I feel like a bad person

[user1498488012]

Hi, I am new to this so please bear with me.

At the beginning of last week, our lives changed most probably forever. I am a mother of one boy who is 11, my partner has two children from a previous marriage a girl of 8 and a boy of 6 he has 50/50 access with his ex wife and its fairly amicable.

She has not been feeling great for a while, lost a bit of weight etc and toing and froming from the hospital for various tests to no avail.

She visited last week to tell us she will be staying in hospital for a few days and could we look after the children they want to keep an eye on her. The very next day she had a CT scan which revealed a mass in her stomach. We were worried but thought at least they have finally found something they can go ahead and start treating her. It was revealed two days later that in actual fact the cancer was terminal, she has 6 months left maximum. As you can imagine, everyone is devastated. The children are beyond upset, as she wanted to tell them (with their dad) as soon as possible.

Myself and her have had very little interaction, I don't really know her at all. She has messaged me to say she wants to speak about things "only mums know". I'm guessing talks will be about her children. She was really very lovely to me and I cannot put into words how sorry I am that this is happening to her. I cant imagine having to say goodbye to my son.

Over the weekend things slowly started to sink in with my partner and the children. How things will be different and difficult but they have a lot of support and friends/family that will help in anyway they can. I was so busy looking after them that I hadn't really thought of the changes that it meant. Until today and I feel like I have been hit with the a sledgehammer.

The guilt I am feeling for being able to see her children grow up and all of the things she will miss out on is unbearable. I'm worried about how the children will treat me once she has died. I'm worried that I am going to let her and my partner down and do and say things wrong where the children are concerned. I love them like they are my own and I feel bad about that too. They are not my children. I don't want their mum to think I am trying to replace her, im not in anyway. And I feel like I am treating the children differently at the moment so I don't get accused of such. I feel bad because I am already tired of the cancer and death talks and don't want it to engulf their lives, I cant remember the last time we had just a normal conversation. I'm embarrassed of my jealousy towards his ex-wife, they are obviously in constant contact at the moment and I should be ok with it, but I am not. I'm angry at her, she has created (not intentionally, or through choice) this massive mess that she will not have to help clear up. I'm angry at myself for being so selfish. This is about the children losing their mum not me. I'm angry at my partner for not confiding in me or talking to me about anything so I feel left out of the loop. His daughter asked me something yesterday, I couldn't answer because I hadn't been told. That made me angry, how am I suppose to be seen as dependable to them if I don't get told things?

There is a lot going on. But I just needed that out of me. I'm sorry.

I suppose if anyone else has ben in a similar situation I would really appreciate the benefit of their advice. Or if anyone know of anything that may help the situation I would really appreciate it.

I love my partner and his children dearly, we are a family in our own right and I am here to support them. I just really don't want to let anyone down and do everything I can to make this as easy for them as possible.

Thanks for reading.

Gosh what an awful situation. I'm sorry for all of you involved. You sound very caring. No doubt there will be very turbulent times ahead but you will help each other through. Take it one day at a time and remember grief is not linear. Remember to take care of yourself as well. Bereavement counselling could help.

I'm so sorry for all of you. That's just awful. I think you need to see about getting some therapy now so you can talk through all these feelings with a professional. Likewise for your DP and the children, for the sake of all of your relationships and mental wellbeing.

By the way having those feelings and thoughts are NORMAL. You're not a bad person, just someone going through an extremely stressful time

Awful situation to be in. It's a real positive that you know yourself and are so emotionally literate and brutally honest (and it's this honesty that is leading you to be so hard on yourself. Some people would bury and hide these untidy feelings. You acknowledge them and therefore can deal with them). Do try and get some counselling. You're going to need strength for the months ahead. Remember that she is lucky that you exist and will be there.

Thank you for the replies. My employer have are offering counselling for me and the whole family if they need or want it. I need someone to talk to and I think its a good idea.

