Can't cope with my 6 year old daughter

[user1488408666]

Hi.
Don't know if I am looking for help or reassurance (dad not mum).
My 6 year Is full of anger and spite.
She keeps spitting at me and I keep over reacting.
I can't bear it and I react so badly and just make a bad situation worse.
She spat at me this morning because she was playing on her tablet. I asked her if she wanted milk with her breakfast and she didn't answer. I took her tablet away and was intending to give it back immediately that I got an answer but she went mental. Screamed and spat at me.

And I regret to say I went ballistic.

I love my kids so much but am struggling to cope with this.

I feel like I should move out sometimes and just pay for them without having to parent as I feel they would be better off if I wasn't around.

My wife does just a good job of parenting but I just can't seem to cope.

A bit of back ground.
Am a police officer. A couple of years ago whilst arresting a women she spat in my face (it went in my eyes) and told me she was HIV +.

Caused a bit of anxiety and was initially put on post exposure prophylactic drugs which made me very ill for a few days before they told me to stop taking it.
Then had to wait for blood tests etc.
Am in no way at all justifying my behaviour or the actions I took. Just explaining why I hate spitting so much.

We have made friends again and have spent the last hour with lots of fun and cuddles but still hate myself at this point in time.

I love my wife and kids so much and do about 40 % of the total parenting as shifts allow me to but I spend a lot of my time thinking I am the worst parent in the world.

Not looking for sympathy. Just hoping that there might be s bit of empathy out there

Spitting at someone is dreadful. Really unacceptable, to be honest. She needs professional help.

Oh for gods sake she doesnt need professional help for a bit of spitting disgusting as it is. She is perhaps relishing the strong reaction it provokes?

My 5 yr old has pinched me hard when i stopped him playing on a tablet very out of character and i think tablet use is probabky bad for them generally as its so additictive

Tablet use is very addictive. Your child is only one of man I know of who overreact to having a tablet removed.

Solution - don;t give her the technology in the first place.

I would also take the tablet away completely. also, the hugging thing when you time out is completely mixed messages - reward plus punishment, just equals attention, which equals good in the mind of a six year old.
she is spitting because she senses how much it winds you up. therefore, work on your reaction to it. ok. so then she will try something else but at least it will be less irritating to you personally
have you heard of love bombing? this might help. at the moment you sound stuck in a cycle of punishments and negativity
dont beat yourself up too much, six year olds can be very annoying!

4 kids here. Slightly older 8-12. Interestingly when we took all the tablets away for 3 months they were much nicer. Noticeably so.

we'll have to agree to disagree, waterrat.
to me, spitting at someone is atrocious.

"I would also take the tablet away completely. also, the hugging thing when you time out is completely mixed messages - reward plus punishment, just equals attention, which equals good in the mind of a six year old."

Ive seen hugging used after the punishment as a "that wasnt nice but it had to be done, and I still love you", doing it before the punishment really starts seems a bit odd to me.

hmm, I would modify your approahc somewhat.

spitting is getting your attention, therefore she needs to be deprived of your attention. (you will need to warn her of the change)

When she spits, she gets one sentence. You have spat at me, that isn't allowed, now go to your room for 15 minutes, walk her to her room in silence, do not repsond to anything she says, and do not hug, etc.

At the end of 15 minutes you can hug/talk respond. You are running out of tpys to take away, but to be honest the only toy I wouldn't remove is the teddy they sleep with. So, the lego box, the doll's house, the tablet, take the lot if necessary.
In fatc I might not return them until there was a spit free day, and they each spit free day gets one toy back (tablet last!)

I agree with pp as well, taking something away without a warning never works, so "dd, you are not listening, this is your warning, next time you will lose..."

Total consistency is the way to go. When I get cross it is usually because I feel liek I don't know what to do, but when you have a plan it is easier to stick to it.

MickeyRooney, while spitting is indeed disgusting, a 6yo might not appreciate how disgusting it is. So such a young child doing it, while clearly unacceptable, might not actually spell "serious problem that needs a doctor". It could just mean "problem that the parents can deal with".

In our case the problem was biting. Yes, it was bad. But it was not bad= seriously disturbed in the way it would have been if a 16yo had been doing it. And it was not something we couldn't deal with. It took time, but we did deal with it.

I don't agree with you, so we should just leave it at that.

I'm coming at it from the pov of someone who has spent years supporting child (different issue) through CAHMS and my take on it is:

the doctor won't have a magic pill that will cure the child: even if s/he is able to organise a referral, the actual work will still have to be carried out by the parent with (at best) advice from a psychologist

doctors are not parenting gurus and even CAHMS are not always very good with behavioural issues

with current cuts to the NHS CAHMS referrals have a very long waiting list, unless the child is an actual suicide risk

Can I just say that I think all the suggestions of referral to the GP were also based on the fact that the school has said they have concerns, so this isn't just about the spitting.

Fair enough, and it may well come to it. I have nothing against the idea as such.

Just that there is no magic solution and most of the work will still have to be done at home on the lines suggested by pp.

Ds discovered spitting at about the same age, also discovered it got an instant reaction out of me.

I seem to remember starting pocket money at that age and docking pennies for bad behaviour- worked a treat.

Just a quick update if anyone is interested.

Since the last post things have improved a lot.
The kids seem to be getting on and my eldest daughter and I are getting on much better.

There has been a couple of minor spitting incidents and instead of going mental I have taken her gently by the hand and lead her to her room and told her firmly "you are not welcome downstairs if you spit. I will come and get you in 5 minutes". I have then taken a favourite toy away for 24 hours.
There was one incident where she properly bobbed at her sister and I dealt with it in the same calm way.

I have felt myself beginning to boil and lose my shit a few times but have managed to catch it and stop it.

Eldest daughter's behaviour at school has improved dramatically and she is really loving and caring again.

Things really are so much happier when we aren't at each other's throats!

I will feel eternally guilty for going batshit crazy like I did though.

Guilty is a wasted emotion, glad things have improved 😊