Worried about living arrangements when kids stay at their dads flat.

[Cantspellmynameright]

Hi,

My husband left me four weeks ago, with two kids aged 8 and 10 (m & f).

We've agreed that he'll be taking them every other weekend, but at the moment he is renting a single room at a friends house, so can't take the kids overnight.

He has been looking for another home to rent, so that the kids can come and stay, but today he's told me he's going to rent another flat share.

His plan is that when the kids come to stay, he'll sleep on a sofa in the living room, and they'll share his room, one on an air mattress, the other on the bed.

I'm really concerned about this arrangement. Are there any particular things that he has to provide for the kids to stay regularly? Like a proper bed?

Our daughter has already said she doesn't want to sleep there, and his answer was that she doesn't have to, and he'll just pay me a bit more maintainance for her to sleep at my house (that I've had to find, pay for, get three bedrooms etc).

I think I need legal advice, but I'm hoping you guys can shed some light on this before I try to find a solicitor next week.

TiA x

Is he very short of money?

I don't think, legally, there are things he has to provide for the children to stay. The scenario could be the same if he were renting a studio or 1 bed place.

I'd be less keen on young children staying in a room on their own in a house with strangers. Likelihood is that all will be fine but still not worth the risk.

I'd be strongly encouraging him to get his own place, for the sake of his ongoing relationship with his daughter. Overnight stays make a huge difference (speaking from experience).

If your daughter is approaching puberty and uncomfortable sleeping with her brother then either the males sleep together or one of the children sleep on a blow up bed . Hopefully you can all come to a cimfortable arrangement.

My DSC have shared up until this summer (yr 3 boy/yr 7 girl) but we've moved house to give them their own rooms. Would have done it 6 months earlier if possible. I would have thought you've a year or 2 before puberty etc. becomes a big issue.

Seems fairer if you rent a 2 bed place and then he might be able to afford to do the same? They deserve to feel comfortable at both homes.
I think whether or not I would feel uncomfortable with a flat share would depend hugely on who he was sharing with.

There are no 'rules'. If your ex has parental responsibility then his decisions about his children under his care are up to him. As long as the children are not in danger. It may not be what you choose for your children but it's up to him.
Ultimately his decisions in this situation will have a direct result on his relationship with his children. If he doesn't put their comfort and happiness whilst in his care high on his priority list, then they will not want to spend time with him. He needs to get his act together as a parent.

Copping out and sending daughter back to you is not acceptable. You are entitled to 'time off' if looking after them 10/14 on your own. (Sometimes this is also used as a subtle control mechanism to prevent you from having a social/sex life) Do not do this. He is the parent as well and needs to sort it out. It will do absolutely no harm for a few months until he sorts himself out.(If it's a financial reason to share rather than a choice)

Where did you expect him to get the money for a bigger place in one month?

He makes three times the amount I do, and has savings too. I've had to find a new place to live as I can't afford to stay in the current house without him contributing.

I really can't see the issue , particularly as he is not insisting that they stay there , is your problem that you may not get a night without the children ?

Oh I see cantspell sounds like he is making an active choice for it to not be an easy place for them to stay then?

If I would you, I'd make yourself the same promise I did when I split from ex. That I would never let my kids feel that neither parent wanted them that hour/day/week. Ex is a dick and messes us around a lot but I just plan my life accordingly, even if it means weeks go by without a "night off"