5 year old DD witnessed a violent attack today

[Doradolittle]

My DM was bringing my DD home from school when they came across a man being attacked by 3 others. By the time DM had got hold of DD to get her to move away, the punches had turned to kicks in the head, a wooden plank being used as a weapon - DD saw it all and was visibly cowed. It looked like he was actually dead, so bad were his injuries.
When they got home she said she didn't want to talk about it at all and so we left it. Tried to talk to her at bedtime and told her that she didn't have to talk about it, but that she could tell me about how she was feeling - she said 'all twisty and weird inside' and got quite upset. I guess my question is, what should I do for the best? I managed to calm her down at bedtime by getting her to tell me a story but I'm wondering whether I should continue to try to get her to talk about it, or to just leave and hope she brings it up when she's ready?

I would probably wait and see if she raises it again. Look for any signs in her play/drawings etc. that she is thinking about/working through it. She might find that an easier way to deal with it rather than talking about it. I would have a quiet word with school as well in case she is upset/wants to talk about it tomorrow.

I would constantly remind her that she can talk to you about anything, but not specifically in relation to this....just make it a general thing.

If she does talk about it make sure you acknowledge her feelings. It's tempting to want to distract or tell them not to worry etc. and you can do that, but you should also say 'yes, it is scary isn't it?' or 'that would make me feel all twisty inside too'.

Do you know what the outcome of the attack was - did the man die. Did anyone help, were the men arrested?

I would maybe tell her (even if it's not true) that the men were arrested and will go to jail, she may be feeling scared they are going to come after her too

How terrible, your poor dd. Did your DM call the police, once she was in a safe place? I ask not just out of concern for the victim, but because I wonder if it would help your dd to think that there is something adults can do that is helpful in these situations?

God that's terrible. Poor man and poor DD.

I'd actually seek counselling - ask your GP if they can refer? You don't have to take her to the initial appointment.

And yes let her teacher know just in case.

This may help. www.wales.nhs.uk/sitesplus/documents/866/Trauma%20in%20Children.pdf

thanks so much everyone. She seemed okay this morning - I asked how she was feeling and she said the 'twisty' feeling had gone away a bit. She still doesn't want to tell me what actually happened and she didn't want me to tell her teacher about it at all. It confuses me a bit because its almost like she's ashamed of it...

DM had called the police after they got home - he didn't die apparently, thank goodness.
School knows and they said they'll keep an eye on her.
Anyway, thank you again for taking time to advise.

Hi. It's actually really important that you do talk about it a lot - please don't just leave it. Research into trauma in children and ptsd generally shows thst you need to reduce the trauma around the memory by talking abiut it as much as possible. You can get her to talk it through by asking for her scariest feeling about it and then leading onto positive thoughts - my friend is a trauma counsellor and I know this from her work. She is on mumsnet so if you like I'll ask her to come over here and comment.

She doesn't want to talk about it because she is feeling traumatised so it's very important you don't let thst turn into a buried traumatic memory. The advice is to talk constantly to the point of it becoming boring. Obviously she is a child so you need to guide her on this.

Ah okay - I did talk to her about it tonight but wondered if I was doing right thing bringing it up again. I'll keep on at it ... Thank you.
How do I lead from 'scariest feelings' to positives?

I read this OP and thought of you - perhaps it helps?

lulastic.co.uk/parenting/story-changes-life/

She's a bit hippyish and takes a while to get to the point but some good tips in there I thought :)

When we saw the psych team after DC2 suffered a traumatic injury, we were told that she needed to be able to 'retell it without reliving it'. It needed to become part of her life/family story and we had to help her create that narrative. So talking about feelings and what we did to resolve them, the sequence of events in very factual simple statements with simple explanations.

Some of that may help or be relevant, perhaps make sure she knows how the event ended so she has some sense of resolution.

My DD witnessed me being attacked by a rogue workman, she is almost 5 and it happened 18 months ago and she still talks about it. I spoke to her school (last week) who were amazing and arranged for me to see the school psychologist to work out a strategy on how to manage it so there is no lasting damage. I really recommend doing this it does go on her health file but I found it helpful.

The psychologist said red flags include disrupted sleep, eating or a change in toilet habits. She also said she might incorporate the situation into role play and said this is not unusual.

She stressed it is really important for the child to have her own narrative of events and be able to talk about it factually but with a positive spin and that is yours or mother's job to help fill in gaps. Talk about it. For example, "I was with Granny when we saw a man being attacked by three people, we were scared but Granny kept me away from the baddies and I was safe, and we crossed the road, and stayed away. Then Granny or another good person called the police. The police came, the baddies will be punished and go to jail, we will not see them again. I am safe. The man who was hurt will go to hospital, where he will get help from kind doctors."

She also recommended this book but said just to photocopy relevant pages rather than give DD the whole book as some of it is a bit too harrowing.

Hope you DD is OK.

I agree with pp and want to emphasise that you must guide her op. She is 5, she has no idea how to processes what she saw. Gosh, an adult would be traumatised, let alone a child. You are the adult and you must take charge of this. Avoiding it will not help her.

As she is so small, my instinct would be primarily to make the world safe for her again - I'd lie if necessary and tell her that the bad men had been caught and put in prison. Not sure if that's the right advice though - am no expert.

Your poor DD. You've had some good advice on this thread to make sure it doesn't get buried as unresolved trauma-especially around getting her to own the narrative of the event without reliving it. After my DD (4) witnessed a traumatic accident I sat down with her and got her to draw out the event in sequence, emphasising the positives aspects whilst not minimising or sensationalising what happened. the drawing was a way for her to have some control over the event, and I think it really helped.