Feeling `regret/loss' for younger years?

[missmaryp]

Am I the only one who has a regular feeling of regret (can't think of a better adjective, but not sure that's 100% accurate) for not appreciating the younger years of your child's life?

My DD is 11, starting secondary school in Sep, and my husband and I have been trying for a baby for the last few years unsuccessfully, so I'm aware the feelings I have may very much be all a part of that too!

When I properly interrogate the last 11 years, or if I were to ask my friends and family, I can see that I have spent lots of time, love and energy bringing up my daughter. We laugh together, she's a happy kid.

So why do I feel so very guilty that I haven't made the most of the 11 years and feel a sense of loss that those younger childhood years are gone and I should have been so much more 'present' than I was? Is this why mindfulness is all the rage?! Is this just the pressure of modern life, the guilt is a symptom of being able to find the 'right' balance between working, studying, having a social life i.e. being me not just a mum, and being a loving, present, dedicated mum?

I'm wondering if I need to find us a hobby to do together? We don't really spend quality time together because I'm so busy and she'd rather watch TV/read a book/draw than leave the house! I think bloody facebook memories are reflecting back a rosy ideal of what life was like when she was younger and that's contributing to my feelings now maybe too.

Not sure what I'm looking for here - perhaps just hearing I'm not the only one struggling with a feeling of loss over the younger childhood years, and maybe some strategies to make sure I'm not feeling the same about her teenage years in the future?!

you are definitely not the only one! I'm so glad you posted as I've been struggling with this and my DS is far younger than yours!

I couldn't/can't express properly what the feeling is.. but recognise it in your post,

My sons early years were fraught.. Illness (him) illness (relative) and him being a high needs child meant that when I look back on photos of him I feel a lot of sadness as I don't remember a lot.... or I see in the photos what I should have appreciated more at the time, but didn't.

It's not a pleasant feeling and I don't know what the answer is!

I think this is quite normal. I recognise these feelings and tell myself to enjoy them more now while they still young (3 and 5). I see how they grow fast and as I'm enjoying every year, I do wish I had a little copy of them each year to revisit and snuggle.

Just don't listen to 'Slipping through my fingers' from Mama Mia then!

My DD is 17. When I see people walking holding the hand of a little girl skipping at their side ......

I think the last year of primary school is emotional too-for parents. I found it emotional anyway-and it surprised me. Just to warn you, I also found the start of year 7 very emotional too!

It's the end of an era. But, I'm loving my older child-he's so interesting, great to have around, funny, good company, he can talk about stuff that wows me. The point is, that you still have stuff to look forward to, all is not lost with the younger years. You still need to be present for the coming years and they can give you just as much joy-it's just different.

for you. You've got lots of lovely memories to come.

DD is only small still, but I have felt like that about the early days. I feel I didn't make the most of mat leave and having a newborn due to being too tired etc. (Although in reality I did lots and had lots of cuddles). I sometimes think 'next time I will...' although I don't suppose it will be any different if we do have another. I sometimes feel I haven't 'finished' doing baby things etc, so that must be hard if you would like another one.