Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Daughters father partner. Help and advise please

60 replies

Natalie2900 · 28/04/2017 20:40

Hey,

I am wondering if anybody can help me. I just need some advise and somebody to tell me I'm either being dramatic or perfectly reasonable.

I am struggling with my daughters dads partner. I find her incredibly over power and just wish she would take a step back.

Basically she has decided to meet up on weekends with one of the mums from school who is supposed to be my friend of 4 years ( our daughters went to nursery together and now school) I am incredibly hurt by them all meeting up and spending time together.
Now I have been told of another friendship she has made with another mum at school. Am I being childish? I am always in quite a rush during school run with
Work and don't have time to stop and chat. I just feel like being friends with all the nuns isn't her place! She isn't her mum!!!!
She always is doing all the school runs and her dad lies and says it's him!
This woman has never known where the line is and I feel like she is running my time bringing up my daughter! This is me special time with her that I will never get back and she's growing up every day :-(. Why as her mum can she not just respect my wishes.
She wrote me a thank you card from me daughter for the Christmas presents I brought her! Like I'm a relative!! She is MY DAUGHTER why would she write me a thank you card. She just doesn't think.

Can I refuse her to be collecting my daughter from school and request it is only her dad? I am just sick of neither of them respecting me wishes as her mum! I sit crying because they make me feel like they are trying to be mum and dad and I feel so unimportant sometimes. Why would a woman want to make another woman feel that way? I wish she could see it if the tables were turned. Please help it's bringing me down :-(

OP posts:

Piratesandpants · 03/05/2017 17:16

Dear god, she's completely disregarding boundaries - I'm with you op, who the hell does she think she is? And I'd be very disapointed at my friend's behaviour. Can't you invite yourself along to their meet ups? Then she becomes a 'spare part'. So what if you're imposing yourself a bit.

WannaBe · 03/05/2017 17:29

Since when is picking up a child from school disregarding boundaries? I am genuinely confused at the people who think that this woman is out of order here. As a friend one surely is friends with the parents of the children, in any other circumstances it wouldn't be an issue. In fact if the OP had a partner no-one would suggest he not have anything to do with the child's friends' parents at the school gates? That has nothing to do with the wellbeing of the children in these situations and everything to do with the insecurities of the adults. Insecurities which need to be set aside for the sake of their children.

Incidentally, once these children are past primary age the reality is that the friendships between the parents are likely to fade anyway.

But tbh if I befriended someone at the school gates and another mum, the mum of the child who they were picking up started insisting they come to our meetups I would give them a wide birth in future.

Piratesandpants · 03/05/2017 17:37

It's the meet ups but that's disregarding boundaries not doing the school run - obviously.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

RebelRogue · 03/05/2017 17:45

So step parents aren't allowed to interact,talk or socialise with anyone on the school playground? Or continue to promote already existing friendships between kids? Should she just blank everyone? Refuse any invitation or contact?
Why because she isn't her mum?
When i used to have the time to do so, i talked to grandparents,aunts and even friends of the families. Even arranged playdates through them.
We didn't have weekend meetups though,but that's because I don't meet up with anyone at the weekend.

Redhead17 · 03/05/2017 17:51

My ex has a partner they've been together a while, I told him to make sure he buys her a Mother's Day present, I always buy them something for xmas. She comes to her parties, she has been round for dinner and have been in my home many times. We've all been to chessington for the day, them and me and my partner.

She knows I am her mum and when she is in her care then she is her step mother and I would not get the hump or tell her what to do. My daughter doesn't stay with her dad at all during the week, so we don't have the school issue, but people are going too talk to her and friend her it's the nature of the beast.

The card is a little weird but maybe she was just being thoughtful or trying to be nice and show that your daughter appreciates you, not sure but I wouldn't take it as offensive.

WannaBe · 03/05/2017 18:08

Nope, meeting up with other mums isn't overstepping a boundary. It's befriending someone in the school playground or wherever else you might befriend them. The notion that she should step back and say "wait, she's DP's ex's friend, I don't have the right to be friends with her." Nobody owns a friendship.

phoenixtherabbit · 03/05/2017 18:16

You can ban someone from being friends with your friend because you don't like them.

From experience people who ask or expect people to choose them over someone else, are the ones who end up being dropped from the group.

phoenixtherabbit · 03/05/2017 18:18

Oh and ive done many the school run for ss, ive picked him up and dropped him off from his mums house. I cook his tea, I do his washing, I help him with his homework.

I don't want to be his mum. I will never be his mum. I'm here for support, for care, friendship, a trusted adult, a shoulder to cry on, but I'm certainly not his mum.

She's not a great mum and of late she really doesn't give a shit, but as badly as I think of her I don't want to replace her.

GloriaV · 03/05/2017 18:36

Try to see things in the long term OP.
Perhaps she will have a baby and DD might become a 'nuisance' to her and the relationship completely change.
Perhaps she and Ex might split.
Perhaps she might get a job and not be available to drop DD off.

Why is she so available? Why does she have time at the school gates. Doesn't she work. It sounds like Ex is not going much child care.

She is overstepping the mark imv and sounds quite pushy. But sadly I don't see what you can do about it.

RebelRogue · 03/05/2017 18:48

Gloria all those are instances where the child would possibly suffer.
Becoming a "nuisance" and not getting attention,having her needs met or being/feeling excluded.
Losing someone that rightly or wrongly is part of her life now. Not an insignificant part either.
A change in routine and/or an extra childcare setting which could be great for the child but could also not be.

It's unbelievably petty and selfish to hope or soothe yourself with those things,when the only one who could possibly suffer is the child.

