed. By 8 weeks old we'd had enough and decided she needed a bedtime routine so after her bath she was put to bed and one of us just stayed in the room settling her and we took it in turns. Now thankfully she'll go down at 7pm and we have our evenings back.

But during the day I'm just clueless about her. If she's awake she's usually crying or fussing unless we're out and about in the buggy so I rarely sit down. If I'm meeting friends she won't sit in the buggy so they're all sitting with quiet babies on their laps while I'm pacing and swaying trying to keep her quiet.

She's combination fed - was exclusively bf until about a month ago but I got tired of her screaming and fussing while feeding so now she's bottle fed if we're out and I'll bf her during the night when she feeds easier.

I've spoken to the HV and the doctor but got the same chat. Because she doesn't vomit, is putting on weight and I'm bf, all must be well and 'I'm doing great'.

I'm not depressed, I'm just tired and sick of spending day after day with an unhappy baby. We have no routine - she can wake for a nap but be tired again 20 mins later or she can feed then want more an hour later or go 5 hours without milk so I'm second guessing all the time and normally get it wrong so she ends up in full melt down.
With DS he was so much more straightforward. He wasn't an easy baby but I always knew what was wrong with him and he got himself into a routine by 8 weeks old.

DH is very supportive and gives me a break whenever he can so I don't have any issues there and thankfully DS is an easy toddler too.

I'm just waiting for her to grow out of it or something so any similar stories would be welcomed (hopefully with a happy ending...).

OP that is really tough. This sounds exactly like DD up until around three months when she was given medication for her reflux. I know that's not your issue but I can sympathise with how you feel surrounded by happy babies at group times while you're pacing around hoping things don't go nuclear. I posted on here while I was going through that as I found it soul destroying and as a first time mum I thought I must be doing something terribly wrong. And I didn't have a toddler to cope with on top of that! So  for you.

You say you have no routine for DC2 - does she self-settle?

Around this age DD was still catnapping quite a bit but I implemented a routine for that anyway and it helped no end with her (and my) mood. I stretched out feeds from 3 to 4 hours around this age and would give her roughly the same time awake each time, tired signs or none. If she woke at 7, I'd give her a first nap at 9 (hopefully 1h30), then 12.30 (hopefully 2h), then 4.30 (30-45 mins), so 2 hours awake each time. I'd sometimes only get 3 x 45 min naps so I'd move the feeds earlier by 30 mins each time and ditto the next nap, bringing bedtime forward a little, but it was by and large the same day most days.

I also started purées at lunch and dinner at this age but that was more to do with DDs reflux so I'm not sure how helpful that would be for your DD. But I swear by set naps, it honestly transformed my DD.

PS Also I sacked off the baby groups in the end. Because of DD not coping I found them more stressful than was worth it. I started back up fairly recently and actually enjoy them now. Leaving took all the pressure off. But if that's not an option for you then maybe just pick the ones which work best around a nap schedule.

It is really tough. I remember it well. DD2 is now 12 months and much better (teething is still horrendous) but on the whole, she's much happier and we all enjoy her company a lot more!
I do feel for you though, we had no routine, then at about 10 months she started to sleep through and got a bit more 'readable' during the day to know when she needed to go down. Like you DD1 was a routine baby from the start and rarely got too upset.
We still have no strict routine, its hard with a toddler too, but we just go with the flow and keep the days as relaxed as possible. I was so strict with DD1, but much harder with two!
I found I was embarrassed to take her anywhere because she was so moany, but you just have to, otherwise you'll go mad!
Hang in there, it will get better, I suspect when you start weaning. We did BLW this time, which suited us all much better and kept her quiet for a good hour in the high chair!

She does nap ok, not normally for more than 40 mins and we have a very rough routine of her napping then awake time of an hour and a half ish.

It's probably the feeding that bothers me more as she'll not normally take more than 3oz in a bottle so I'm constantly offering her milk incase she's hungry and if I'm able I'll bf her in the day too. I just wish she'd take a decent 6/7oz so I'd then know that she's set for the next few hours and her whining isn't hunger-related.

I'm sure a set routine would help but unless I can get her into a 3/4 hour feeding cycle I'm not sure I can do it.

