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Am I overthinking my MIL

12 replies

BringMeTea123 · 09/05/2017 12:54

Hi all,

Sorry if this is in the wrong place and long. My partner and I arnt married but I always thought of his parents like my own. I fell out with my dad and have nothing to do with him. My mum is all the way down south so don't see her much. I get on well with his dad and he's almost like a father to me, however his mum I just can't work out.

When my son was born 6 months ago we were living with them as our house was having a lot of work done. We were happy to do our own house duties but she did our teas and cleaning etc we just did our washing. But I know she had mentioned to a neighbour about what I'm going to do when I have to do all the cleaning and housework myself.
I can cook a meal but the thought of me doing this is hilarious to her, she doesn't think I can cook and keeps buying cookbooks and making jokes. It was funny at first but it's starting to get hurtful that she thinks I can't support my partner and my family now we are in our own house.

The weekend really got to me when we were there I had to change my sons nappy and now he's on solids it's always "interesting" what's in his nappy. We had him on the floor and I said to my partner "that's different look at that" she said "oh what's the matter, you not used to doing a nappy yet?" This really pissed me off!!! I couldn't even answer her. It's the constant snide comments like that, they really get to me now.

I haven't mentioned how much it got to me to my partner as I know he'd say she was only joking. But am I over reacting? There's just been a few things like this that make me feel like a bad mother and I can't take care of her son and our child. I just dread seeing her now.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 09/05/2017 13:20

That would annoy me too. But I don't know what to suggest you do about it, sorry.

All I can think of is for you to ignore her pointedly. And I think you should mention it to your DP not so he can tackle her about it, but maybe back you up or tell her to lay off next time she does it. Perhaps he could say that in his opinion you are a great mum.

But you know that you are a good Mum. That's what matters most.

KroplaBeskidu · 09/05/2017 13:24

and I can't take care of her son

Confused Why on earth would you need to take care of her son? I assume he's a grown man so able to take care of himself.

Jayfee · 09/05/2017 13:28

That sounds par for the course for some mils. I was from the south, dh from the north. so i also had to put up with the views that my northern mil had about southerners. oh and then they were catholic..i was non church going. i would be going to hell when i died!

i used to dread visiting. when i was really fed up with her, i would think of my lovely dh and think,well she made him,so shes not all bad. with hindsight, it might have been a good idea to react to her comments, but i am not sure.
i will read with interest how other mnetters advise you. good luck

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2014newme · 09/05/2017 13:30

You've spent too much time together under her roof.
However, she did give you a home, your cleaning and cooked for you presumably for weeks, months or longer. She was very kind to you so ignore the odd comments

Sylvannas · 09/05/2017 13:30

"No MIL I'm not used to it yet, I'm totally useless with nappies. I guess you'll just have to take over and change the dirty nappies for me. Here are the wipes, I'm off for a fag!"

VictoriaMcdade · 09/05/2017 13:37

First of all, don't worry, and don't doubt yourself.

I think what you are experiencing is the classic struggle when the pecking order of the matriarch gets shaken up.

It is pretty common for mothers of new parents to feel displaced if their DD or DDIL has just given birth. They are no longer 'the Mother' in the family. i.e. the mother who is doing the most hands on day-to-day care of a child. A lot of mothers accept this, and take it in their stride, but some kick against it, and I reckon that's what is happening here.

She is trying to make you seem useless, or at least, not as good as her. She is doing it in a jokey way, but, make no mistake, there is a negative intent behind it, even if she does like you.

It's not really personal - she would probably be like this with anyone her son had a DS with. And the most tragic thing is, is that she is fighting a losing battle. First of all, it does not really matter who 'The Mother' is in the family, and secondly, she can never take your place in you DCs eyes, or in the eyes of your DP who you had the child with.

Basically, she is trying to start a pissing competition that she can't win, and on some level she knows this.

So my advice? Ignore her when she is rude. She will probably get worse before she gets better, and so if your DP is aware, he may pick her up on things. If you tackle her you'll get a tinkly little laugh, and be told not to be so sensitive.

And remember, she is lashing out because she is the one who feels ousted, and is sad to not be in your position.

Good luck.

BringMeTea123 · 09/05/2017 13:51

Thank you. That sounds like you've hit the nail on the head! I know she has a bit of a nasty streak (even her husband said that!) sounds just like what's happening!

I know my partner is a grown man but I like to cook him some tea when he gets home from work and put the washing on as I'm home with DS all day. He works 40+ hours a week. His mum has done everything for him though for the last 24 years! But I don't mind.

She has been very good to us! I moved in when I was 25 weeks pregnant and only moved out a week ago. My son is 6 months old. She knows how appreciative I am. I brought her a card and flowers on Mother's Day as I feel she is like a mother to me, she made the odd comment when we lived there but towards the end and after we moved out it just seems much worse! I thought she liked me.

The day we moved out I've never seen her hug her son so tight. Maybe that has some baring on it too as he is their only son and child

OP posts:
DebiNewberry · 09/05/2017 13:54

Victoria - such a good thoughtful posr

DebiNewberry · 09/05/2017 13:54

Post!

Trb17 · 09/05/2017 15:29

@VictoriaMcdade ... best description of MIL behaviour I've read on here.

ParadiseLaundry · 09/05/2017 15:46

Sorry to jump on the bandwagon but just wanted to say excellent post Victoria.

I'm sure you're right that this is a classic problem with MIL, I can definitely see my own MIL in your description and I actually think it will help me relate to her better. You've won mumsnet today Grin

penguinpurple · 09/05/2017 20:06

Hmm reading your last post maybe she enjoyed having you all there and depending on her - particularly with new first grand child and is feeling a bit lost now. Especially if you and your partner are quite young she might have felt like you couldn't cope alone and liked playing the indispensable matriarch role for the last 7-8 months. Maybe a bit difficult for her to face up to not being as needed as she thought she was.

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