Oh so virtuous other parents

[haventgotabloodyclue]

Just coming here to have a little rant really. I am a full time working mum trying to do my best.

Sometimes I have to get taxis with my daughter if I am late getting her from creche. I know that in an ideal world I would use a car seat, but that's just not possible every time. I've weighed up the risks and decided that moving at the pace of a snail in the city centre for a short journey is ok. I've also put her car seat in the hold on an airplane. Again, I did ALL the research and decided I was comfortable with the level of risk. Even more scandalously, I've used a babysitter at a hotel so I could have one single night out with my husband on holiday.

But oh no. This is simply unacceptable for some of the other mums I know, who are full time stay at home wives with home help etc. If they don't want to do those things, fine, but I am fed up of being made to feel like I'm the worst parent ever. I try really hard not to make any comments about stuff they do that I wouldn't do, e.g. feed their kids loads of sugar and chocolate every day, keep their kids up very late and so on.

Should I just avoid their company or is there a polite way of telling them to sod off and mind their own business? It's hard for me to make new mum friends as everything is geared around stay at home parents.

How does anybody actually make you feel like the worst parent ever?
You seem to have plenty of opinions about the way other people raise their DCs, might this be why you find it hard to make friends?

Avoid them and make different friends. They don't have to be mum friends either.

I don't think that them being SAHMs is the issue, they could be equally judgemental and happen to work. They just aren't very nice people if they are judging and criticising you to your face.

Tell 'me you know a mum who let their toddler eat tortilla chips out of the bin, because stopping him would have caused yet another endless tantrum, and said mum couldn't face the screaming. You will look like a perfect mum, in comparison.

Said mum was me. Ds1 was going through the terrible twos, had had an hour and a half long tantrum the night before, had already been screaming for an hour that morning so, before 9am, I was on the phone in tears to dh - when the screaming stopped, and I found ds1 helping himself to leftover tortilla chips we'd thrown away the night before - and I let him.

Being serious, I believe that we can only do our best - and it sounds as if you are doing your best with your circumstances. As long as you are happy and your child is happy and healthy, ignore your judgy friends.

No polite way to tell them to sod off im afraid.
You can just remind them that everyone is doing things their way when they make a comment.
But don't think you will change their mind.

It has nothing to do with working or being a SAHM btw. The decisions/choices you are talking about are ones that anyone can make at some point, regardless of whether you are working or not.

Personally, I would distance myself as they would drive me bonkers.
Re mum's friend, why do you think you need to have some of those?

I'm actually a very calm and friendly person. I do have opinions, as does everyone, but I prefer to keep them to myself and I would never in a million years say anything to anyone about their parenting style - frankly I think we all need to do whatever we can to survive! I appreciate I sounded quite 'ranty' in the original post, but I think 'exasperated' is more where I'm at.

The other mums makes comments like 'don't you know how dangerous that is, I would simply never do it' or 'I just couldn't ever bring myself to put a car seat in the hold, you may as well consider it broken'. It's more the tone than the words. Same for letting my daughter cry it out - again, I decided that was the right thing for me to do as I had to go back to work when she was very small and I needed to be rested in order to be a vaguely competent mother and do a full time job. But most of the other mums I know still co-sleep and breastfeed their two years olds all night. Good for them, but it's just not for me.

Time is really the hardest part of making new friends. All the playgroups tend to be on weekdays.

Thanks others for those supportive messages. I think I will have to make an effort to find some new people to hang out with. And actually non-parent friends would be a nice change. Now to find the time...

I'd look to picking up a hobby/sport and go to a class or group for that, regularly, and find some like minded friends that way.

In all honesty, i think that people who haven't done it alone don't get it. It's all very well making sure everything is perfect but when you have to be mum, dad, earner, carer, housekeeper, house administrator not to mention God sun and moon all put together all the time and there's only one of you then yes you fudge it. Because you have to.

Don't get mad though - it's just a different reality. You'll find your people. They'll probably also be single though and just as pushed for time as you. But they'll get it.

at the idea of a single parent of a nursery aged child being able to leave the house for a regular event other than work.

Oops sorry just seen you have a husband. Ignore me!

She said she had a husband if im mistaken...

I initially mis-read your post as saying that you put you daughter in the hold of the airplane in her car seat. I must admit I did start to think that might not be the best parenting...

Ha ha ha ha Ha! Might try that next time....

No worries. Honestly it feels hard enough with two of us and one child! Husband used to travel a lot so I did long stretches alone, but he's around more now.

Just stop telling them things!

How do they know your transport arrangements or whether you went out on holiday? You must have told them...

I think you need to get more comfortable with your choices so when they comment on them you won't feel upset and judged.

I had a friend years ago that was very judgy so I judged her right back a taste of her own medicine done the trick. It goes like this 'I would never do that' you say 'well i don't feed my kids crap like you but you don't see me sticking my nose in' shock offence and probably unfriending will happen but she will lie awake that night thinking about it and you've lost an unfriendly friend so it's a win all round.