At my wits end with 3yo

[whatsmyname2017]

My youngest DS is 3 and a half. He's always been a 'challenge' to say the least. He was a fairly good baby but his toddler years have been horrendous.
Basically every day consists of him screaming his head off when I say no to him, or tell him we're going somewhere he doesn't want to go, or do something he doesn't want to do. He is SO stubborn, he just refuses to do anything I tell him.
I've tried reasoning with him, distracting him, threatening to take toys away, losing my temper - nothing seems to work. He constantly fights with his older brother and is quite violent to him.
He flat our refuses to go to bed so that is a screaming match every night. Then he gets out of bed 4/5 times with various excuses.
I really am demented with him. I thought he would start to improve as he approached 4 but he's getting worse.
Oh, and he's an angel at nursery!
Help, anyone any tips?

Similar here with 3.5 DD. Would tackle bedtime first. For staying in bed, audio book and/or lying in room with him but firm that you will leave unless he is quiet and trying to go to sleep. For the getting ready for bed process, just started techniques in book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" with some success so far (touch wood). This is after trying enforced "time out" in bedroom which sent her totally bonkers for over half an hour so very counterproductive! Sure others will be along soon with better advice.

I know it's so hard with toddlers but maybe consider a few things which may be affecting him.

Has he changed suddenly to a bad tempered and stubborn child or has it built up?
Does he watch a lot of tv, iPad, things on the phone? Kids under 7 should not be using gadgets (yes this day and age it's hard but if they don't have it they won't miss it). These distractions are nothing but a devils toy in my view!
Does he get enough outdoor playtime in the garden or park? More than being inside with the tv on? It's vital kids get to spend time outside to release their frustration and built up energy.
Are you or your partner shouting a lot at him? If you're angry and negative all the time, kids pick up on this and think "if mum is like this, it must be normal for me to be like that"
Do you give him a lot of affection? Like hugs, kisses, physical closeness. It's absolutely vital that young kids feel loved (physically) by their parents in order to grow and develop as they learn that showing affection is also a way of bonding and growing closeness, hence he won't be so shouty all the time.
Does he get any talking time with you? Again, kids have so much on their mind but often can't express it properly. Maybe try some quiet 1 to 1 time every single day with him to ask him how his day at nursery was, what things he liked doing today etc. If he has a chance to talk to you and express himself, he may not be so angry and frustrated.

Honestly, I know it may sound impossible but by having a constant positive attitude yourself will really make a massive difference to your kid's personality. You have to be consistent and patient. That's the key. Not be nice to him for 5 mins then go back to square one. Try it and see how you get on.

All the best.

Thanks for the replies.
Alwayschatting to answer some of your questions. He has always cried a lot over the slightest thing. Even when he was under 2, he would start crying if I looked at him the wrong way. This has all gradually gotten worse. He hardly ever watches TV although he does use an Ipad (but not excessive) and I have stopped him using before bed. He gets lots of outdoor time, I take him to the park all the time, football in the garden etc. I do however, find myself shouting quite a lot but that is probably because I feel like he doesn't listen or do what he's told.

He gets lots of hugs and kisses so he's not lacking in affection. Despite his awful behaviour, he does tell me he loves me all the time.
I know shouting and losing my temper is the wrong thing but its so hard when he just ignores me when I try to be reasonable with him.
I know I need to be calmer and more positive - I will try but its hard when I've had to put up with it for hours on end. I'm a single mum too so have to deal with it alone.
Ikillpotplants I might try that book! I'll try anything.

Bit of a cliché but would a star chart work? I've tried them previously with ds to no avail but have reinstated one for the last couple of weeks and it has worked well.

DS is the same age and we have similar challenges. I don't agree with everything she writes and her tone can be a little worthy, but I am definitely a better parent with a better behaved child when I've been reading Janet Lansbury (either her blog or book). I wish I had the patience to follow her techniques all of the time but she's definitely made me feel differently about DS's behaviour and I have stopped taking it so personally.

I really like the 'how to talk so kids will listen books'. There's one specifically for toddlers. I don't think there's a magic solution but it doesn't help to have a few more tools to use!

I've ordered the book as I'm prepared to try anything!! I thought I'd watched enough supernanny episodes to deal with this shit.