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Parenting

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Original poster

Talk to me about age gaps... planning a second and need honest opinions!

43 replies

WhyTheHeckMe · 09/05/2017 22:09

Ds is 16 months. Was conceived naturally despite being told I had zero chance of natural conception due to lack of periods. Anyway since I stopped breastfeeding I have had periods again monthly!
We want a second baby and know there will never be a good time as there are always things in the pipeline (I'm 30 later this year etc). I'm so conscious of the fact I may not catch naturally so want to try now however if I catch now there would be a 2yr 1mo age gap which slightly worries me.

Can I have your honest experiences (positive and negative) about age gaps? I know it ultimately won't make a difference but I just want to know about the things we won't have thought of! Thanks :-)

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katkitkat · 10/05/2017 14:29

I will have a 3 and a had year age gap and it will work perfectly, as the oldest will start school nursery half days shortly after the baby is born.
Will be able to have 1-1 time with the baby but the oldest will still be there half the time so hopefully won't feel left out.
It was exactly how I wanted it, not quite sure how it managed to happen so perfectly tbh!

Enidblyton1 · 10/05/2017 14:32

There are pros and cons of each age gap. Less than 2 years is very hard work to begin with. I had nearly 3 years between mine and that has been good so far, though my eldest was not potty trained before the second one arrived (much to my frustration at the time!). I know plenty of people with a 4-6 year gap and that can be a lot easier to begin with (especially if eldest is already at school when baby arrives), but the cons are that they are less likely to play together and you are stuck in the 'baby years' for longer. But another positive is that they are less likely to be hyper competitive with each other. Close in age siblings who don't get on well can be a nightmare to handle.
So, no right answer. Most people I know have a gap of between 2-3 years between children.

CPtart · 10/05/2017 14:39

2.5 years here, absolutely perfect after the first year! Not too close to have constant comparison (particularly as they get older/academically) but close enough so that the most precious of family times such as holidays, days out, free time is made easier by being able to please both DC with activities. Now teen and pre teen, they have so much in common, not guaranteed I know, but more likely.

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BasinHaircut · 10/05/2017 14:48

I think a smaller gap is ideal for all of the reasons people say above, but I know for sure that I wouldn't have been able to handle 2 pre-school kids together so we have waited almost 4 years to TTC DC2

Radishal · 10/05/2017 14:50

7 years between me and my closest sibling. For my mum, at the time it was "starting it all again " with me.
Growing up , my world wasn't really there's but that was no big deal to me. I had my own friends.
Now , meh, sort of blurred into the same age.

ElleDubloo · 10/05/2017 15:16

I have a 28 month old and a 2 month old. It's actually fine. Some days are exhausting, when they're both crying at the same time, and the toddler's poo'd on the floor, etc. When they're both happy then we have a lovely time together.

My friend who had the same age gap (two girls now in primary school) said that her second maternity leave was "the worst year of her life". It depends very much on your children, and I think I've been lucky so far.

Looking forward to when they're both older and can play with each other!

Original poster

WhyTheHeckMe · 10/05/2017 21:17

Thanks so much it's been so interesting to read all your experiences. So many things I'd not considered too
Like you say though there's no guarantee I'll catch straight away so we're going to try as of now regardless and see what happens. I hope I'm not still trying in years to come although I know it's possible!
I'm very lucky as ds is an absolute delight. A sweet natured, well behaved very independent boy who goes to bed at 7.30pm with no tears or fight ever and sleeps 11 hours solid minimum. Goes to nursery 4 days a week while we work and loves it. Everyone tells me "you never get 2 the same".
So I'm guessing next time could be a lot more testing!
Thanks again