RebelRogue · 03/05/2017 18:53

So how about this?

OP think long term. This is a woman who likes your DD and takes an interest in her life and care. Hopefully she will be there long term,and you DD will have an extra adult to be there for her and love her. An adult,not another mum.
And your DD will grow up feeling and being loved,with a good example about what good relationships are, and that different people can care for you and love you in different ways ,and becoming a well rounded happy adult.

phoenixtherabbit · 03/05/2017 18:56

Perhaps she will have a baby and DD might become a 'nuisance' to her and the relationship completely change.
Perhaps she and Ex might split.
Perhaps she might get a job and not be available to drop DD off.

Why are any of those scenarios better?

GloriaV · 03/05/2017 19:15

I'm not saying these are better scenarios - just possible ones. Who knows?
The OP is hurt and feeling usurped I'm not sure that right now being told how lucky she and DD are to have this kind woman in their lives, this other loving adult who is not the Mum, but as a relatively new person in the DDs life is certainly acting like it,on top of muscling in on the friends is what she wants to hear.
But ime things change over time. The OP might come to like the SM, or any of the scenarios I mentioned previously. Or the OP might find a new partner and move to the other end of the country. The point is things change.

phoenixtherabbit · 03/05/2017 19:18

Gloria dear me.

Let's all just tell op she's right and her daughters step mum is a total shit head shall we?

That will be really helpful won't it?

And as for muscling in on friends? Are we 12?! Am I back at school?!

RebelRogue · 03/05/2017 19:18

However in all your scenarios things would be worse for the child,but better for the mum. Weird that.

GloriaV · 03/05/2017 19:21

Schoolgate friendships, or lack of them, are constantly on MN as causing problems.
Having a happy DM is pretty important for a child imv. Weird to feel that doesn't matter.

Unihorn · 03/05/2017 19:22

This makes me a bit sad. I do my DSD's school runs and all four of us parents and step-parents attend school events together. I know this isn't the norm for most blended families but I do think it's unfortunate that other peoples' situations aren't so ideal. I would be upset if my husband's ex had your attitude towards me.

I don't see my DSD as my own of course but I do my best to make her feel looked after. I would probably liken my feelings towards her as similar to that of a niece maybe?

Sorry I know I've not been too helpful but maybe try stepping back and seeing it from her perspective?

phoenixtherabbit · 03/05/2017 19:24

Obviously having a happy mum matters, it's important

However it's not the step mums fault that the mum feels threatened by her, which is what this is. This woman isn't asking the daughter to call her mummy, or taking her away from her mum, she's picking her up for school and...... Talking to people....... Hang draw and quarter her immediately!

WannaBe · 03/05/2017 21:05

"The OP is hurt and feeling usurped I'm not sure that right now being told how lucky she and DD are to have this kind woman in their lives, this other loving adult who is not the Mum, but as a relatively new person in the DDs life is certainly acting like it,on top of muscling in on the friends is what she wants to hear." well she may not want to hear it, but she needs to hear it, because she is being unreasonable, and the only person this can damage in the longer term is the child.

As for muscling in on friends, maybe the friends like her? Maybe the friends are the ones extending the invites? Why must it be automatically assumed that she is "muscling in" on friends in the playground? They're all adults no? Nobody owns a friendship, and nobody has the right to dictate who someone else can and cannot be friends with.

GloriaV · 04/05/2017 10:41

You could be right Wannabe but I don't think it's impossible that the new DSM is overstepping and who knows her history, perhaps DD is the DD she has always wanted.
Perhaps as she has no children of her own, I presume, she doesn't get that the DM might be devastated that she has to work and cannot be there all the time for DD and that another new DM is taking over. I would be.

SteppingOnToes · 04/05/2017 12:57

Gloria - do you have any idea how spiteful your post comes across. No DSM wants to raise someone elses fucking kids - they're doing their best to not go insane!

GloriaV · 04/05/2017 17:29

You sound empathetic!

MsGameandWatch · 04/05/2017 17:47

I agree with your posts Gloria.

GloriaV · 04/05/2017 18:10

My first post was thoughtless but I assumed like most of my posts it would be glossed over and forgotten.
My point was just that things change and move on - the OP is in a bad place but life moves on, in ways you can't imagine at the time.

Original poster

Natalie2900 · 05/05/2017 13:46

Thank you for all your responses.

I would just like to clarify that I only ever talk highly of her in front of my daughter as

I wouldn't want my daughter to be rude.
My feelings towards her does not reflect how my daughter should feel about her.

This is a long story and I properly haven't stated everything. I do know she has said not nice things about me to other mutual people we know. So I know she doesn't necessarily like me.

Obviously I can't stop her making friends that is silly! She can be friends with whoever she likes. I'm very used to her dad doing nothing and over the past 5 years I have done it all but when he met his new girlfriend things changed dramatically. She was very jealous about the
Fact we had a child. He stopped me from texting or phoning him and I was only allowed to email his work email to contact him.
It was hard for me to understand what I had done wrong as we had always maintained a healthy relationship and naturally I blamed his girlfriend because in reality it was her asking these things of him because she didn't like us talking.
After going to a solicitor and having the situation resolved it is better.
But sometimes I can't help but feel she does these things to spite me. After all past history ( believe me there's more but I would be here all day).
It's very hard when you know the person who is helping bring up your daughter doesn't like you. And trying to see good in some things she does is hard when they can seem a little passive aggressive.
I am always polite when I see her I am not rude person. Just today she was at my daughters first assembly and I said hello and how are you and when about my day.
But I do feel that both parents should have there comfort zones and they should be respected to some degree.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread