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Original poster

Thinking of having a second child

32 replies

NappyChange · 20/03/2007 20:41

This may sound naff for those who have done it and esp. to those who have 3, 4 or more. My DD is 8 months. We love her. We want another - how the bloody hell do you cope? Our house is small, but sure its big enough. DH's salary isn't fantastic but sure we could make it stretch. My Mum had 6 but she is no longer with us otherwise I'd ask her. For those who have 2, was it bloody awful in the beginning?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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morningpaper · 20/03/2007 20:46

I think if you hvae a short gap then it IS bloody awful in the beginning (for a year or two)

If you have a longer gap (I opted for 3 years) then it is much easier in the early months

Personally I HATE the early months, I find it such terrbly hard work, so I really wanted to make that part as easy as possible, so I went for a gap

I found it absolutely fine with a 3 year gap

Having a girl first is easier IMO, because you can encourage their mothering side with dolls etc and they extend this to a younger sibling

margo1974 · 20/03/2007 20:48

Yes 'twas awful

but I also have 2 little girls who I love lots

When your DD gets older you will see her personality develop and she will test you and at the same time she will make you laugh.

My 2nd is 14 weeks and it is already getting easier to deal with 2

Good luck

PanicPants · 20/03/2007 20:48

What would you consider a short age gap?

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morningpaper · 20/03/2007 20:49

I consider a short age gap to be under 2 1/4

That's very specific but I have obsessively followed threads on this...

foxybrown · 20/03/2007 20:53

To confuse you, I totally disagree with MP! My two boys are 14 months apart and it is fab! Its physically hard in the early days, pushing a double buggy, two lots of nappies etc. I wouldn't do it any other way. They are 4 and 5 now.

There are 22 months between no 2 and 3, and I found that the boys would be playing together, no 3 would be napping and I'd have time on my own. Now PG with no 4, there'll be a 2.5 year gap.

My boys get on well with each other and their friends. Physically they are very similar (which makes fighting much more of a fair match!). They do knock lumps out of each other, of course, but they are best friends too.

The key for me was/is to be super organised, and thats really hard work.

roisin · 20/03/2007 20:54

We have 22 months between them, and it wasn't awful in the beginning. The baby enjoyed having the toddler to watch and entertain him, and we just got on with it. Babyhood is much easier second time around.

I found it very hard when the baby started to be mobile, but couldn't yet communicate, and the toddler wasn't really old enough to be mature and sympathetic of the baby! In addition ds1 wasn't old enough for playgroup, so I did have them both at home 24/7.

So from ds2 being 9-21 months was the hardest.

But we got through it and there are loads of advantages in having two close in age. (ds1 will be 10 this year!)

PanicPants · 20/03/2007 20:57

Ds is 19months and if I fell pg now he would be 2ys and 4 months. So I'm now thing if we started trying in the summer then that sort of age gap would be just about right (she says, trying to convince herself)

morningpaper · 20/03/2007 20:58

ah foxybrown, are you sure you haven't just FORGOTTEN?

I agree that second time around, many things are easier, and it is SO much more interesting for a second child to be born into an exciting house with TOYS and A CHILD to entertain them - must be terribly boring for first children to be stuck at home all day with nothing to look at but boring middle-aged people....

PanicPants · 20/03/2007 20:58

thinking

morningpaper · 20/03/2007 21:00

panicpants yes do it!

Original poster

NappyChange · 20/03/2007 21:03

Responses very interesting and helpful, relieved that no-one thinks I am being a big girls' blouse. Millions of women cope, my clock is ticking - LOUDLY, so best get on with it.

OP posts:

prettymum · 20/03/2007 21:04

2 year gap between dd and ds and i dont find it that hard. i felt much better after having ds than when i had had dd, and they get on really well!

Dottydot · 20/03/2007 21:08

it was bloody awful in the beginning. There are 28 months between ds's and the first 6 months were absolute hell. I felt utterly guilty breastfeeding ds2 constantly (it seemed like!) and not being able to give enough attention to ds1, who was 2.4 and very distressed ds2 had come along to ruin his life. There was never enough time for either of them and never enough sleep for me and dp.

3 years later it's wonderful - ds's are really close, play together brilliantly and life is sooooo much better. But if I could choose again I'd have a bigger age gap between them - at least 3 years. And if we ever have another one the rule is we're waiting until ds2 will have started school!!

foxybrown · 20/03/2007 21:09

Well.... I did find it hard being very PG with a baby who wasn't walking... but I figured if I was awake all night with a baby, I might as well be awake with two.

I found going from 1 to 2 hard, but I don't think that's as much to do with the age gap as to maternal guilt and questioning my ability. 2 to 3 was easy, learnt to be Slack Mum by then.

