worried about friend's baby

[kerala]

A very dear old friend has just had a baby. i recently spent the weekend with her and she explained how easy she was finding being a mum because she was following a great routine. She only fed her 2 week old every 4 hours. If the baby rooted or cried in between these 4 hour feeds she was ignored. If she acted hungry between the allotted feeds she is distracted or handed to the dad because then she "stops rooting". She is bf.

I have been through the new mum thing recenlty (dd is 8 months) and hated it when people gave me advice or told me how to do things. However Im so sad for her baby as I think she is hungry and not held enough. I and all the other new mums I met who bf ended up feeding practically all the time in the first few weeks. Her baby is asleep all the time and had no alert time during the whole weekend I was with them. Am sure my dd and the babies of the friends I made were more awake for short periods than my friend's little one. I think her lethargy is because she is hungry - my dd was the same the day after she was born before I got my feeding established.

Should I say something to my friend and risk the friendship? Or respect her way of doing things? Help!

Tread very carefully. All babies are different and the fact she has a sleepy baby is not necessarily related to her feeding. Why not ask about her baby's weight gain? If she says that she's worried or that the baby is not gaining weight, then you could always suggest it might be because of feeding every 4 hours. But at the end of the day, a lot of babies used to be/are fed on a routine 4 hours basis...

Thats difficult....what would you say?

I dont think you should ssay anything. She may be perfectly happy with things the way they are and you run the risk of making her feel crap.

fwiw, my ds was a four hourly feeder and I often tried to push it out he appeared was unsettled before this time. It worked for us.

When I had dd1, i was the only "first timer" in the ward. all the others had experience and they'd all actually been taught to feed every 4 hours.so....we all timed it together and inbetween times put the baby down to sleep! I found this a great way because it meant I could get into a routine myself. She carried on her pattern when she came home and within a couple of weeks she was sleeping for 6 hours or more overnight- although i used to worry myself sick! - and my hv told me it was absolutely fine.My other two had a very similar routine and it seemed to work. It meant I always got a good night's sleep. (Needed it as I had 3 within the space of 2 years!!!)

When my Mum had us she was told to only feed every 4 hours so thats what she did. I prefer the more baby lead style of today but lots of women used to bring up their babies in this way.

I would leave it
If the baby needs more frequent feeding it will show up in the weight and the HV will raise the issue if necessary

you could offer your advice or point out books, internet sites, programs that will open her eyes to new ideas, but thats about it.

back in the day, all of our grandmothers did exactly that when they raised our parents. my grandmother thought i was bizarre for demand feeding. she felt she did a great job with my dad and she did exactly what you describe your friend is doing.

i guess this is what your friend thinks is most right for her baby, and it will probably be hard to change her mind, and you may even offend her.

Kerala - my DD was very, very sleepy at the beginning. I was confused between BF on demand and waking her up to feed her because she would otherwise sleep for hours on end. I muddled through in the end. Just thought I'd say that the lethargy you noticed may just be her baby being v sleepy. My DS before hadn't been like this.

It might be an idea to post this in the Breast and Bottle feeding topic, as I would be concerned that feeding only 4 hourly could cause problems with supply, as I believe frequent suckling stimulates supply, particularly in the early weeks. If some of the breast feeding experts confirm this, at least you will have the information later if your friend starts to mention concerns about her supply.

Thanks for responses

Think I will keep quiet and respect her way of doing it. Relieved it worked for other people as personally never come across anyone doing this before.

Just found it hard seeing a really tiny baby who to me was making "I am hungry" signs not being fed...

My DD2 is 3 weeks old and since she was 1 week I have fed her every 3 or 4 hours as if I do it any more often than that she gets sicky, doesn't sleep properly, cries lots etc. She doesn't have any wakeful time yet, just eats and sleeps

Kerala, just wanted to say that I have been thinking about this all last night and all today, and I have discussed it with a few people, and we all feel that you were right to be worried. The more I think about it the more concerned I feel. I don't know what book your friend has read, because even the most extreme routine based books I have read only advocate 3 hourly, not four hourly feeds for breast fed babies. Breast milk is, as far as I am aware, digested in 2 hours, so breast fed babies need to be fed often. Also, frequent suckling is so necessary for getting supply right. It is a difficult situation, as I am sure you don't want to offend your friend by offering unsolicited advice. I really recommend posting a query in the Breast and Bottle Feeding topic, as there are people there who will at least be able to tell you if 4 hourly feeding is appropriate for a breast fed baby. Once you have the facts you could tactfully drop them in to the conversation with your friend if she raises the topic again. Or you could tell her about this great internet site you know of, with lots of breastfeeding tips...! Maybe she will become a MN fan too!

When I say appropriate, I expect some babies may well naturally have a four hour feeding pattern, I mean apppropriate for a baby who is rooting in between these times.

Excuse terrible spelling

It's a difficult one as all babies are different, DS was BF and when he was 2 weeks old I would feed him at 9am and he would go back to sleep and not wake for another feed until 3pm! I was really worried about it but he gained weight (was a really big chap!) just fine and would make up for lost time by attaching himself to me and camping there for a good hour and half!

My youngest 3 all slept for the first 6 weeks apart from when acutally feeding! It was lovely! Shame it didn't last a lot longer. They also only generally fed once during the night from 7ish to 7ish - they are all different!

Thanks for the posts especially Cazee.

It is tricky - if my friend was doing this because it suited her baby I wouldnt bat an eyelid. My concern is that shes doing it because of a book ie following a book rather than picking up her baby's signals. She is a very practical person and has got it into her head that this 4 hourly thing is "right" whatever the baby does in response.

I spoke to her today and tried to drop into the conversation that I ended up feeding my DD more frequently than 4 hourly because she was rooting and therefore hungry. Not sure I can go further than that without offending/undermining. Just want to get her thinking that there are other options. Crossing my fingers that her HV says something.