Failing with my 2yr old...

[WineandDine]

DS is 2 in September and generally a very happy, smiley and confident little boy. He's very active and 'spirited' as some would say, on the go from the minute he wakes and rarely sits still for more than a minute.

I fear we have hit the terrible twos, the tantrums have started and I'm finding myself at a loss most days with how to deal with him. Our biggest problem is bedtime. He used to be a dream at going down in the evening but it's now turned into a huge battle which has been going on for months. We haven't changed a thing with his routine, very consistent with bath, stories, milk and bed however we're now at the point where only I can put him down as his will just scream and scream for me if DH tries. We've tried being firm, tried being softer but nothing seems to be working and we have many tears before bed every night.

I'm a SAHP and during the mornings we do a mixture of toddler groups, play dates, soft play, parks etc and try to have a more relaxed afternoon at home.
Over the last few weeks the tantrums have become horrendous when trying to get him into the buggy, car seat or when he doesn't get his own way in some other shape or form. I know the best advice is to ignore these tantrums but how does that work when we need to leave the house/shops or when he needs to sleep?

I know this is all very normal but any tips on how to deal with him would be much appreciated. I'm recently pregnant so the hormones and exhaustion aren't helping!

We have exactly the same thing in our house apart from I work Monday - Thursday with one late night a week and I'm not pregnant! Following with interest.

Consistency
Closed choices 'do you want to put your shoes on here or on the sofa' etc etc. Kids can get decision blindness and overwhelmed.
If he's tantrumming just ignore/don't speak until he's ready to talk 'use your words'

My dd will be 2 in July and has been tantrumming a while now. I ignore if we're at home and ignore if we're out. I just put her in the buggy and go about our business. Never give in to tantrums! The other day dd wanted to be carried rather than walk or get in the buggy (I like closed choices too-' do you want to walk or go in the buggy?')and I swear she tantrumming for 40 solid minutes. Not nice but we were walking home and she wasn't disturbing anyone else. Top tip for getting them into the buggy is to make the he starts very, very loose till you get them in the then tighten them.

Personally, I don't like the advice that says ignore a tantrum. He's 2 and he has a lot of very overwhelming feelings.i have been there. I had a terrible time with DD1 at that age. A book that really REALLY helped me was "How to talk so little kids listen". I've attached a photo. DD1 really responded well to the techniques and it saved my sanity. It isn't about giving children their own way all the time but it's about sensitively acknowledging their feelings and frustrations(when you really want to just scream) and giving them small choices in their day.

Ps I was pregnant with DS when DD was going through this phase and it is exhausting

Also following with interest.

Weve started doing two minute timeouts when in the house. Mainly happens around dinner time so is probably hangry. So far iys beem enough to snap her out of it and calm down enough to eat.

Car seat tantrums - i bribe with food. But as i buckle in explain we dont play or mess around in car seats. Thinking in long run that will help.

Pram - i lie it flat as it makes it easier to get straps on. Soon as buckled in she calms down generally.

But i deffo need more ideas. Im so exhausted by it that its getting harder to ignore tbh and im getting angry back (raised voice ). Not cool.

Doesnt help shes coughed and spluttered all over me and i now have her cold

Oooh rainbowpie x-post, thats my strategy at start of day but gradually im worn down. I will need to take a look at that book.

Thank you

What others have said.

And to add, my DD went through similar with refusing the pushchair. When we were heading out I would say we can't go until you're in the pushchair as mummy has to walk fast. And on the way back I would bribe her but do it before a tantrum happens so I would pick her up and say for example "let's put you in the pushchair and you can have a snack/drink while I walk home and then when we get home we can play with X toys together." It did the trick and now she's really easy with it.

comeagain it is really worth a look. It gets easier the longer you use the methods. My relationship with DD was really strained and I dreaded DH going to work. She was a different child within a couple of weeks (and I was a different mummy). It might not be for everyone but it was such a turning point for us.

Thanks so much all, some good tips here and will check out the book rainbow

Any tips to improve bedtimes? He won't let DH put him to bed at the moment (screams blue murder and tries to climb out of the bath when wet which is pretty dangerous) I don't want to give in and have to put him to bed every night but equally by the time 6.30 rolls around I'm completely knackered and just want him in bed as smoothly as possible. We could give closed choices ago maybe? I.e. 'Bath and stories with Daddy or Bath and no stories with Mummy?'

Yes to closed choices, and keeping on keeping on, like a broken record. It seems as if small children have to hear a thing hundreds of times before it clicks into place in their little heads

Also, if he's fighting against buggy/car seat, and going rigid to prevent stealing in, just make him laugh - tickling worked best for us! It's hard to fight when you're giggling!

Stealing!!! Strapping in!!!

Could you try " do you want daddy to read you x or y book?" I find that if there's something that just isn't going to happen (like me carrying an almost 2 year old a mile and a half home!!)I remove that from the options altogether. Would " bath and stories with daddy or bath no stories with mummy" just result in him chosen you then having a tantrum over no stories? Whenever I give choices both outcomes need to be acceptable to me!

"Daddy is going to do your bath, get you into your pjs and brush your teeth. When you are snuggled in bed mummy will come and give you a huge cuddle and read you a story."

Closed choices don't work for us - he says no to both! And then carries on screaming for mummy. I think I'm going to get that book though!

I do quiet, neutral support (although admittedly this is easier not pregnant with a petite child) where I sit her down, say "you are shouting and hitting, that makes mummy feel hurt and sad. We can carry on when you are calm." then I sit with her with some physical contact (yes, sometimes that's a bear hug to stop her legging it!) but not lots of verbal attention.
She seems to calm down and then immediately either says sorry or articulates some kind of hint e.g. "I a little bit sad it home time" (queen of understatements haha).

