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Original poster

The Ex and the Children

24 replies

user1493808257 · 03/05/2017 12:01

I separated from my husband 2 years ago after 16 years. No foul play on either side - just a drifting apart and I just found him an emotional drain tbh.
He was always ok with kids - not hugely hands on but tried his best i guess. Towards the end of the marriage it was affecting the kids however once he left they appear to be much happier.
The thing is, they do not seem over keen to see him now, and despite his insistence i am not letting them do so. It is six months now since he saw them although he has bought a house near by. He has moved on it seems into a new relationship however I do not want this to affect the kids either. He has tried to get me to attend mediation but I do not want this. He is now getting solicitors involved to attempt visits which again I am not happy about. I am worried about where all thos is heading but I love my kids. Help. Please

OP posts:
SteppingOnToes · 03/05/2017 12:06

Are you encouraging them to visit? They will feel a loyalty to you as they are living with you and he has left - this shouldn't be allowed to affect their relationship with their father. 6 months is a long time to not see him, especially as he has moved closer to do so and clearly wants to see them.

SteppingOnToes · 03/05/2017 12:08

Also rather than thinking of it as 'I love my kids' think of 'I love our kids' as they are part of both of you.

xStefx · 03/05/2017 12:10

He seems to be trying his best to be able to see them. You said yourself he is an ok dad. Why cant you encourage them to see him?

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VimFuego101 · 03/05/2017 12:13

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming, you should let him see his children, and support and encourage them to go and see him. Why do they not want to?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2017 12:14

How old are they? Do you have a contact arrangement? Did something happen before they stopped wanting to see him? Do they have any contact e.g. phone calls?

His new relationship has nothing to do with his feelings the his children, unless they met her and really don't like her or something.

If you think your children would benefit from a relationship with their father - and unless he's abusive then they will - then why don't you try and get to the bottom of their resistance to going to see him?

Why not try mediation as a way for your family to work through the issues and attempt some resolution?

NotHotDogMum · 03/05/2017 12:18

Why don't you want the DC to see their father?

sxround · 03/05/2017 12:20

Thanks.
My kids are 13 and 10 years old.
One of them is autistic, however it is not my place to intervene in their decision. They are happier now than before which is all i want.

SteppingOnToes · 03/05/2017 12:24

It is your position as their mother - the courts are really going to give you a hard time. Not agreeing to mediation and refusing to encourage the kids is frowned on. If you carry on like this all conditions that your ex wants will be granted as you will be seen as uncooperative. At very least look at it from financial terms - if he gets 50:50 custody -which is perfectly possible- you will get zero maintanence for the kids.

sxround · 03/05/2017 12:36

He has provided for us well financially, as we have a scottish legal separation agreement, however nothing in this stipulates he has automatic rights to visit kids. It is to be done by mutual agreement.

NotHotDogMum · 03/05/2017 12:36

You should let him see his children.

Why have you refused mediation?

The courts will grant him visitation, he may even be awarded 50/50. It would be much better if you started cooperating before if and to that.

NotHotDogMum · 03/05/2017 12:37

*before it comes to that.

WellErrr · 03/05/2017 12:38

Why not go to mediation?

sunshineintheclouds · 03/05/2017 12:40

Angry how awful they are not just your children. How would you like it if it was flipped the other way?

sunshineintheclouds · 03/05/2017 12:42

And yes thankfully the courts will allow him to see his own children Hmm
But the length of time he has had to wait is not on at all.

GreenGoblin0 · 03/05/2017 13:32

the courts do not take kindly to parents preventing children from seeing their other parent which you are clearly doing. how awful for them and their father. you asked for help -go to mediation and stop preventing your children from having a relationship with third father.

sxround · 03/05/2017 15:28

Ok thanks all for the advice
It is just I feel we are all better and the children are happier without him.

AnnaNimmity · 03/05/2017 15:37

my children are similarly disinclined to see their father. I take the view that I have to strongly encourage make the younger ones (12 and under) see him or I'd be seen as blocking access in some way (and my exH would blame me). The older ones - 16 and 18 have made up their own minds.

I personally don't mind if they never see him again, but I don't want to stand in the way of a relationship between them, and I don't want them or him blaming me in the future for a lack of a relationship.

PollytheDolly · 03/05/2017 16:02

The older ones - 16 and 18 have made up their own minds.

And their reasons?

PollytheDolly · 03/05/2017 16:03

Ignore that! I thought it was OPs post BlushBlushBlush

PollytheDolly · 03/05/2017 16:09

Ok thanks all for the advice
It is just I feel we are all better and the children are happier without him.

Is there more to this?

titchy · 03/05/2017 16:16

Of course it's your place to make them go. That's what parenting is FFS. Or do you not bother to make them bathe, eat veg, clean their teeth etc if it's their decision not to.

AnnaNimmity · 03/05/2017 16:42

Well mostly that seeing their father interferes with their social lives. they arrange to see him on their own - I'm not involved. (so for dinner, the cinema etc on an ad hoc basis).

noitsnotme · 03/05/2017 16:52

Maybe they seem happier because both of you are not living together, not happier "without" him. Maybe you were part of their unhappiness also, and now they have just got used to him not being around, because you haven't encouraged them to see him. The poor man is trying to maintain a relationship with his kids. Why won't you help him, if he hasn't done anything wrong??

twattymctwatterson · 03/05/2017 16:53

Parental alienation is abuse OP

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