need advice - work life balance for go-getting exec with SAHM and young family

[anon305]

He's doing really well at work and doing lots of it and a fair share of parenting but at the expense of his own fitness and stress-levels. What do you other mn'ers do? Is one night per week for him, one night per week for me + a monthly "mr and mrs" date too much to expect?

Kids are 1 and 3 and I am SAHM. Most of the time life's ok - but when it gets stressful I resent how much I'm on my own with the kids and how little time I get to do my own thing because he's out / away / exhausted from being out / away and and he resents how little time he gets to be on his own.

He's always been a bit of a loner - no local mates to regularly go to pub with, but until kids always played in a sports team or two.

We think one answer may be to be more routine about setting aside time for him to be able to do his own thing, and for me to do the same and for us to do our "mr and mrs" thing. But for a family who are always working around his work travel commitments we've always prided ourselves on being able to be flexible about our schedules - so routines are a bit daunting.

all tips will be most gratefully received

book a regular babysitter once a month and use it!

I think you have to book time in for yourself as well, me time is really important. it sounds like my life as well.

how much paid help do you have? what about a cleaner? an au-pair? then that way both of you would have less to do by way of dull house hold chores and could use the free time for hobbies/sports/nights out.

btw it's great you are talking about this and seeking solutions not just simmering away with resentment.

Does your husband travel away alot?

My dh works long hours but some of them are at home.Luckily with his last promotion the foreign travel seems to have stopped. He works most evenings 2/3 hours but never a Friday or Saturday.

One night a week is mine - I do yoga.
One night a fortnight he plays poker with workmates - most have young kids so they take it turns at each others houses so the DW's can go out/chill etc.

Friday nights are for relaxing together - as we have problems getting babysitters we rent a DVD and have a curry/pizza and cuddle up in front of the TV.

Don't know if this will help but its what we are doing at the moment.

big thanku for the positive help bossyk - our situation isn't so positive in reality.

Have to fix our lifestyle NOW as I spent last weekend alternately supporting and tiptoeing around a properly depressed dh AGAIN. Has happened maybe 4 times in our 8 years together but is pretty horrid when it happens. This time was because he's been overdoing it at work for a month or so (been working on a scary project to reduce workforce) and then had the flu and gone back to work before he was well and felt worse all round as a result.

It seems that both of us are guilty of only attempting to make a serious change when the stakes are seriously high. As a family we won't be maintaining our current lifestyle - we can't because he says our marriage won't survive it.

A supply of 2 or 3 good babysitters and a cleaner has been about the most importnat thing for our family life, regardless of whether we were each working full, part-time or not at all.

I think that you each need to take responsibility for your own health, and ensure that that time is provided for whether it is relaxation or exercise. You can't do this for your dh, other than arrange sitters if he wants them. But if you set an example he might take the hint! The scheduled dates don't work for us - it just becomes yet another thing we have to do in a given week. But we nevertheless keep track of how we're doing and will book a sitter and go out. Hence having 2 or 3 sitters gives us more options than relying solely one one.

We have a sitter every Wednesday to go out together - sometimes we go for a cycle or to the gym, more often at the moment we eat out, but are both in need of loosing some weight so back to the biking I think. If he is out/away I still have the sitter and go out with friends or just go for a swim.
dh has started singing in a choir on Saturday mornings and then has until 1:30 (when kids get back from activities) as his time. When the boys were smaller the weekends seemed harder.
Sometimes I've had help in the day time, which meant I didn't resent him having time out at the weekend. We don't do the regular evenings for ourselves as he is usually home too late for me to want to go out, but about once a month I have a meeting and he probably stops for drinks/ has fun work stuff (like going to rugby which I don't count as work really!) about twice a month.
Can your dh find time in the day for gym visit a couple of times a week, or a run from the office or even cycling to work - dh cycles to the station a couple of times week in the summer - 25 mins rather than 15 mins in the car so doesn't really take up much time, but does make him feel much better. Could you find a gym/pool with a creche or find another mum to trade children with or just find an under employed au pair for a few hours in the day ?
The regular sitter definately works well for us - the other things tend to be more flexible. I was definately starting to loose the plot when my 2 were 3 and 1, but knowing he would be home at a sensible time and I could leave the house once a week made a huge difference. Luckily dh doesn't often suffer from stress, but has family history of heart problems so try to keep an eye on things. Hope you can work something out that suits you all - at least you both realise somethings needs to change.

hello anon

i noticed the following in your post...

"as a family we won't be maintaining our current lifestyle - we can't because he says our marriage won't survive it."

scary! do you want to unpack that a little as my a level english teacher used to say?

sorry bossyk - can't add more other than that i want to stay married to him and I'm working on it.

He's been away working. Tonight's his first night back. Am going to spend today keeping busy making sure all is sweet as sugar at home tonight.

thanks again

Hi anon35

I know perfectl well what you mean, this was my life until veru recently.

I used to moan a lot but eventually got used to being on m own most of the time, I got social interaction with my friends who had children the same age, so we were alwas at each other houses for children's tea and a glass of wine for the mums (after 6pm !)

We also tried to get a babsitter at least once a month, and I occasionall got one for myself to go to the cinema with friends.
Are your children at nursery? i found having at least a couple of mornings free to myyself (which I used for jogging/shopping/internet surfinh, occasionally to tidy up) were an absolute life saver!

When we had jus one dd we also used to have a lie in each at the weekend, one would do he earl shift on a sat the other on a mon.

Can he not start playying again? m dhs ometimes playys footbal with work people. not regularl, but it's good for him.

Another thing we do is socialise a lot at the weekends, we spend at least one day in the companyy of a family we like, so we all get some social interaction, me, dh and the kids.

good luck, hope things work out!!

if he is depressed then he should go to the gp and get treatment. it is really unfair on you and the family if he doesn't. anti-depressants are marvellous things. of course you can still work on the structural issues.

he also owes it to you all not to neglect his physical health. i'm sure he is aware that he won't be a very effective manager if he is tired, run down, neglected and prone to illness - so he is not even being a good worker by struggling on!

get as much paid help as you can afford.

hth and good luck

what news anon?

Thanks for asking bossyk!

health & mood has stabilised - dh still weary and a bit twitchy still but definitely over the flu - didn't work into the wee small hours at all last week....and at end of week got an unsolicited "thank you for being patient with me" ! ! !

Otherwise baby-steps are being taken.
Exercise - new rule = mood-lifting 1/2 hour walks on sat and sunday AM's.

Date night = tidying our study last week and we have a sitter this week so we're off to the pub....businesstravel and holiday will mess it up for the next couple of weeks so need to book "date" for next month now.

Chores = the gardener has been hired. Obtained agreement that we should hire handyman - 2b investigated after the easter break.

Challenge now is to keep up these new habits and enjoy the benefits!

sounds positive! good luck