OP posts:

stopmoaningpip · 11/05/2017 07:19

I am 25 weeks pregnant and have a 3 year old. The main issue is that he has some horrendous tantrums, and I'm physically struggling to lift him/carry him (doesn't help that he's really tall for his age). This makes it a bit hard to manage if he refuses to go in the car seat or go up the stairs to bed. So from that point of view a smaller age gap would have been easier.
However I didn't want to have number 2 until number 1 got his 15 hours nursery funding as we don't have family around and I thought it would be really helpful to have number 1 out at preschool at least some of the time rather than being in sole charge of both of them 5 days a week.
However if you can afford to pay for some childcare for the first one then that isn't so much of a consideration.
But ultimately you can't always plan it - apart from waiting the minimum time so that the first would have his funding, I didn't try to plan it because our first took several years to come along. Funnily enough, the second happened straight away so you never know.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/05/2017 07:26

I think it would be sensible to start trying now. Unlikely you'll get pregnant immediately. If you do then it's not a tiny age gap anyway.

Good luck!

picklemepopcorn · 11/05/2017 08:10

It depends on your later plans re work etc. I had mine four years apart because I'm bad at being pregnant (sick, depressed) and DS1 was 'challenging'. I'd never have managed a pregnancy with him younger. As it was I got an afternoon nap while he was at nursery etc.

BusyBee2017 · 11/05/2017 10:23

Stopmoaningpip have you watched supernanny? There was one episode aimed at toddlers who wanted to be picked up and every program deals with tantrums

They currently have a supernanny US on channel W on sky - same concepts but different country

foundaspottysock · 11/05/2017 10:31

We have a 3 year gap, it was great when they were young as dd was in pre school and independent ish for her age (toilet trained, would happily sit and play)

Now they are older it is difficult, there is a lot of bickering! But I have one of each and they like very different things. They don't really have any shared friends or interests, they always want to do entirely different things and clubs. Even choosing a film to see at the cinema or a programme on tv is problematic these days and usually has a 30 min squabble before anything is decided on.

foundaspottysock · 11/05/2017 10:35

CPTart do you have two of the same sex? Or are they just similar? I find school holidays quite trying these days. He wants to go to the skate park, she wants to go swimming. He wants to go on a bike ride, she wants to go shopping. He wants to watch Marvel, she wants to watch American crap - I could weep!

BusyBee2017 · 11/05/2017 12:53

Oh dear that sounds very tiring having to compromise with kids...

I am hoping having a 20 month old and a 3 month old - both boys so I am hoping they will get on and have the same interests!

We really want a girl so we will see how the next 3/4 years go with two boys first before considering having a third... then that will be it for us

stopmoaningpip · 11/05/2017 15:34

Busybee- I have watched Supernanny (though not for ages - might be worth a revisit) and overall agree with many of her principles and methods - i.e. affectionate but really firm with boundaries etc . (With the obvious caveat that the programmes are edited for viewability so probably not always realistic)
However the problem is not that he wants to be picked up for cuddles etc, but that when he's having a strop eg doesn't want to go in the carseat, and I have to be somewhere and can't spend 2 hours negotiating with him, I really need to just pick him up and put him in there, but it's getting very difficult to actually do that, and I think he knows that.

Also some of Supernanny's methods do involve physically moving the child eg the bedtime strategy of physically taking them back to their bedroom every time they come out of it. Or putting them back on the naughty step every time they get off it.
(Sorry OP for the tangent!).

BusyBee2017 · 11/05/2017 22:03

Yes that's true hopefully After doing it hopefully your DC will listen and it won't be so hard for you .. is your partner not around to help?

BusyBee2017 · 11/05/2017 22:04

DS1 is 20 months and testing the boundaries every now and then so I am going to start implementing some of the supernanny tactics

I think for DS1 it's a communication problem because he still cannot say words for everything so I have lowered his plates bowls and cups to a cupboard where he can reach and tell me what he want food/drink wise ... the rest I am working on lol

Writerwannabe83 · 12/05/2017 13:28

I ideally wanted a 2.5 year age gap but due to still BF'ing DS whilst TTC it didn't work out that way despite having regular periods.

I didn't fall pregnant until I stopped BF'ing which I did after 9-10 failed cycles of TTC.

I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant and DS will get 3.5 years old when DC#2 is born.

I'm sure there will be lots of difficulties but I'm hoping a bigger age gap than what I'd initially planned may bring some benefits too.

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