What's worse/ better?

[RedCrab]

Just looking for reassurance really. Just had DC3 - she's four weeks old. We also have a four year old and a two year old. I'm really overwhelmed and exhausted (as expected) and short on patience with the two older children. I always do solo bedtimes because DH works in the evenings. Lately the two year old has been messing about - asking for more and more things/ crying/ asking for endless cuddles. I'm trying really hard to be compassionate to how she might be feeling, especially as she can't articulate it like the four year old, but I'm struggling.

Last few nights she's been crying for me when I leave the room. I'm firm and say I have to go down stairs now but usually end up going back to her to give her a few reassuring cuddles. But I've also ended up losing my temper with her after a while because it's like there's literally not enough love/cuddles I can give. Plus I think she's playing me a bit.

So to my question - what's worse: once I've done bedtime and given her lots of love, not going back if she cries/ leaving her to cry and call for me until she falls asleep, or go to her knowing there's the likelihood I'll lose my temper eventually and make us all feel like crap

I don't want to shout and she's only two, and I'm working really hard on recognising the triggers and doing what I can to avoid them. But I have a new baby, I'm exhausted and sleep deprived and a lot of the childcare is on me. We didn't do CC or anything like leaving them to cry - my natural instinct is to just reassure/ reassure/ reassure so it's hard for me to not go to her. But on balance it's better to not shout, and make her cry because I'm stressed, right?

I don't have any informed advice but did not want to read and run. My instinct would be that it is better to leave her to settle herself ( perhaps explaining the new routine with a story or pictures?) rather than losing tout temper. Don't beat yourself up though, the fact that you are even asking this question shows what a thoughtful mom you are.

Can you set an alarm clock for half an hours time and tell her you will be back up then for a last kiss. Likely she will be asleep but reassure her the next day that you def delivered the kiss!! Worked with my ds!!

I'm a massive (lazy) sop and just end up reading in between baby and eldest in our bed when it's just me in evenings. Older falls asleep, baby boobs to sleep and then faff around later carrying big to bed etc.

You're doing an amazing job managing bedtimes on your own with 3. I have a 2yo and 5mo and get the babysitter to come for an hour if I'm going to be in my own for bedtime as it's so hard!

4 weeks is still really early days for your 2yo to be coming to terms with a new baby. Our toddler also went through a similar thing but it was pretty short lived. Personally I think in the circumstances I would try and give her the reassurance she's looking for. Is it not obvious from the way she's crying as to whether she genuinely needs you or is just trying it on? With our toddler I do leave her if I can tell from her voice that's she's play acting, or just go in for a quick stroke on the head before telling her it's time to sleep. If she's genuinely upset I'll stay with her for longer.

Yes it's definitely obvious when she's genuinely upset/ distressed/ needs me to stay, and when she's just generally not wanting me to leave. It's so hard because I do think that even when she's just playing up, it's for a reason and she needs me.

But by bedtime I'm so burnt out after a day of managing it all, I need some headspace / physical space away/ on my own. Bedtime is stories and all three of us (me, two year old and four year old) cuddling together in the big bed with the baby in the Moses basket, then into their own beds for tucking in, more cuddling, our "special" cuddles where we talk about how much we love each other and Daddy etc, then I try to leave. I generally return Several times with faffing over books / cuddly toys wanted, water and more "last" cuddles. As in I get to the door and they'll ask for something. Then I finally start to get more firm and say I need to go downstairs now, but generally return a few more times for whatever the two year old wants - and it's at this point that I start to lose my patience. Sometimes she's crying, sometimes she's just yelling for me, sometimes she laughing.

If she wakes in the evening/ through the night, we always go to her as obviously this is completely different to the bedtime messing about.

In that case rather than meeting her demands of water / cuddly toy / random request*, why not just go in, say it's time to sleep, kiss and leave. I would also wait a few minutes before going up.

• My toddler's best bedtime delay tactic was to yell "bogey in the nose" 😂 Had to do my best not to laugh.

Some great suggestions on here already. Agree with getting her a clock and telling her what time you will be back.

I'd try to give her lots of cuddles in the day, like reading whilst feeding baby.

Then put her to bed, if she shouts, go in tell her you'll be back in 20 mins, and when you do go back, just say it's bedtime now, night night and go away again.

My Youngest is a brilliant bedtime delayer. She had a skippy fuo, picture books, cuddly toy light show and music and still shouted numerous times. Good luck

How is she this evening?

I do a combination of Supernanny's 'stay in bed technique' and 'controlled crying'.

Make sure she has everything she needs with her. Say goodnight and leave.

Go back once (if needed), quick cuddle and kiss, 'it's bedtime now sweetheart'. Lay her down, snuggle her in.

Go back a second time (if needed) lay her down and say firmly, 'it's bedtime'.

Any further crying/shouting, go in lay her down and come out without talking to her at all.

Repeat after 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes etc.

It is very time consuming the first night or so and it's really hard seeing them upset BUT it works so quickly and effectively that long term it really is better for everyone.