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AIBU to want to defend my feeding choices?

13 replies

HoleySock · 07/05/2017 22:57

I'm on baby number three and have never worried about the feeding wars - breast v bottle. First was combi fed expressed breast milk and formula. Second was exclusively breast fed and third is now exclusively bottle fed.
For me fed is best and always will be.

I'm feeling a lot of judgment this time around because I successfully breast fed my second child it was assumed by family, friends and health professionals that of course number three would also be breastfed. In all honesty that was the plan, but with three kids under four it was impossible to sustain without becoming a terrible sleep deprived and impatient parent to my older two. The experienced parent in me said something has to give and we have all been happier since the change.

I've noticed a lot of raised eyebrows from exclusively breastfeeding moms in my circle and I want to jump in and say "hello! I have three dependant kids at home all day every day needing me for everything!" But I'm not remotely confrontational and don't know whether to just ride it out and be happy in the knowledge that I made the right decision for our family and it's no body else's business.

Is it unreasonable to defend my choice? Or am I potentially still incredibly sleep deprived and have my hackles up and maybe seeing judgement where it doesn't exist? I've never felt it before so maybe I am tired, or defensive. The last thing I want to do is upset people but the judgemental looks are upsetting me too.

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Wolfiefan · 07/05/2017 23:01

I think it's sad that we live in a society where mothers feel attacked for how they feed their babies and as if they need to defend their choices.
First baby I struggled and fought for 4 months to BF.
Second baby was on a bottle in 48 hours.
I don't produce milk. I've had all the judging and felt all the guilt but I don't. I really don't. I did feeding on demand, skin to skin, used a breast pump, drank fucking fennel tea and even took domperidone. I had my latch checked and attended sessions with a specialist. Still my baby starved.
TBH life is too short to spend time with people who judge you. It's up to you if you want to ignore, challenge or avoid.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 07/05/2017 23:05

YANBU -secretly my main reason for BF was because I couldn't be arsed with cleaning and making up bottles and wanted a good excuse to sit around doing very little most of the day (while feeding). I'm pretty sure that isn't a morally 'better' position Grin Do what works for all of you the best based on the information you have and be confident about your choice. My DSD was formula fed nearly 30 years ago and hasn't had a serious illness in her life-and formula now is much better than it was then. Enjoy your baby Smile

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 07/05/2017 23:09

@Slightlyperturbedowlagain YY I BF because I'm lazy too! Grin

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HoleySock · 07/05/2017 23:10

Lol @Slightlyperturbedowlagain in all honesty my only reason for breastfeeding was saving £50 a month on formula.
After two weeks of hell we worked out that we would gladly pay the amount that feeding Baby will cost to never have to experience it again! Not a great moral high ground here ether!

OP posts:
HoleySock · 07/05/2017 23:12

@Wolfiefan it is a sad situation that society makes us feel this way, I've felt judged on both sides of the coin but the bottle feeding judgement hits harder. I'm sorry you had such challenges with feeding. It's a personal hell when you're going through it and people who haven't been there just don't get it.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/05/2017 23:18

That's where my post went. Just posted on the other thread too! Grin
It took a long time for me not to feel guilty. Especially when DS had health issues and I was convinced the inability to BF had caused them.
He's a teen now. How I fed him in those first few months really doesn't cross my mind now. I'm just lucky both my kids are happy and healthy.

HoleySock · 07/05/2017 23:25

@Wolfiefan I saw, thank you! I didn't realise there was an AIBU thread and ended up cross posting. Sorry about that.
When it comes down to it I know it's all about raising happy and healthy kids that become self sufficient and capable adults. Breast or bottle of going to have a lot less impact than an impatient, sleep deprived and frustrated mum in my opinion!

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Whatsername17 · 08/05/2017 08:05

I had lactation failure with dd1 and felt so guilty when I ended up ff. I had people be outright nasty to my face about ff. With dd2 bfing worked and I exclusively fed her for 3 months. I had nothing but support and kindness especially from strangers when bfing in public. Dd2 is now combi fed after I ran into supply issues and she went on a nursing strike. I was prepared to push through it and keep bfing until dd1 asked me to read her a bedtime story and I said I couldn't as I was battling with dd2 to take a feed. Dd1 reluctantly went to bed with her daddy and I heard her say 'it's like I've not got a mummy anymore' as she walked up.the stairs. Sad Combi feeding means both my kids are happy.

ZilphasHatpin · 08/05/2017 08:10

Don't defend it, it isn't a crime. Don't even attempt to. It's literally one of two ways to feed a baby. That's it. Anyone raises an eyebrows or makes a comment you look at them like they've just grown green horns and ask them if they're feeling ok Wink

FruitBadger · 08/05/2017 08:14

So pleased to hear I'm not the only one who credits their time breastfeeding to being too tight to pay for formula and too lazy to make up bottles Blush

Writerwannabe83 · 08/05/2017 08:16

FWIW I breast fed my baby and got sly digs and comments all the time off people. I didn't defend my choice because it felt like people thought I was just being smug if I even dared talk about why I chose it over FF. I was made to feel too scared to talk about and I would just sit abc listen to peoples underhanded comments whilst feel like utter shit inside. It was horrible. It got to the point that if people enquirer about how I fed my baby (why people cared I'm not sure) I was embarrassed to say that I breast fed.

It's ridiculous.

We are judged whatever we do by the people who choose to do the opposite.

Try and let it wash over you OP, you're doing what's best for you and your family and that's what matters Flowers

I'm pregnant with DC2 and I'm hoping this time round I'll be able to follow my own advice and let other people's comments and thoughts go in one ear and out the other Grin

Congratulations on your new baby Flowers

Oddsocksforeveryone · 08/05/2017 08:24

There is judgement. But ime you get judged for everything once you have a baby it's like open season. I breastfeed dc1&2 for 2 years. Dc3 was never that into the boob. She wanted a dummy, first of my dc to do that, then stopped wanting to bf after, I can't remember 6 months or so? So she now has bottles. This one definitely does whatever she wants. Dc4 is due in Oct and he/she will eat whatever he/she wants. Now I've got 3dc and pregnant I'm exhausted and hormonal, I spend most of my time trying not to tell people to wazz off so people can judge all they want I don't care anymore lol.
Congratulations and good luck x

Trinpy · 08/05/2017 08:26

I defended my choice a lot with dc1 (bf - not that it makes any difference, you will get judged whatever you feed your dc!). I gave up in the end because it just wound me up even more. Better to just let it all wash over you and concentrate on your baby. It is very sad though, and I really feel for new mums who aren't feeling as confident yet and are probably getting all this criticism too.

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