Very best tips for managing three year olds

[Highlove]

I'd really welcome any ideas about what really worked for you. DD is 3.2, has always been quite 'spirited' and is really pushing us way beyond our limits at the moment. Tantrums, totally unreasonable demands, defiance and not doing stuff that needs doing, getting silly and hyper and being much too rough with her baby sister. (Who BTW is nine months, so not a very recent life change.) All pretty standard stuff I know but exhausting all the same. We try not to get cross or shout but we've both lost our rag with her on occasion.

So what worked for you/kept you sane? I've got "how to talk..." Not finished it yet. It has helped head off the odd tantrum but actually I've got some reservations about being too empathetic - it's right sometimes but actually it sometimes seems to infuriate her more and drag out tantrums.

So. Practical tips please. And tell me it will end soon...I miss my lovely little girl and I'd like her back! I feel like we're doing a pretty shitty job of handling this stage.

sounds like she's testing boundaries at the moment. I always think 'what would Supernanny say?' She'd probably encourage you to stick at it and stay consistent in the hard moments! Hold it together with your 'firm face' in front of dd and go to another room if you need to cry/bang head against wall

Surely just totally ignoring it/them is sometimes the right answer? Is it really that bad to just ignore it? I've read such mixed stuff about this that I've lost my way a bit.

YY to testing boundaries. And my sanity and patience.

A shameless bump - I'm sure some more wise MNers have tips.

We find Janet Lansbury's techniques useful

I have a 3 year old DD too, also testing boundaries! I praise as much as possible, every time she's not badly behaving, and ignore the bad behaviour as much as possible. It seems to be working.

I found Playful parenting a much more helpful book than How to talk - it's not really a parenting guide but has made me parent in a much more relaxed and playful style (so rather than nagging the dc to put their shoes on, ending up with me finally shouting at then and resultant tantrum I now turn it into a game)

I've also learnt to pick my battles. Some things i let slide resulting in trips out with strangely dressed dc but there are a few things i have absolutely rigid rules about such as never letting them cross the road without holding my hand, sitting down at the dinner table, no physical violence (no hitting, biting, etc)

Ok - so how to tackle violent behaviour?

The time out step worked for us with our 3 year old. And we have had aggressive behaviour with him towards our DD too (8 months), I think he was just testing to see what reaction he got from her. Telling him it wasn't nice and making him apologise seemed to work.

We use a slightly watered down version of the naughty seat in that he gets put there for misbehaviour but can come back as soon as he is ready to say sorry rather than a set time period.
Tantrums are usually resolved by distraction.

Take her out as much as possible. Garden if you have one. Go to parks, woods etc where she can run off energy.
Find props that can help her enjoy time outside like magnifying glass for bug exploring, basket for collecting daisies etc.

Yes to playful parenting and also to connected parenting. Check out the ahaparenting site.

IT can be hard. Ive had mad shouty times but it's all a lot better now she's 4.