full of regret and feel terrible please help

[antwoman]

I feel absolutely awful. I have a wonderful 9month dd. she's usually really happy and easy to be with, sits and plays happily with her toys for ages etc but I feel like I wish I'd never wanted a baby. I love her so don't want to not have her but the old me is finding it hard to adjust. lately she's tething and full of cold etc so is a bit miserable which is fair enough but I'm finding it hard not to be so bloody selfish. why can't I be as loving as my mother? I'm not treating her badly I do cuddle her etc but I have to force myself to act like my mum who is the best mum ever because I want my dd to feel as loved as I do. I'm just rambling now. dh works LONG hours so I don't get a break. mu parents help but don't want to take the piss and I want to be with dd cos I need to love her more. I had pnd but got better but now I feel shit again. is this normal? Do you all feel trapped, regret, inadequate and GUILT????

You sound really sad Antwoman. I'm sorry you're feeling so awful.

Yes, there are times when I feel inadequate, and I do feel guilty a lot of the time, BUT, I don't feel that I don't want dd. That's absolutely not supposed to make you feel bad, or wrong, but to help you try and see that perhaps you need more help. I think you might need to go back and see your gp. Perhaps you haven't got through your pnd quite as fully as you thought, and need more help again.

You also sound very tired. Saying that you need to be with your dd more because you need to love her more makes me think that actually you need a bit more of a break and more support from your parents, rather than less. There is no shame in asking for help.

antwoman, sounds like you're having a bit of a rough day
I have three dc and my youngest is 3 now, but I can assure you that barely a day goes by without me feeling guilty, trapped or inadequate in some way or another. I think the feelings of guilt and inadequacy just come with the job really - and as for feeling trapped, well, the fact of the matter is that you are trapped at the moment. Babies and small children and demanding and depend on you 100% for their needs, it is trapping.
The thing to bear in mind though is that it will pass - it won't be long until you're not needed quite as much and then you won't feel quite so trapped.
I really struggled when mine were smaller and ended up using a nursery part-time from the age of 18 months for the first dc, and the other two started earlier, at around 10 months. It really, really helped me stay sane. It also really helped me to feel happier and a better parent the rest of the time, because having this set time each week to myself took care of those feelings of resentfulness.
I hope you feel happier soon - I know it's hard but time does pass quickly.

i agree with lilltefish, there's nothing like absence to make the heart grow fonder. when you are reunited with her, i'm sure you will feel real affection for her, instead of having to scrutinise your feelings towards her, while you're with her, if that makes sense.

dont feel bad. i took ages to adjust to being a mum. felt a real loss of freedom. i also took a long time to feel really bonded with dd2. nobody will admit to this, but lots of people take a while to bond. xxx

I agree with Littlefish. I too have a 9-month-old DD (as well as a 3-yesr-old DS) and there are some days when I feel down and despondent, but it's usually as a result of sleep deprivation (I'm a different person when I've had a disturbed night). If I'm truthful I can't say that I've ever regretted having my kids but I applaud your honesty...it's not easy to say something like that and I think the mere fact that you've verbalised your feelings is a good sign. My advice is to use your support network (partner, family, maybe your GP) and not to feel guilty about it...I'm sure they'd be more upset if you hid everything away from them. And you've always got someone to talk to on MN too. Take care x

Thanks for all your responses that has helped. I asked my mum if she found parenting hard and she said she did but that we were her life and she has never regreted it. I couldn't tell her how I felt but I really wanted to. I dont think I wanted to worry her. I did speak to a friend though who turns out to feel the same so that helped. We can both be miserable cows together! I want to really enjoy dd though because I can't have anymore pregnancies and don't want to look back and think I missed out through depression. Everyone says it goes really fast and before I know it she'l be at school etc. Anyway it has really helped to hear from all of you thankyou so very much.