I have loads of sayings to keep me sane "we ALWAYS hold hands on the road because there are cars" etc which eventually seem to sink in for a few moments.

It's very very wearing and very very hard to do it every time but I haven't found anything else that works so ho hum...

squizita my ds does that! "I wanted to go into pound land!" after a 10 minutes strop I'm stood there thinking 'no shit'. Of course I say " I know ds....sometimes it's hard when you can't have what you want....it's ok to feel sad but not to scream and kick..."etc.

Following with interest (and I've just ordered that book!) DS will be two in a few weeks and is the sweetest boy in the world, except when he's not. Then he's terrible. He screams and hits and stamps his feet and has even bitten me once.

I just don't know what to do. For example yesterday he was playing with the sand pit, but all he wants to do is throw the sand at me or on the ground. If I tell him not to do it, even in my sternest voice and face he just laughs. He doesn't care that I'm telling him off, he just finds it funny.

I've also got a 12 week old DS so am pretty frazzled at the best of times. I can't just 'ignore' bad behaviour because he keeps on doing it, although I do ignore tantrums.

I'm good at closed choices and saying things like 'if you don't put your shoes on then we can't go swimming/to the park/to visit grandad etc etc etc' when he's screaming about putting his shoes on. But when he's actually doing something naughty I don't know how to handle it. Yesterday he hit his brother and I was really cross (rather than fake cross which I sometimes am when I don't really care about the thing he's doing but know he shouldn't do it) but he still laughed.

I would recommend not ignoring the tantrums. These are very big feelings for children and I think it's a very bewildering thing for them. Acknowledging the feelings and staying in control of yourself really helps.

This book is very good - No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame. The author Janet Lansbury also has a Facebook page, where she shares tips.

It doesn't stop the tantrums, it's more about how they make you feel and allowing the child to move past the feelings. I found that the tantrums were usually shorter and easier to deal with. There are tips on how to gain cooperation and what to do if there is an urgent need to just go ahead (say you're on the way to pick up another child).

I'm not sure the tickling idea. If I were upset or mad and another person tickled me to make me do something, I would be even more mad!! Maybe it works for some and sometimes we just need to do what gets is through the day, but I don't think it would be my go-to technique. I have a thing about (not) tickling kids in general though, so maybe it's just me.

I feel your pain, I'm not sure there are many parents who escape this phase altogether. We are out the other side now, thank goodness.

Have a look at the Janet Lansbury page mistermagpie. It's really common for toddlers to have difficulties (and test more) a new baby arrives.

A lot of kids also go through the hitting or biting phase. My 4 year old will sometimes still hit if he doesn't get what he wants (noticeably it will be my husband who he does it to though, rather than me). They key here is consistency - holding the hands and saying the same thing - simple messages and acknowledging feelings. For eg "I know you were upset that I won't let you have a cake, but I won't let you hit".

With hitting and biting in particular it's often hard as the recipient not to take it personally. But it's a way of expressing a feeling or testing and asking for boundaries. I found it reduced considerably as my son's language skills improved.

Indubious you're right about the choices both needing to lead to the same end goal. And in hindsight putting an almost 2yr old to bed with no stories from Mummy is a tad harsh! Will see how we get on tonight.

squizita some of our sayings are also starting to sink in and I think a big part of our problem is that DS can't yet articulate much of what he's feeling. I try and help him verbalise things but it's hard!

mistermagpie hang in there! Must be so tough with a baby in tow. No real advice but it's comforting to know that others are also in the same boat (although I'm really sorry you're also being driven up the wall!)

Off to order the book and will look up Janet Lansbury Forty, thanks.
I have 'Confident Toddler Care' by Jo Frost which is also pretty good although I obviously need to re read it!

DD is spirited too and tantrums a lot. But I don't give her a choice over some things, like going in the buggy/wearing reins/ getting dressed. When she needs a nap or keeps tantruming in the street, she goes in the buggy. I strap her in while she's screaming and kicking and just start walking (ignoring the tantrum). She calms down within 5 minutes once the buggy is moving. Sometimes getting her in takes a while (she's strong and wiggly). If I'm with friends I ask them to help. Once the tantrum stops I offer her food/drink and a cuddle.

She's calmer when has lots of exercise so I encourage lots of walking, also swimming, park, softplay.

I try to detach emotionally when she has a tantrum (deep breath, tune out from the noise, keep talking calmly) but I don't ignore. She gets more worked up if I ignore her and I don't feel it's kind when she's distressed. I try to remind myself she's feeling sad/angry/tired but can't express why.

I don't always find the two choices works - he says "those are not good options"! (He's a bit older, 2y9m). But I definitely think supporting through the big emotions is fairer than ignoring, even though in the moment it often involves him getting very cross with me ("I don't want you Mummy", "you don't love me" etc).

Definitely recommend Janet Lansbury! I'm not a fan of Jo Frost (who doesnt even have kids!) as she's more about squashing the child's will and controlling with rules whereas Janet Lansbury recognises the child's perspective and helps you discipline whilst not breaking their spirit iyswim. She is about building a relationship of trust and parrnershio which I really like and it really works!
Good luck!

I've also heard great things about Sarah ockwell smith. She's got books like Gentle Discipline and Gentle Parenting. She also created parenting classes called Toddler Calm. Might be worth seeing if there are any in your area?

sarahockwell-smith.com/tag/gentle-parenting/