Is 'friend' a predator?

[isheapredator]

Someone in our social circle makes me uncomfortable around my preschool aged children. I've raised my concerns with my spouse who can see some of my points but doesn't think my concerns are as serious as I do. They have no children of their own however most of our social circle do.

These are the things they do that set off alarm bells for me

• very friendly with all of the children picks them up etc seems over friendly to me
• gives the children sweets etc without asking parents first
• bought a puppy and takes it over to children to pet
• invites children into house and for a sleepover
• it feels like they try to get time alone with my children, offering to take them to the toilet etc

I know they don't sound like big things but they are not the way other non family members behave in my experience. We socialise a lot as part of a bigger group so they are a familiar face to my children and I am finding it harder and harder to interrupt any time they try to get alone with my children, even seemingly innocent things such as "come over here and help me get the dog lead" to go into the house for a minute makes me paranoid now.

I don't know what to do, I can't go into detail but it would be almost impossible to cut them out of our lives but it just doesn't sit right with me. Does anyone know anywhere I can go anonymously to give more detailed explanations and get some answers?

I wouldn't let my DC go to a sleepover or to the toilet or be in a situation with someone I didn't know very well or didn't like.
A couple of my good friends had children quite young (or a good ten years or more before I did). Their DC called me auntie x at their mums insistence/request. These friends would ask me to babysit from time to time at their house, I would go to their first couple of birthdays and I would sometimes take them into town and when slightly older I took them to the park and cinema etc. It was lovely for me as I enjoyed spending time with them, it was nice for their mums as they got some time off and nice for the children as it was special one on one time totally focused on them so they felt special. I would hate for anyone to have thought ill of me and my intentions were totally honourable. It was the mums who encouraged the relationship and I am god mother to one of them.
But do trust your instincts here whether you take formal action or just prevent opportunities at the person your unsure of's request. If they are genuine they won't take offence if you kindly decline an offer of them taking your DC to the loo or whatever. If it's not genuine it may mean more to them.

The sleepover requests and volunteering to take the children to the bathroom are weird.

The other things wouldn't bother me.

Just keep your children close and watch out for any other warning signs. It could all be totally innocent.

What do you mean "offers sleepovers" ?

Whether this person is male or female OP, is irrelevant, listen to your inner voice shouting at you.
I assume it may be a woman. I think you really have to say something, maybe as suggested, that you are uncomfortable with your children out of sight, or being picked up. You need to hold their gaze and be very direct, no need for endearment.
Your children as you already know, are the most precious thing in the world. Do it, make your case known.
If anyone else doesn't like it, the problem is theirs.
If you feel this way, you may be surprised who else does, as it isn't something we are comfortable facing. Not a pleasant situation.

Yes, these are warning signs. www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned_about_another_adults_behaviour.htm

I would avoid contact between your children and this person, even if there are other adults around.

For many years DH and I had a friend who wanted to be married with kids, but wasn't yet (he is now, and hugely happy about it). He would buy DD gifts & sit on the floor playing with her.

BUT - he was never 'over invested'. If DD needed the toilet, he would maybe shout out "she's going to the toilet, does one of you need to supervise" or if DH suggested going to the pub, he would stop playing to go with DH. There was never a sense that he was too close to DD. He clearly loves kids, is that favorite uncle who messes around and rolls on the floor playing games, but it has never felt like he was trying too hard, or getting 'in with the kids'. He's just as likely to spend time with the adults and never tried to get kids on their own with him.

Which is quite a contrast to what you've described.

I take my friends kids to the toilet, would offer them sweets and I have a puppy. The only box I don't tick on your list is the sleepovers cos the kids are I think too young, but it's quite possible that will change in the next couple of years and I'll do that to give parents an occasional night off or weekend away (as well as giving the kids a fun 'weekend away' adventure)

Guess that puts me firmly in the predator box then

You can't be too careful when it comes to your children.

The first three and a half points I was just thinking "sounds maybe like someone who wants to join in and be friendly with the adults and the kids, but doesn't understand the usual protocols", but from that point I was like "erm, no"

If that's what you are thinking then you will be very aware around this person and keep a close eye on your kids. And that sounds very sensible.

I have small kids. I'd never invite a child for a sleepover or into my house to play, I'd discuss it with the parents out of earshot of the kids (and to be honest I'd probably only do a sleepover to help someone out - so I've had someone's 18mo overnight when they were giving birth to her sibling but that's the only sleepover I've had!) And again, I'd offer to take someone's kid to the loo if the kid was saying they were bursting and the parent was caught up with something unputdownable (like feeding a newborn), or if I was on my own with my 3 young kids out with another mum and her 2 or more kids and one child from each family needed the loo (so one grownup was looking after the kids in the loo and one was looking after all the others), but generally I view that as a bit too personal and don't offer toilet trips or nappy changing services.

