Upset, can't decide what to do about DS and playgroup

[zebra]

4yo DS refused to stay at playgroup today. Typical uncooperative behavior from him, when he got upset over something temporary & trivial, that still managed to ruin most other plans I had for today and upset me enormously. Last week, I pulled 2yo DD out of playgroup, very reluctantly, as I have a baby to cope with, too. But DD wasn't settling partly due to her young age, and she isn't too difficult for me to manage, overall.

Now I wonder what to do about playgroup. Only 6 more sessions this term, including sort-of academic session tomorrow pm, when the children do things like writing their names. But DS usually refuses to stay for that session, too. There's a bouncy castle planned next Tuesday (last day), too... plus I made a tentative playdate with one of the other children later in the month. But I don't have a phone number for that child's mother.

I am SO ANGRY at DS for uncooperative behavior... But it's a military exercise to get us to playgroup, I can't be asked if DS won't stay. So... should I

1. Just give up on going to playgroup rest of the term? Stay in all day, most week days, rest of summer. Forget the playdate. DS will be upset, but he'll forget about it; his loss (DD is a homebody, and baby doesn't care).

2. See if DS will stay for both sessions tomorrow; if he doesn't, forget rest of term.

3. Promise DS a treat (like a special bickie or lolly) if he stays tomorrow... and/or for rest of sessions. Give this option max 50% chance of success.

4. Tell DS attend all remaining sessions or no bouncy castle, no playdate. Only give this a 5% chance of success... DS doesn't do long-term rewards.

But I know I'm tired and upset & not thinking straight. It would make my life easier if DS went, but I don't know if I can be asked, any more. What would you do?

Heavens, sorry that's so long!

message withdrawn

Instead of sweets etc for a treat what about suggesting one of his friend's comes for tea or to play after nursery for an hour at the end of term or a weekend? or even a couple - get him socialising with kids at the playgroup outside of playgroup and then he will want to go and see them?

I tend to agree with twiglett. I'd be reluctant to let him stay off because of the precedent for starting school (although I can completely see why it's a major hassle). Is he aware of the whole starting-school-thing? I just wonder if there is an underlying anxiety there which is making him play up.

Also, I am completely out of touch here- you've had a baby???? I knew you were pregnant, but I've missed all this. a) maybe that's making him want you to stay, becuase of jealousy? and b) CONGRATULATIONS!

DS is just a moody sod, he's the most uncooperative child I know. Although maybe we are just crap at discipline, I can't judge right now. He seems to respond better the stricter we are/more shouting and telling off we do. But you can't force him to do anything; it's constant walking on eggshells watching his mood, and I'm fed up with it. I don't think new sibling or school starting thing is part of today's strop... I can't see an any diff between today's behavior and before the baby was born.

We are moving end of July to another town so not much point keeping in touch with the other playgroup kids, anyway... Will probably spend a month unpacking, so all of August at home is less daunting than it sounds. But July, in this small terrace and tiny patio garden, would be tougher.

Thanks, tamum. You can guess why I didn't announce anything...

I agree that he need to go to finish it off. GIve him ots of advance warning etc and talk it over a bout how you are going to go and then just Go! leave it to them to sort out.

He is only doing thi sfor your benefit!

zebra make him stay. My ds is/was the same and its just attention seeking

Just tell him zebra

YOua re the boss!

Hahahaha, Coddy.
I left DS crying and kicking at nursery for 2 years... really don't want 2 relive that.

is he ok now though?

zebra - what do YOU want him to do? And what do YOU think is best for all of you? If you think he should be at playgroup then you have to just go with that and be as firm as you can be. If you think you'd all be better at home then go with that - but make sure DS knows that this is NOT becuase HE wouldn't go - even if you have to make up a different reason. Good luck!

I work in a playschool and agree that you should leave him. He's playing you up and will settle when you leave. Make the goodbyes brief - why prolong the misery for you both - and give him a treat when you collect him. There are children who cry and cling every morning, and literally two minutes after the parent leaves, they are playing happily. If your son was miserable for the entire session, or even for half an hour, surely the staff would ring you to come and collect him. If he is happy at playgroup after you go, you are doing him a disservice by keeping him away. Also, if you give in over this, what's next? Let the staff deal with him and go, is my advice.

Me too. A little 'tough love' really as you definately don't want this problem running on into when school starts for him! Maybe he could look forward to a small treat after he attends each session? You need a lot of support here from playgroup too. It will be hard for you to leave, but they should have lots of measures up their sleeves for calming him and distracting him. Remember also that he's probably feeling somewhat displaced too after the arrival of a new baby. Playgroup is his place, so would really be best if you can persuade/bribe him to go.

Why does he hate going so much, and why is he so generally unco-operative? I think you need to get to the bottom of his behaviour - as someone else said, the fact that he's been displaced (again) by a baby is probably affecting his behaviour massively. It sounds to me like he needs an awful lot of attention and reassurance - and of course with a 2 year old and a baby, that's almost impossible to give him. Is he feeling dumped every time he goes to playgroup? I wouldn't worry about the academic sessions etc., it's not important at this stage. But I agree with others that he really needs to feel that the playgroup - and later school - is not somewhere horrible that he has to go because Mummy doesn't want him anymore, it's somewhere special for him to go and enjoy himself because he's so special.