Irritation and defensiveness

[YouNaughtyMonster]

I need some helpful advice. I'm a 35-year-husband and father who was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome a long time ago, I've been married for ten years and we've got a three year old boy.

I keep repeating this situation where I frequently and unwittingly irritate or offend people (usually my wife), and they react with frustration (and eventually anger), then I feel affronted and attacked out of nowhere, and become defensive and argue back. Thus failing to understand what I've done wrong and so never improving, just infuriating the people closest to me.

I've read about mind blindness in autism. I feel very blind sometimes because I don't realise what people are thinking, and I fail to predict how they'll react so I'm constantly putting my foot in it. But with a lifelong habit of upsetting people by accident, I've become overly sensitive to it. If I discover I've made a mistake yet again, I feel shocked and my emotions shut down, I'm told I become very "cold". I always say "but that's not what I intended", but this doesn't achieve much, I've still hurt them. I can't respond with anything except anger and frustration myself. How do I break through those defensive feelings and tap into my empathy and loving nature?

I've ended up feeling very sorry for myself, and have incorporated this victim mentality into my personality. I don't want to be like this and I don't want my son to learn this trait. How do people accept and come to terms with their never-ending stupid mistakes without generally feeling like a failure as a person and having low self-esteem?

Hi there, it's a tough place that you find yourself in just now and I can understand your frustration.

I am married to somebody on the spectrum and it took a few years for us to discover that but now that we have I have made it a priority to find out as much about it as possible so that our relationship can survive. By learning about AS I have a better understanding of where DH is coming from and that he's not intentionally trying to upset or offend people. If he says something inappropriate I will let him know, without turning it into an argument. Likewise DH has started working with a psychologist who specialises in Autism and who will help him develop his communication skills, emotional intelligence and his understanding of social situations.

In short, it's taken effort on both our parts to accommodate his disability so that he can learn and be where he wants to be and that I ensure he has the space and support from me to enable him to make that progress within our home and family unit.

If you contact the National Autistic Society they will put you in touch with your local branch. They will have an email forum and local support groups for adults so that may be a first step towards getting support for you and your family.

It can be very difficult as a neurotypical person to learn to accept that your partner is different in a way that causes communication problems - to the extent that some relationships break down - but there is support out there which can help you both through.

Good luck.