I just read the Tricky People article Linked in the first post and it seems like this person has a lot of these suspicious behaviours. Keep your child close when they are around and do not let your child be alone.

VETERINARI, the only reason I personally replied to the OPs thread, was because of her feelings of creepiness. You sound like a great friend, and I bet the kids love you.

I agree with pp saying 'keep a close eye on your children' when in the company of this person, but surely there's a wider issue here. If this person IS a predator, it isn't just the OP's children who are at risk. Keeping an eye on your own children without doing anything else to protect other children is not enough. What do other parents & children in the group think?

IMO this person needs to know that aspects of their behaviour are odd, suspicious and make you feel uncomfortable.

Same as above - first two points I'm thinking "this poster is being a a bit sensitive"... dog fine... maybe using dog to speak more to kids specifically is a why question for me... last two points are a hell no

whether male or female...don't let your child unsupervised with this person.

If any other adult - other than me, DH, or maybe my DM or DSis, offered to take my child to the toilet, I would be very

Likewise with sleepovers! They would only be going to sleepovers with people I trusted, who had dc who were friends with my dc.

I really like that Tricky People blog - it's spot on.

Depending on the age of your children I think I would be trying to think of a way to put a rule in place with the DC that they're not allowed to go off alone with this person. Obviously you don't want to scare them but, if they know they're not allowed, it will make it easier to ensure situations where they're alone with this person don't arise.

Your gut feeling could be right or it could be wrong but it's not a risk worth taking where your kids are concerned. On the other hand this person could be entirely innocent so I don't think you can chuck any accusations around, I would just be vigilant and put boundaries in place so your DC are protected.

Thanks for link Random. Just had a read of it and discussed it with my DC.

Thanks for your replies, I have read them all.

Some of the others in the social circle have expressed concerns about the smaller things just being unreasonable e.g. giving other peoples children sweets without checking with parents but nobody has said what I think.

I can't openly discuss with others as I could be condemning an innocent person desperate for a child however I am making sure that I keep an eye on their kids when this person is around too.

I know some of the points seem a bit extreme however I think the little things add up so I thought it was worth including them to see how it is building over time.

Outside of my fears, this person is very lovely, helpful to our family and others so I really hope they are just a nice person and I am a horrible one however I am not going to expose my children to the risk and will just keep observing behaviour for now.

I don't know if it's possible, but could you have a chat with the person about how much they do? Try not to make it "you do too much and it looks weird/predatory" but more "you really love kids, don't you?" I'm wondering if you can then get a feel for how they react, whether this would help to either put your concerns aside or confirm them. It may not work, or could be too hard to have as a casual/natural conversation, but sometimes it's possible to find out things just by having a casual chat. People can reveal more than they realize this way (like - I'm desperate for kids and just want as much time with them as possible, OR - that you get an uneasy vibe about it). Also, if there is something wrong about this, then knowing that people have noticed their behaviour might put them off a bit.

No! They all seem nice! Please please don't leave it! My abuser seemed nice, that's how he got away with it. Please ring NSPCC.

Trust your instincts. Always. Them being lonely is not your problem to solve. The risk is too great. Do not start doubting your gut feelings.

Some parents don't seem to care.

DH took DD (age 4) into the mens toilet at a party over the weekend and some little girl the same age followed him in needing it because her mam had fucked off to the shop.

He was horrified, we don't know the mam or the girl that well and the party was in a pub, he could of been bloody anyone. For relevance he's DD's stepdad not bio and won't even bath DD as he doesn't think it's appropriate.

I'd go with your instincts, we have always used the underwear guidelines and drummed into her she doesn't keep secrets from us. It works she told DH about his bday card as I used the term secret absentmindedly.

Might be an idea just to go over that stuff with your DC OP.

It sounds very suspicious to me. I would feel the same as you. Don't leave your children alone with this person as you've suggested.
Do you have actual reason to believe they've abused a child? Or do you just think it's suspicious behaviour?

I had a friend whose uncle used to ask me over for sleepovers - without my friend.
There is no reason why a fully grown. Person would invite someone else's kids over without their parents unless 1) they are like family and have babysat/had holidays with them etc 2) the adult has learning difficulties and acts like a child.

I often wonder if that friend was abused by her uncle as she knew a lot about sex at 10 and did some stuff to me.

Always trust your instincts when it comes to your kids.

Better to offend the innocent, than to not take your own gut instincts into account.

IRT what to do. Cut down contact as much as possible and never leave them alone with DC.