Just totally lost it with DCs and feel awful

[ChippaChoc]

So this eve DH is out (sport he does every weekend for a couple of hours) have no problem with this, he definitely does his fair share.

But kids spent a day with him yesterday as I was working, tonight (and to be honest most days...) all I get is 'daddy daddy daddy'. They both adore him. I have no issue with this normally but this eve tea time they were both whining and constantly asking for him whilst I cook a roast dinner for us all. Also generally squabbling and fighting as well. I had just spent an hour helping them colour in etc so I'm not ignoring them.

DC1 is 5.5, DC2 is 3yrs. I lost it., slammed door and told them I was sick of them asking for daddy etc I also told them they need to be more grateful for what mummy does (a bloody lot!) I think I'm a kind / good mum mostly but sometimes (rarely thankfully) I just lose it with them (5yr old more...) and I feel so bad now. We've made up and had a cuddle etc and I've explained to my five year old how it makes me sad to just hear they always want daddy...don't think three yr old understands so much but tried to explain to them too.

Is anyone else in this situation? The less preferred parent (blub). I work prt time but have always been 'main parent' but DH does loads with them. He Is really fun and a very good dad. I just can't help thinking I must be an awful mum for them to consistently ask for him.

"I've explained to my five year old how it makes me sad to just hear they always want daddy.."

Sorry, but I really don't think this was a good idea. Do you want them to start watching themselves and feel guilty if they show appreciation of one parent? Wouldn't it be better to just say "sorry I shouted, I was tired and got cross"?

I've been the preferred parent and the non-preferred parent. Ds went on for a couple of years in his pre-teens painting me as a harridan who bullied and dominated his dad. It doesn't mean anything. I'm still his mum. He still loves me. He still knows I love him. And he knows his dad is perfectly ok.

Yes that's a good point, I just felt bad because I had said I felt under appreciated (or more under liked!) and wanted to explain to her that i feel as if she doesn't want to spend time with me which is upsetting but you're probably right, I don't want to not be able to express herself

Don't worry too much about it though. You said it once, if you don't keep saying it she will forget. Just keep remembering that this preferred/non-preferred parent is a totally normal thing and does not mean they don't love you or won't appreciate you in the end.

Good point, I guess I have a preferred parent but still love the other! I think I was more fed up with the constant whining...been a long day and all but yeah it's normal isn't it. I just hate myself for losing my rag but I guess we all do at times (normally when I'm doing too many things at once!)

. If it is any consolation I would not in a million years attempt cooking a roast dinner with children that age on my own. Not even sure DH would and he is a great cook. .

It was/is very unreasonable that you would unload your emotional baggage on your children. You need to not do that again, it's not fair or right. It is also not their oroblem and nothing they need to solve.

They should not be expected to love/want Daddy less. This is your problem, not there's.

If it's an issue for you, maybe look at why they like time with him. Does he do different sorts of things? I know 3 of my 4 children wouldn't want to sit colouring with Mum. They would prefer to be out walking the dog or playing footy with Dad. So do more of the stuff that they like - be more like the other parent.

Alternatively, learn to love the differences. I'm not "fun mum" - my DH does all the active sporty things with the kids. But I give them the stable life. I make sure they all have healthy meals, clothes washed, forms filmed in for school. They msy not notice that as much, but I know it is just as important (if not moreso) than being the fun, easy-going parent.

As my children get older - it's me they talk to when they fall out with friends. It's Sad they go to when they want to go to the skate park. It's me they come to when they seek some calm, quiet reassuring stability. Dad for the zeal and energy.

The difference between mum and dad mean our children get the best of both worlds.

Thanks Fatedestiny,hard to read but what you say makes a lot of sense! I am definitely the stable one who provides dad to day stuff for them, it's not really surprising that this isn't noticed by a five year old of course! I feel even worse now of course for even mentioning to and definitely won't be again. It's the first time I've ever said anything to them so I do hope she forgets

Everyone has difficult times with their children. It sounds as if you have all made up.

While I agree that telling them off for expressing a preference for one parent is not helpful, I think it does no harm to try to teach them that each parent is working hard for them. So I don't necessarily think pointing out how much you do for them is wrong.

Agree with Rainbow. A gentle reminder of what you do for them does no harm. Or even better, a gentle reminder coming from your dh.

Do you ever think they must spend the time with your DH asking for you?!

I'm sure we've all lost it at times! I agree that saying what you said wasn't ideal, but it's done now and you're aware of it. I have a one and a two year old, work at the weekend and have a husband who's out for sports for a couple of hours on a Sunday too-I know where you're coming from! it sounds like a proper talk with DH is in order. Could he be more vocal about the many things you do for the family (and vice versa), so lots of "thank you for..." "We're lucky to have a mum who..." (Maybe a bit cringeworthy-apologies if so). Could he orchestrate a gesture with your DCs (bake a cake/run a bath etc) to model to them how we treat people we feel grateful to?

Yes DH does remind them at times, I've heard him. It was definitely a case of feeling stressed cooking / relentless moaning that tipped me over! I've spoken to DC1 again and explained that I was being silly and that I said some stupid things, she was surprisingly understanding. We have had a lovely evening and I know I'll never voice it again and agree I could look at more 'fun' things to do with them. One issue is that when I'm with them I usually have both the DCs and DH often takes DD1 alone to do fun stuff. I'll try so organise one to one stuff with her that she finds fun that he normally does with her.

OP, please don't beat yourself up! If you are with them more, and do more of the "heavy lifting" while their Dad gets to swoop in and have fun times:
A- this is not fair
B- of course you will hear about how great he is and whine whine whine
C- you can change this
(And you can ask your DH how often they who've fit you- bet it happens a lot more than you think)

Thanks grubby, yes DC2 asks for me a lot I know...DC1 a lot less but she's really close to her dad which is actually a good thing isn't it! They have lots of similar interests which is lovely.