I think because im not technically losing anything; not my friend, mother of my child, mum, sister, daughter etc In fact I am gaining two lovely children, I feel like I have no right to be sad or angry or anything. With those two lovely children, comes masses of pressure and responsibility far greater than anything I have felt before and I feel scared and suffocated by it all. I know I am choosing this, but that doesn't make it any less scary. and then that turns into guilt, im an adult I should be worrying about all of the children not me. Never ending cycle.

My main concern is to make sure that the childrens routine is as close to "normal" as possible. Some stability, amongst the chaos of what is going on, is better than none. It really is such a shitty situation (excuse the language) and I do care about all of them so very much. I even have so much love and admiration for his ex-wife how she is handling this terrible news just is amazing.

Like I said in the OP I just don't want to let anyone down.

I think you should spend as much time as possible getting to know your partner's ex. What are her hopes and dreams for her children who you will be raising. I can't imagine how hard things are for you, but try to put yourself in her place. She is dying and knows she will not be there to watch her children grow up. The most beautiful thing you could ever do is to raise these children and always remind them how much their mother loved them.

You sound like anything but a bad person. I think you are a very, very good person who is also human.

I think if I was the Ex it would give me such strength knowing that my children would be loved by a mother figure after I'd died, that my DD would have someone she trusted to go to when she had her first period, that sort of thing.

I think keeping all the routine and everything as normal as possible for the kids is wonderful. Could you ask DH to keep you informed of what's happening so you can tell the kids if they ask again? Maybe it's less emotional for them to ask you than their DM or DF.

You sound like a rock, and it's ok to be resentful. Counselling sounds like a great idea. You aren't letting anyone down.

Take all the counseling offered. Don't have to continue it if it doesn't work for you but give it a shot.

My Mum died when I was 7. DB 10, 14, DSis 16. Dad remarried my step mum 3 years later with DSB & DSSis the same age as my eldest siblings.

My step mum is my mum to all intents and purposes. I don't remember much about my mum, she was ill quite a lot before she died of cancer. And a lot of your younger memories fade away at about the age of 7.

So little by little you will be their mum but it's not an instant thing. And mum can mean many thanks. Keep talking about her, about feelings etc. It all helps. But above all don't feel guilty.

Do ask her to write them letters for their key life stages though because mum didn't and I'd really have loved that.

Also any family illness history. All the stuff someone asks when you are pregnant etc about family illness.

My maternal grandmother remained a permanent part of our lives until she died. Can you do that too?

I'm not sure this is your responsibility. It seems like you are taking the whole thing on your shoulders and maybe it would be better to take a small step back.

These are your partner's children. Yes you love them but they are your partner's responsibility. You won't ever be able to make up for the loss of their mother and they will be looking to your partner to fill the emotional void. They might even feel misplaced anger towards you if you try and step into the mothering role.

I would be inclined to try and be a friend to them at this stage. I totally agree about giving them security by being a tight unit at home. Obviously they will be living with you, do they have their own rooms? Will they be staying at the same schools etc? It sounds as though their Mum is expecting you to step into her shoes and I'm not sure that's fair on you, their father should be the one having the deep chat re. nurturing them. This reminds me of Jade Goody's ex who is raising their two children and he says he was surprised at how angry they still were and how they would say to him that they wish he had died instead of Jade. It's a massive undertaking to try and get two children through the loss of a parent, I feel for all of you. I think if you can access counselling for them that would be a huge help, I'm sure there are things they don't feel but able to say to any of you right now but are probably eating away at them. Consistency and security are going to be the two things they really need initially.

What a devastating situation for everyone.

I have no useful advice but just wanted to say that you are absolutely not a horrible person. It's totally normal that your emotions are all over the place. You have so much to manage and it will be like this for the foreseeable future. Don't place unrealistic expectations on yourself. Keep talking to friends and look after yourself .

This was so sad to read. But you sound like such a lovely lady who is worried sick about upsetting people and saying or doing the wrong thing. That in itself speaks volumes. I think you should be yourself because that would be enough. Take one day at a time xxxx