Help to manage 4 month old in the evening please!

[longesteveningever]

I have a delightful 4 month old daughter, she is napping better during the day (about 4 naps - latest mid afternoon), she has always slept well at night (about 9pm to 6am with a feed at about 3am), she feeds well and is gaining weight. My question is about the evenings which we have struggled with since she was born really. I know it is a known difficult time but from about 5pm to 9pm she is fussy, wriggly, obviously tired but unable to settle (on knee, breast, shoulder, in buggy, cot, sleepyhead, bouncer). We tend to bathe her and do a bedtime routine at 6.30pm but after that she feeds, frets, cries, winges until she finally feeds to sleep at about 9pm by which time DH and I are frazzled wrecks. Unfortunately she has never taken to a sling so although I know that is great for a lot of babies at this time, not so much for her. She is not screaming inconsolably so I do not think it is colic- we sometimes give gripe water/ infacol which little effect.
I am prepared for 'it will pass' advice but wonder if there is something we are doing wrong (we are first time parents and know nothing!). Thanks everyone

Your not doing anything wrong both my babies have been fussy in the evenings and nothing much helped but getting older.

The only advice I can give is try to to try to many different things at that age it can over stimulate being passed about ans rocked then walked then swung. Try to find a couple of things and stick with it until she settles. Good luck it will pass.

I had exactly the same problem and it only really got better once my daughter could move more. I realised she was becoming overtired and was unable to switch her brain off. Some nights we tried for 6 hours to get her to sleep (til 1am!). Eventually, we realised a formula topup (I ebf most of the time), plus a wind down in a dark room with lullabies made this quicker. We got it down to 9pm and now she goes to bed at 7pm with no hassle. I could not have imagined that a few months ago! I personally think solids have made a difference, plus putting a little rabbit in with her, but I know people have divided opinions on this. We have also moved to formula so she can't nurse to sleep and I started to try training her to fall to sleep by not nursing to sleep during the day. Now she is older we can also tire her out.

Is your daughter worse after having visitors or stimulation? You might want to have a cut off time? I was at the end of my tether at the time and you have my full sympathy
As anditstartsagain said, try not to do too many things, this definitely wound up my daughter.
The really positive thing is that you are doing the bedtime routine, this will really help you in the future. I was a skeptic but putting her into her little sleeping bag seems to signal the start of bedtime to her.

Also, you might want to try moving her routine to slightly later? This might lessen the stress for you?

Sorry to clarify, I didn't start putting a rabbit in with DD until she was 6 months old and I had a video monitor so I could keep an eye on her with it. Its only now that she is allowed to have it all night.

She sounds exhausted! Skip the bath you don't need to do it every day. 7pm bedtime.
Don't let her nap between 5 and 7.
5pm was the witching hour at our house too. Lasted about a year! Was the hardest hour of the day.

Infacol is cumulative so it won't work unless you are constantly giving it before each feed for a few days 😊 one off doses won't make a blind bit of difference

4 months might be a bit early for an earlier bedtime. But you could give it a shot. Honestly it sounds totally normal. Maybe try loud white noise? Or now that the evenings are getting warmer, a walk? On your own, leaving DH with the baby. But it will pass. And probably fairly soon. It was 4.5 months when it suddenly got easier with my DS. I'm jealous of how well she sleeps overnight, though! Neither of mine were anything like that good at that age. DD still isn't at 10 months!

Thank you so much for you replies- reassuring that we are not alone in this and some useful tips- thank you!

No real word of wisdom OP but my DS (now 8 months old) was exactly the same and then literally over night god knows what clicked but he has been in bed before 7.30 every single night since xmas eve. Just hang on in there

Sounds like she could be overtired. Mid afternoon until 9pm is a long time at that age without a nap.
She may be better off having another nap instead of her bath, she won't need a bath every night or maybe bath her in the morning.

I'm just wondering how going to sleep and waking up must feel for someone who doesn't understand why. Then beginning to recognise a pattern but still not understanding why. It must feel like letting go of all the stimulation, learning and growth then waking up to a fresh new hell of growing, learning and understanding.

What, in that situation, is comforting and familiar? It's Mum, Dad, lights on, light off. There is a reason the dark and light became so symbolic and why people are afraid of the dark and the quiet. It's instinctive.

I have looked after friend's babies who are so afraid of falling asleep, for no reason, that the moment they let go they wake themselves up with a start at any slight moment - real or imagined.

A whole adult day is boggling for most of us. We learn how to get to sleep by what works for us. Rocking, singing and stroking may be placate but we all know that activity and fresh air makes us proper tired.

At the station the other day I met a new Grand Mother on a child free ticket who was rocking her wheelie suitcase while she talked to me. Is this over stimulation for the clothes? Even when we laughed about it she did it again.

When I was young I remember stropping, arguing, negotiating, refusing - just to get my own way. Your baby needs her own way and that's why she's a new and individual person. You're in charge but she is really - accept that.

This bond you have between you will last forever. Give her a break, she's learning faster than you will ever learn again.

It'd make you cry - but know they love you.

I also think your lo sounds over tired. At that age and possibly up to 7 months ds (now 2) was having a late afternoon nap say around 4.30 for 30-45 mins. Then bath at 7 bottle at 7.30 and bed.
What time is the last nap usually? Could you fit in a 15 min power nap out in the pram for a walk around fourish?