Advice needed please....

[specksys]

Hi
Before I start I'm kinda new to this. I'm not sure I have posted this in the right place but here goes. I'm actually a dad who needs some help with his partner. We have been together for 10+ years and living together for 8. She is the most amazing woman and I feel very lucky to be with her. Against all odds in 2015 we welcomed our beautitiful daughter. It has been so special watching her grow and develop, I love being a dad.

So far so good...

In the past year things have changed a lot with regards to my partner. She had returned to work for two days a week. Since returning to work she has become really... choose my words wisely here...inactive.

She spends her days at home sitting on the sofa watching movies and sitting on Facebook. I must point out she is looking after our daughter aswell, which she does a fine job of. She says she can do nothing while looking after little one as she is so demanding. Which I get to an extent.

It's just starting to get me down also. I get up early wash up, feed the cat, get ready and go to work. I then come home to a mountain of washing up, the house is a bomb site, bins over flowing and stacks of washing. So I tend to get home, cook tea, feed little one, wash up, put washing on, iron the stack of clothes from the previous day, hoover up the days mess, bath little one get her to bed. I then have the small window to get myself ready before bed.

I spend most of my weekends cleaning up. I do all of the driving. It's just getting too much for me.

Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting her to be Mary Poppins I know it's hard work looking after a toddler. But everytime I try and speak about it I get shot down.

I really don't know where to go from here. She is a fantastic mum but I'm really struggling to do everything. Any advice on how to approach this?

Have you spoken to her about it? Could she be suffering from PND?

I think you have no choice but to talk to her about it. Pick a quiet time when the baby is asleep, and without sounding accusatory, ask her if she's been struggling with anything. Tell her you're concerned about your home and lack of interest in pitching in. You can not be expected to handle everything on your own. If she needs help, I hope you can get it for her.

Some toddlers really are relentlessly demanding all day - mine isn't even too bad and I still find it much harder to get stuff done than I did when he was a baby. Have you tried having your dd (alone) all day while trying to get other stuff done too? Perhaps encourage your partner to go away for a weekend so you can get a sense of what her weekdays are really like?

That sounds difficult. I can see it from the other side as my DS is 2 next week so presumably similar age to your DD and I'm a sahm.

I do feel that the house is (mostly) my responsibility, but it's not perfect. I prioritize my DS obv, but making his meals, and then keeping the kitchen tidy, doing the washing and ironing (not much) and basic cleaning and tidying and household admin. I also usually cook dinner for me and DH while he puts him to bed if he's home early enough. Yes there are days when I text him to tell him to get a takeaway on his way home or basically throw DS at him when he walks in the door cos he's been driving me insane!

BUT my DS usually naps for 2 hours in the afternoon so I use that time to do those jobs and is also relatively able to entertain himself (ok often it's watching tv, but he will play with toys) while I tidy up or whatever. Plus he's now started nursery 2 mornings a week as I'm expecting DC2 in a few months, so I can really get sorted when he's not here! DH also takes him out on a weekend for a few hours so I can have some time to myself and/or get some major cleaning done.

Perhaps consider some nursery hours? Or a cleaner? Or her going back to work? Or speaking honestly to your DP and see what the problem is? It doesn't sound like you're expecting an immaculate house and dinner on the table every night, but you are a team and need to work together.

I see your DP works 2 days a week. Maybe being at home is not for her and she needs to increase her work hours? Sitting on the sofa all day with a toddler is not healthy in my opinion - and don't get me wrong, I have days when I do that and no judgement here for the odd duvet day, you cope how you can, but not 3 days every week. Your child needs to be entertained and your DP needs to have a purpose to her day. Hope you work something out!

Sounds like she needs to work more and put the toddler in paid childcare. Maybe it's just not for her. (Speaking as someone who loves my toddler but actually can't wait to go back to work)