We've been stuck in all day today with the lashing rain and it's been hellish😩

You poor thing it sounds like hard work. I gave a 2yo and 6mo and am struggling with the baby too at the moment!

It sounds like you have a good routine with putting her down for a nap every 90 minutes. If you're struggling with the feeding, how about you feed her as soon as she wakes. Assuming you need to start settling her for her next nap after 75 min awake time I would offer her another feed at the 60 min mark.

Another thought - are you making sure she's well winded? My baby doesn't drink much (EBF). When she stops drinking I burp her (usually she does it twice) and then she'll drink more. It may be trapped wind that's stopping her drinking more?

No advice I'm afraid OP but DS was the same. With him it turned out to be frustration and not being mobile. He walked and transformed into an amazingly happy child. Until then he shouted at me all day every day. I hated meeting other mums at cafes etc as it just made it clear how hard it was. This will pass

My second was hell on wheels. DS1 was like a doll, DS2 was a screaming, never-sleeping, poor feeding velcro nightmare. If he'd been the first there wouldn't have been another. It didn't improve until he was weaned from bf at 2 and a half, which was when he finally slept through. Hugs. It's awful.

Our DS went through phases a bit like this.

Are you sure she doesn't have silent reflux? It makes them miserable but they don't vomit so people done realise what's wrong. Have a google of symptoms and talk to your doc about trying ranitidine if they seem relevant.

Otherwise, are you sure she's not hungry? In hindsight I wonder whether our son was upset sometimes because I assumed he'd need feeding roughly every 3 hours (formula fed so easier to predict) but sometimes he'd be beside himself after two.

It will get easier so hang on in there!

Dd was unsettled ( though not to your extremes) until I took her for craniosacral therapy for an issue that was really only apparent from about 3m old ( tilted neck). She was so much more settled after first session, spewing after feeds became practically non existent and she was able to wind herself ( sit her up and she burped instantly!) and I think it was all down to the tight muscle she had down one side of her body.
From talking to other parents it seems really common that fussy babies become a lot calmer after a session ( chiropractic care or regular physio also got good recommendations). I was a complete sceptic before but glad i tried it.

When DD was 4 months she went on a breastfeeding strike and I was advised to try and feed her as much as possible. In the end she got even more fed up with me feeding her constantly and drank even less. In the end the only thing that solved it was making her wait 2 hours, then 3, then 4 (gradually of course). I think if she's only taking 3oz each time you should start stretching out feeds too. She'll be hungry enough to want to take more (then will be fuller for longer) and won't get fed up with a bottle coming near her all the time. You'll have some complaints the first day you try it but it sounds like you won't notice the difference at the moment.

Poor you. No real advice except to say with the first baby you get tired but there are times you can rest. With a second or subsequent baby you're permanently exhausted from the start.
It's awful but it does eventually get better.

Thanks for your suggestions. I did actually borrow some Gaviscon off a friend to see if that helped her but I haven't seen a huge difference. I think combination feeding probably isn't helping as I'll give her a boob whenever I can but some days she'll just take bottles all day as I'll be out and about and then I don't know if she's had enough. Maybe if I just stop bf and stick to a 3/4 hour feeding routine then that'll help but I don't think I want to give up completely yet.

It might be hunger related as she often rams her hands in her mouth but I'm always offering her milk which she sometimes takes and sometimes doesn't and always after she wakes for a nap.

I went to a cranial osteopath when she was 6 weeks old but he didn't seem to find anything particularly wrong with her and she was 10x worse for a few days after!

I have come to terms I think with the fact I've probably just got a very difficult baby but it just saddens me that I'm not enjoying her as much as I'd hoped and already looking forward to returning to work. I didn't love mat leave first time around and had planned to make more of it this time but it hasn't worked out that way so far.

Also wondering about silent reflux. Symptoms sound right. Different babies seem to respond to different medication so wouldn't rule it out because Gaviscon didn't help.

I've looked at silent reflux symptoms but she's fine to be put down on her back to sleep (and sleeps reasonably fine - just normal waking to feed) and doesn't cough. She is also putting on weight ok (on 50th centile). The only symptom would be her fussiness in feeding so not sure if that's enough.