Im feeling pretty c**p over this!!!!

[bubblicious]

I have a very bad relationship with my mother, although she only lives 5mins away I hardly ever see her(TBH this actually suits me!)I dont like her, I dont like what she has put me through over the last 38yrs! I dont like the way she forgets our birtdays and christmas's etc. What is really making me feel bad at the moment is that on Friday it was my mothers birthday and I really couldnt send her a card, I didnt phone or contact her, infact I didnt tell anyone it was her birthday! Honestly I feel awful because Im not normally that kind of person and hate people to think bad of me! What really is nagging me is that its going to be mothers day on sunday, and again I really dont want to send her a card, yes she is my mother by birth but especially over the last 10yrs she has put me through hell. Every year I have always gone out of my way to send a card but I find the plainist one around! part of me feels this is what I should be doing but part of me wants to give her a big wake up call and say "well actually mother your'e crap!", Please help me on what decision I should make, I know at the end of the day it will be down to me, but I cant work out why I feel so bad about this! thanks for reading such a long ranting post!

I imagine you feel bad because you think you should be sending her a card, like you said, cos she's your mum. But if you don't like her and don't want to send her one then don't.

But only you can decide.

bubblicious
tell her in the card.

Er, no, don't tell her in the card. It's spiteful and cowardly. If you want to tell her theat then tell her to her face.

Sorry, "it would be..." not "it is... "

I feel like this too with my Mum. dont acknowledge mothers day and feel obliged to get something on xmas and her birthday. Although this year i may not even bother with that.

I think with me, now that im a mum i know what a great mum i am. but she was awful to me, never been close, never been able to trust her, she never had the time of day for me, always had time for my brothes and sisters though etc. Even now i have no respect for her as a person.

i see adverts now for mothers day saying mothers are like diamonds-mine certainly isnt!!

I don't send cards to my father - I have made my peace with the fact that we don't get on and we are not missing out by not being in each other's lives.
I know I won't regret any of my actions towards my father - I think you should follow your heart, but please make sure you can live with yourself afterwards.
It's a cruddy situation for you
big hug

hug

I agree with Band of Mothers - if you don't want to send a card, don't. I wouldn't tell her how you feel in the card. However justified your criticims of her maybe, I don't think it is right to "ambush" her like that.

Amazinwoman, I think you read me very well, my mother also spends time with 1 of my brothers, and the other 1 moved out of the country but Im sure if he was around she would see him more, on the other hand my sister has not only disowned my mother but my father too! The trouble is Im desperates for a loving family, Luckily for me and my girls I idolise them and nothing like my mother!

Sounds to me like you already have a loving family

This is a simple decision to make, if you dont send a card will you be able to live with that decision, if anything happened to her in the future would you beat yourself up over it if no then dont send the card and never send another if you think it will haunt you then go and buy a big whack of cards address them and drop it in the postbox every year at this time with the minimum of thought. You dont deserve to be treated the way you have or to take the resposiblilty for her failings, i hope YOU have a lovely mothers day whatever your decision.

My Dh has had to stop contact with his mother- she's well nown on here, but things like telling our SN eldest he was a freak, telling ds's aged 4 and 5 Grandad hit her (he didnt, Dh was there for the event), trying to cancel our wedding, keeping all DH's and BIL's birthday etc money all their lives 'for their weddings' and blowing it on a boob job (!), phoning DH when he had severe depression and a failed suicide bid (long ago btw) and saying she ahd it worse then him....... womans a nutter.

Anyway, he does still shne dthe cards / gifts to her. Apart from not wanting to give ammunition to her campaign to label him 'evil son' (ie one who dared leave home BIL is 32 and trapped) he doesn't want to not acknowledge that she IS his Mum, albeit not one who was giften in parenthood in any way whatsoever.

FWIW I ahd a terrible relationship with my aprents for years, Mum was a depressive and dad an alkie, they both pulled their acts together, and I am so glad I maintained some relationship now. Don't get me wrong they're both a bit bizarre LOL, but i love them to death now.

its not as simple as you think! honest, I would hate her to think bad of me, after all Im her daughter!(LOL)!!! One part of me just wants to give her a big wake up call and not send her one, on the other hand I dont think she would take it and be a real pain! and be over the top, and use it as ammunition!

bubblicious, there have been a few threads on here in the past about people's relationships with their mums and this irrational fear we seem to have of telling them how we feel or this duty that we have to put up with their behaviour as they are our mothers. I would suggest having a look at these threads as they might give you some inspiration - i'll also try and find one of them!!! Only you know what you truly want to do but make it what you actually want and not what you feel you should do.

mother is an alcoholic and a heavy smoker!

But why dont you want her to think badly of you when she hasnt given you the same respect, and i honestly dont think it is easy just straight forward, could you live with the decision i could and did but thats me you have to do what is right for you and your family

My mum was an alcoholic and i think i know how u feel

here is one of the main links. some of it might be a lot more involved than your situation and ignore the confrontational bits (oh the joy of mn ;0)) but I think there is some really good advice in here from people who have gone through similar thought patterns

link

And there it is! if I send card I will be bloody fuming with myself because I honestly dont think she deserves one! but if I dont send her one then Im being a crap daughter and is that making me as bad as she!

Think I may put one in the post on Friday second class, then on sunday she will think OOOHH then on Monday she will get it, bit of a cowards way out I know, at least I will be able to live with myself!

countto10 thanks, Iwill go through the thread, I too have a very loving MIl, who I adore and we are very close-thank goodness for MILs thats all I can say(althiugh I would much rather it be my real mother- mind you have been with DH now for more than half my life!!!!)once again thanks I really appreciate your help!

That's what MIL does with DH's birthday cards.

When not getting on with my Mum, I used to just send some generic card with a flower or somesuch on it (you now - 49p in wilko type of thing), and then just write 'To Mum from XXXX', and leave it at that. It was a tacit acknowledgement with no emotional expenditure, iyswim

I never send a card - we don't 'do' mothers and fathers day in my family. tbh wouldn't mind if my children didn't send me one in the future. I'd prefer they showed me they cared in other ways than worrying about some day invented by shopkeepers to sell more stuff.
You feel bad because you feel you 'should' send her a card. If she doesn't deserve one, don't send her one. Sounds like you need a sit down conversation as you have a lot brewing behind this.

I don't like my mother either. I get her a blank card for b'day and mother's day and just sign it very plainly. There's part of me too that would love to tell her all about how she practically ruined me as I was growing up, but now I think, what's the point. I'm nearly 30, she's not parenting me any more and (lucky for me) she lives 450 miles away, and I only see her once a yr, at most. We have a pleasant relationship over the phone. Nothing's going to be achieved by telling her anything; the best I could do is get counselling for myself (which I would, if I could afford it). Other than that I just try to be nice because I feel it's good for my own personality/karma.