Do it, NappyChange, Do it, Do it.

foxybrown · 20/03/2007 21:11

And why do you think you're being a big girls blouse, NappyChange? The only person to tell me I was mad was my Mum.

Or was she the only one to voice it I wonder? hmmm

PanicPants · 20/03/2007 21:19

Nappychange - how old are you? (sorry if I'm being nosey) just interested as I can feel my clock ticking too. I'm nearly 33 and it took 4 yrs to conceive ds.

Original poster

NappyChange · 20/03/2007 21:23

Panicpants - I am 36 nearly 37, not ancient I know but it took me a while to concieve with DD.

Foxybrown - felt a bit of a wimp asking the question on MumsNet - everyone sounds so bloody experienced and I assumed (wrongly) that I'd get slapped down. It is still early days for me on MN.

OP posts:

lillochum · 20/03/2007 21:24

It is very hard work having them close together - there are other pros and cons too. There are 18 months between my first 2 and 2 yrs 8 months between No.2 and No.3. My husband would have a 4th, but even now No.3 is 4yrs old I don't think I could cope with a newborn or just the exhaustion etc of pregnancy on top of looking after the others. You never realise how easy you have it with one until you are pregnant with No.2! My mother maintains that my particularly sunshiny first babe lost some of that sunshine when her sister arrived, but the close gap meant no jealousy issues, lots of early play, and no memory of when she was an only. They say that to avoid jealousy issues, you should keep the gap either under 2 yrs or over 4 yrs. I certainly didn't get jealousy problems, and they do play well together. As time goes on we can do more things together as a family too. I don't regret the spacing, but it IS knackering!

lillochum · 20/03/2007 21:29

By the way, as if I haven't written enough, as regards conceiving - having difficulty first time doesn't mean you will 2nd time. I can't claim to have had real hassles as 1st time took just 4 months, but 2nd and 3rd took no time at all - the little so and sos leave signposts! I did hear of someone who had fertility treatments to get twins at age 40, but conceived and gave birth to ANOTHER set of twins within the year without any help at all - YOUCH!

Loopymumsy · 20/03/2007 21:32

This reply has been deleted

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foxybrown · 20/03/2007 21:34

Financially it doesn't make a huge difference (in the early days).

And I do have a cleaner - which really, really helps

lizziemun · 20/03/2007 22:49

NappyChange,

I was 35 when i had dd and when she was 10 month old we decided to try for number 2, like you it took a while for fall for number 1.

I am not trying to put you of ttc or making harder for you but it has taken us nearly 3 years to pg again so although we wanted a small gap under 2 years, dd will be 3yrs 7mths when i have this one.

I expect it to be hard at the beginning, but for me/us it will be worth it to make our family complete.

I just think if you think the worse it can only be better.

Clary · 20/03/2007 23:02

I had a 2yr gap which is as small as I would like tbh (tho I then went on to have a 22mo gap! lol).

If your gap is 18mo or less then you probably need a double buggy (=work of the devil), plus yr older child won't be able to eg walk from the car (lots of carrying) or maybe feed themselves well etc etc. It helps if baby no1 is a bit independent. (IMO)

Actually, when you have your first baby (I have discussed this with others and it's true) you are very busy; but when you have no2 and you just feed them, change them and sit them in a bouncy chair where they happily watch the toddler playing/go to sleep, you wonder what you did all day with just one baby.

nally · 20/03/2007 23:07

I think you should go for it. DD1 was 8 months old when i fell pg with DS. They are as close as close can be! DS was 2 years & 7 months old when I fell pg with dd2. She is only 6 months now. The bigg'uns dote on her and she is fascinated by everything they do. She smiles and smiles and chuckles her chubby cheeks off when watching her siblings! It was amazing having DD1, but it is triply (sp) amazing having all three of them!
I didn't find it difficult to cope when DS came along apart from the bf thing. DD1 was too young to understand why I was (what seemed like) ALWAYS sat on the sofa with DS attached to me like a limpet.
When pg with DD2 I found it exhausting but mainly because I am also a childminder and therefore had 5 kids around me already, plus one in tum.
Will stop waffling now. I do go on....

snipersmum · 20/03/2007 23:13

definitely go for it - although we tried for 4 years for ds1, ds2 came along relatively quickly after only 8 months of trying. There are 20 months between the boys, and I have to say I found it much harder going from 0-1 child than 1-2 children. The first 4 months weren't a bed of roses, admittedly, but I felt that I hadn't come out of the baby fog really from the first time, and for me that wasn't as bad as getting used to having my life back and then starting again. I felt much more competent as a mother and more confident to do things my own wasy rahter than wading through mountains of conflicting advice. The boys are interested in the same things, share toys, so the space thing didn't make a lot of difference, and although now they scrap quite a lot (dS1 is 3 and ds2 is 20 months) they hate being apart and are starting to play together. I love having them both so close in age, for us its worked really well.

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