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In laws

17 replies

user1485778793 · 20/06/2017 00:53

I gave birth last week to my lovely little boy. We knew at 20 weeks he would have a severe health defect and he's already had surgery at 4 days old. He's doing well and will have another much bigger op in a few weeks. Family were visiting daily until we both decoded to limit people's visits to twice a week to limit the risk of infection and allow him to rest and gain weight ready for his next op. This has gone down very badly with my inlaws! They want to be at the hospital every day. And tbh I don't want them there for the above reasons. We decided one rule for everyone. Each family or group of people have 2 visits. But now the inlaws want to come separately so that's 4 visits. I've said no for consistency. I hate that they are ignoring there are medical reasons for our decision and think their upset comes before our baby.

Am I being unreasonable?

I know if I negotiate with them the flood gates will open as they have 24/7 access to their other grandchild who's parents give them free reign....even putting food in the kids mouth!

I feel reallyou angry they are putting their emotions on us, especially my husband who feels upset and angry at them

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Patriciathestripper1 · 20/06/2017 01:00

You are not being unreasonable.
They should be more respectful
Baby comes first and if hey cannot respect this then I would ban them altogether.

You do not need this stress right now.

DancingLedge · 20/06/2017 01:13

Congratulations on the birth of your DS, and all best wishes for his future health.Sounds like a very hard situation for all of you. Flowers

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Stand firm on what is best for your son, and for you. Hospital visits exist to support the patient, not entertain the visitors.

Just be very clear. Try to remain calm, but don't budge an inch. It's actually not being helpful or respectful to you for them to try and twist round your decision.

I'm trying to imagine how I might feel if this was my eldest DS and wife. I can imagine wanting to visit as much as I could, but definitely not see visits as a right, or something to make a fuss about.

I guess you could, if you feel it would help, say that the hospital wants to limit visits? But I suspect you're going to have to be very clear with them sooner or later anyway.

All best wishes to your DS.

Meowstro · 20/06/2017 01:17

I'm so sorry to hear this, YANBU. As parents, what you say goes and you do have to set a precedent now. Can you tell the ward not to let them in at all unless accompanied with you?

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user1485778793 · 20/06/2017 11:02

They are still trying to negotiate eventhough we've said no. Dh is really upset

OP posts:
Reow · 20/06/2017 11:06

Is DH backing you up?

KatyN · 20/06/2017 11:07

My son was in nicu and we arranged family to visit every other day because it just got too much. That meant each side came every 4 days.
We said we needed time to ourselves to regroup.
Hope they understand soon and your son continues to improve kx

tiktok · 20/06/2017 11:11

OP, with a poorly baby you absolutely don't need this stress and upset. You are perfectly right to prefer quiet, calm and the one to one support of your dh only at this time. If you are expressing/breastfeeding, even more so, as acute stress can impact on your let down. Stick to your guns and refuse them entry if needed.

user1485778793 · 20/06/2017 11:48

Dh is totally backing me up and sticking to the decision. I can't believe they are putting so much emotionall responsibility on us...mainly him because I can switch off from them.

Baby has to be tube fed so I'm expressing.

He is so tiny and fragile and they don't seem to understand he isn't like other babies.

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Reow · 20/06/2017 13:43

If you are DH are in agreement then be firm with them.

Tell them that the hospital have been told that nobody will be allowed to see baby without your express permission.

They're being really quite disrespectful! The last thing you need is to be playing bouncer to your poorly newborn.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2017 14:34

The most important thing in the world is your baby, and I'm glad your husband agrees with you about his parents. They are being absolute dick heads. If they're angry, let them be, and don't waste any time worrying about it.

Heirhelp · 21/06/2017 17:21

Congratulations on your baby. I am sorry that you are having a tough time and I hope your little one heals soon.

I would suggest DH goes for he broken record approach and just keeps repeating the plans and then end the conversation. First it might be a good idea for him to ring or send them a message and say that you need to do what is best for baby and that they are not helping the situation by adding more stress to the situation.

user1485778793 · 21/06/2017 18:45

They came to the hospital today, mil sat there sniffling into a tissue. They didn't say anything to me. Dh walked them off the ward and told them to respect our wishes. He said his mum tried to argue and his dad dragged her away.

Are they totally thick. I've said if she has a cold she's not to come but I think she was laying it on thick for the sympathy.

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 21/06/2017 18:47

Your baby your rules. .
End of. .

user1485778793 · 21/06/2017 19:03

I know! They don't, constantly trying to negotiate but dh is now having none of it at all!Smile

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Heirhelp · 21/06/2017 20:29

I am assuming it is a locked ward? Ask the staff not to let them and just stop answering calls and only send one text a day.

I am glad your DH to standing up to them.

user1485778793 · 21/06/2017 20:47

I stopped replying to her texts about 2 months ago because she was bombarding me and dh with identical texts...and she was very critical of how I looked during pregnancy and blamed me for her anxiety and blood pressure problems

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OnTheRise · 21/06/2017 21:34

Stick to your guns. You are in the right.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and on being such good parents. You're doing this right, and deserve to be supported.

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