Help, new baby and grieving husband

[Loobiloo17]

This is my first post, so please forgive any mistakes (I'm not even sure I am posting in the right place...)

My husband and I have just had our first DC, a beautiful and, I think, fairly easy baby girl. She sleeps and feeds well but can be a bit of a crier, especially between 5-7 in the evenings, but that is pretty standard I think?

Unfortunately my husband's mother died a few weeks ago, his father died a few years before. Both were unexpected deaths and he was extremely close to them. He is absolutely devastated.

My worry is that the initial bond that he had with our dd seems to be weakening. He plays with her much less (understandably) but also hands her back unless she is very cheery and certainly at the first sign of tears. He is lovely with her but much less involved than he was when she was first born. I don't know if this is a completely natural thing given his deep grief, or if there is anything I should be doing to help him with her.

My approach has been to shield him as much as possible and so I do 90% of the baby wrangling. I am happy to do it, but I wonder if I am making the situation worse and I should try and involve him more.

Do any MNs have any advice? My parents are both living so I am painfully aware that I can't relate to how he is feeling and the depth of his suffering. I just want to help - but I don't know what to do for the best.

I hope this makes sense (I'm pretty exhausted!)

Hello my love.
Not quite the same thing but I lost my parents within 6 months of one another and at the time dd was a toddler.
I was always the main caring role of the whole family but i had no patience with the kids for a while.
They were just too much when I just felt so numb and distant.
I believe if dd had been a baby I would have struggled to care for her the same as usual.
Your dh handing baby back sounds typical of grief, it's all consuming and he may be feeling guilty he can't be like he was before.
The day will come when he is able to "pull himself together" for want of a better expression.
It's early days, just let him be who he wants to be for a while, he'll come round.
The important thing is he has an initial bond with your baby, it's so awful to be grieving at this time.
You sound so loving and caring, and when you need him most, it must be hard for you both.
He's lucky to have you, just be there for him and let him talk, or be quiet, basically let him lead the way.
Congratulations on your baby girl.

Forgot to add, please lean on your family at this time if it's possible and please accept help from anyone you trust.

I lost my mother when my son was ten weeks old, and although in many ways my baby was a huge source of comfort to me, I also found it harder to cope with the times when he cried a lot (as babies do). I think that's partly simply because grief weakens you, and also because I constantly thought about how much I wished I could ask my mum for advice, or just talk to her about the times I was finding it hard.

Everyone experiences grief differently, but if your husband feels anything like how I did then I expect he needs to be cushioned from the less easy bits of parenthood for the moment, and given as much opportunity as he wants to enjoy the happy times with his baby. That's likely to be tough on you as well as him, but hopefully things will change with time - and in the meantime, do use any support you can, for both of you.

I would also say that I think my son was the main reason I didn't fall apart completely after my mother's death (as well as my supportive husband and family) - he gave me such a strong sense of purpose. Hopefully your husband will be able to find similar comfort in your little one.

Hi both,

Thanks so much for posting a response. It is really helpful to understand it from the point of view of someone who has been through something similar. It is massively reassuring to think that he's not stopped loving our DD, just is intermittently overwhelmed and more fragile than usual.

gillybeanz, I cannot imagine what losing both parents within 6 months, I am so so sorry. It's definitely true that the baby is very full on esp as she is our first and its such a shock to our lives. Poor DH, its hard enough having newborn without this disaster. I've been keeping family away a little as I wanted to give DH space, but I think we do need some help.

yellowroses, so your experience is very close to my DH (our DD was 8 weeks when DH mum died). A lot of people have suggested to my DH that our DD should be a huge comfort. What he says is that she is, but it is also hugely more painful to have her but not his mum when we should all be together. I can see that.

Hi both,

Thanks so much for posting a response. It is really helpful to understand it from the point of view of someone wh
o has been through something similar. It is massively reassuring to think that he's not stopped loving our DD, just is intermittently overwhelmed and more fragile than usual.

gillybeanz, I cannot imagine what losing both parents within 6 months, I am so so sorry. It's definitely true that the baby is very full on esp as she is our first and its such a shock to our lives. Poor DH, its hard enough having newborn without this disaster. I've been keeping family away a little as I wanted to give DH space, but I think we do need some help.

yellowroses, so your experience is very close to my DH (our DD was 8 weeks when DH mum died). A lot of people have suggested to my DH that our DD should be a huge comfort. What he says is that she is, but it is also hugely more painful to have her but not his mum when we should all be together. I can see that.

I was thinking about you today, it must be so hard with a baby, at least older kids can get on with things for a while.
Yes, please do let your family help, maybe explain to dh that if it overwhelms him you understand if he wants to go off somewhere on his own, or hide away upstairs for a bit.
You stand more chance of supporting dh if you are rested having had a break and help from your family.
Try to remember that there is no right or wrong where grief is concerned and everybody handles it in a different way.
Be kind to yourself whilst you miss your dh support, nobody will expect you to have a beautiful perfect home.

Of course your DH needs lots of compassion and support - what a very difficult time for him. But don't forget to look after yourself OP! Having your first baby is also not easy, and you sound so lovely that I'm worried about you being too kind and respectful of your DH's grief, to the detriment of your own mental health. If you really need help at any point, make sure you ask him for it. If you're doing 90% of the baby care you must be exhausted.

Thanks both, this is the first time I've been able to post as it has been so full on. Seems that DH is on a roller coaster. He seems to swing between feeling ok and feeling horrific. He has relaxed a bit about the baby which is good, and is going to try having her for an hour tomorrow, without me, which will be amazing if we can make it work. I think the problem with being in the midst of a bad time is that you can't see how it will ever get better.