How do I help my 13 year old with extreme anxiety

[chewbaccathehooker]

HI all - looking for guidance on this as am devastated for DD1 and her sudden loss of confidence. This is a child who would have no hesitation getting up in front of an audience and singing, acting whatever. She's had a tough couple of years in big school struggling with friendship groups, and some of the girls - as they do - have been very bitchy and isolated her. She has one close friend, and is very aware that others have bigger groups of pals and asks what's wrong with her? Last night she told me that her anxiety was so bad, she was stressing about going into the canteen in case none of her friends were there, and also walking to and from class alone. This is SO unlike her, she's always been really self assured and I'm worried. I know it might not sound like much written down, and for context she currently has her period which isn't helping her mood, but I'm concerned this might escalate if I don't handle it properly. Anyone been through anything similar and have advice?

I hope you don't mind me placemarking, OP.

Will be back later!

Hello OP, I'm not sure I have any useful advice but I was very like your DD at 13. I had been bullied and isolated at primary school and it started up again at this age and my anxiety was through the roof for years because of it. I ate lunch alone for years because my 'friends' would all organise to go to the dining hall without me and did nothing with said 'friends' outside of school during sixth form. I think it is only with age and maturity as well as no longer being in an education setting that has 'cured' my anxiety and depression. I decided that at the end of the day I would rather have less friends who were nice people than a big group of bitches to call friends, but there is a pressure at school not to look like a misfit and unpopular. I had no friends at all so your DD is in a more positive position having one friend to be with, explain to her that it is quality not quantity that matters not just in friendships but in all areas of life.

Perhaps arrange for her to have a course of CBT, it wasn't effective for me but I only started once at university and was nearing my full on breakdown which led me to drop out, I needed more intervention at that point and the university really let me down but they didn't offer any sort of counselling beyond CBT which I think may have been effective had a started as a teen and had the methods in place to cope with difficulties. I didn't know how to deal with more bullying and I couldn't escape at home when I lived with my bullies at uni. If you start now she will be able to develop coping strategies and hopefully not end up like I did. You can explain to her that being a teenager is pretty horrible because of all of the social pressures but that if she chooses not to engage it may improve her anxious feelings.

I wish I could offer more useful advice, it's such a shame that so many girls feel this way and there isn't much advice on what to do out there, I'm praying that DD has a better time of it than I did as I am not sure how I could help her. Encourage her to love herself and put herself first, to explore the things she enjoys and to share that with people who are worth it.

I'm so sorry for what your daughter is going through. This must be agonising for you. All I can advise is to get her into therapy as soon as humanly possible. She needs professional help, and even though you're her mother, you are not a professional counselor and can't give her the help she desperately needs.

I had the experience of bitchy girls at school and looking back what saved me from it was having life outside school. I got very into drama at a weekend group at the local theatre and made a lot of friends rhere. Resilience comes in the form of having other experiences and worlds as well as school. It's a good age at which yo start learning that school is a tiny portion of life. At about 15/16 it got much better as I had a social life outside school through going raving (mid 90s) but thst might not be whst you want for her ..!

I'm very pro therapy but I don't quite agree thst she needs professional help necessarily. She may need support in widening her circle of friends and learning coping strategies for school - but dont leap to the conclusion thst she has deep mental health issues. Though counselling can always be helpful

My son is a very anxious kid. I've just signed us both up for Transcendental Meditation.

Thanks so much for being kind enough to take the time to reply. She's a bit brighter today, and I've booked a hot tub party for the end of her exams to give her something to look forward to and invite some friends.
I've tried rational emotive therapy with her - whats the worst thing that could happen - and have spoken to a friend who does CBT and currently organising some sessions. Meditation is a good idea though, and I'll check that out also. I just want to nip this is the bud in case it leads to bigger problems. Regarding out of school activities, this is where her anxiety ramps up. She's worried if she tries somnething new, people wil judge her for her abilities. Will take all your points on board, adn again, thanks so much x

All the best with it - I'm sure you'll find something that helps her

It sounds like the core of her is strong sand confident and just her environment is pulling the rug out. Personally I would spend lots of time encouraging her and talking her through how schools and teenagers work, how it's not always like that and what a strong and confident person she naturally is, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

I'd also get her counselling for someone external to talk to and help her get some perspective and resilience.

And I'd get her a new hobby outside of school. I'd probably go with horse riding or boxing but pretty much whatever you think she could get into.

It's important for kids to see there are other places with different dynamics outside of the incestuous and often vicious world of school.

Sounds like I've crossposted! Sorry, I think you are doing a great job.

Dd (20) has been struggling with this for years; part of a generalised anxiety condition. A hobby has helped her, CBT has helped her, being gently reminded from time to time that "this is your anxiety speaking, it's not how others see you" helps her.

I would definitely tackle the anxiety around being judged/ trying new things as that is seriously going to reduce her enjoyment of life. Why not do a deal with her that you will get her something she really likes if she tries new things...look at what is on offer locally and see what she would enjoy. Guides/ duke of edinburgh/ drama/ dance etc

Thank you all - you're so kind to take the time to reply, and I'm very grateful for your advise. New hobbies I think, and some counselling to see how we go. You're all amazing