Violent child- I don't know what to do :-(

[one2three4five]

I have name-changed for this, as I am really ashamed that i'm clearly failing my son in some way and I don't know how to solve the problem

My son is four, and will be starting school in September, but i'm really struggling with his behaviour.

We love him to pieces, but to be honest, he has always been very challenging! Mostly this has been things like bad sleeping, refusal to listen, temper etc, but unfortunately he seems to have a violent streak, and I have no idea what to do about it. It started really young, before he even really seemed to know what he was doing (around 15 months). He would push and hit and throw things at people. For a while I stopped taking him to groups and things, because it was becoming really awkward and I was conscious that we were getting a bit of a reputation. We really tried to get on top of it and encourage nice behaviour, and constantly talked about feelings and the importance of being kind etc. Once he hit about three and a half, he seemed to get a lot better, he had been on a sort of behaviour plan at pre-school for children with social issues, and they decided to take him off this as he had improved so much, which was great! However, over the last couple of months, things seem to have nose-dived, and he's doing awful things. I have had to sign three incident forms lately, two because he put his hands around another childs throat as if to strangle them, and another today because he punched a child in the face. I am so upset. He is four years old, so while he is young, he is more than old enough to understand that what he is doing is wrong. I don't understand where he has learned the behaviour from, he is from a very loving family, and there is absolutely no violence of any kind in our home, my husband and I never even argue let alone fight! He only ever watches age-appropriate television, and we only read age appropriate books with him. We have a lot of pets, (most of which were around before him so he has grown up with them) so we have always encouraged gentle, kind behaviour and talked about not hurting the animals etc. We've tried so many things, behaviour charts, marble jars, taking toys away if he's been unkind, rewarding good behaviour and ignoring bad, but nothing bothers him, he just doesn't care. I told him today that after the incident at preschool today, he's not allowed to watch anything on the TV tomorrow, and he just said 'I don't care, i'll watch it the next day instead.' He is an only child (this is not by design, we have been trying for another child for almost two years with no luck) in a family where there are no children at all, so he is used to a lot of adoration and attention from adults, and is often spoiled because everyone dotes on him as the only child for 26 years. I know this isn't helpful for him, and I have asked that people don't spoil him so much, but it falls on deaf ears! Not that it's anyone elses fault, this is clearly more deep-rooted than him just being a bit spoiled, but I just have no idea what to do about it?

I am really embarrassed and ashamed that I can't get on top of this. It's so incredibly important that he doesn't hurt other children. I feel like writing to all of the parents to apologise because I feel so awful that their children keep getting hurt at the hands of my son. They must all think we're an awful family.

I've got to go in to preschool for a meeting tomorrow, and I have no idea what i'm going to say other than admit that actually, I have no idea how to handle this, i'm way out of my depth.

Just to add- I am pretty certain that there are no SEN or anything, in case anyone believes that might be the cause of his behaviour.

OP, you sound like a really lovely person. But are you sure you're being firm enough with your son? You say that you have a zero tolerance approach, but you also say that he will lose one day of TV for punching another child in the face. That's it? Really?

I hope the meeting today goes well, and gives you some ideas for how to handle this.

OP's DC sounds like my DC3 (of 4 DC). Went from sweet tot to impulsive thug from about 18m. It was my fault because he had too many siblings. Or we were terrible disciplinarians (said a teacher). "He must have SN" chanted MN like a yogic mantra. I avoided taking DS to clubs & it was easy to avoid other kids since he was very rarely invited anywhere. When I told a story on MN about how one parent was treating DC4 badly b/c years previous DC3 upset her, MNers bit their tongues except the one who said "You probably deserve that."

All rubbish, of course. DC3 is now in yr8 & his school reports are full of comments how mature & polite he is. But I think he's still got weak emotional control & is over-sensitive. Both were worse when younger. And having no friends which is disaster since DC3 is quite extrovert. A saving grace is my dad (placid man) tells a very similar story about what he was like when young. His mom was blamed -- her fault for being a divorcee. Folk are so happy to find someone to blame.

I hope you find a good strategy OP. But I suggest you strap yourself in for the ride b/c there may be no simple answers.

All I can say is that you need to get your son to a doctor immediately. Why have you waited so long?

Aqua- Why would I take him to see a doctor, he's not ill, he is has behavioural issues. All I can say is, as if I wasn't feeling like enough of a bad mum already, your unnecessary judgement has far from helped.

Thank you all for your advice. I spoke to his preschool leader this morning for over an hour and she was lovely about it all. We have come up with a behaviour plan which we are going to stick to for a few weeks, and I will do my best to ensure that his care is as consistent as possible to give the plan as much chance to work as possible. She said that while he is very bright, his social development is behind where it should be at this point, so we need to work on bringing it forward. I asked whether we could arrange an assessment to rule out any potential problems, and she said that she is certain that there is nothing to diagnose further than him being very boisterous and behind his peers with social development. She said the main issue is that when he lashes out, it is extreme and doesn't seem to take much to provoke him, which is what we need to get on top of before he starts school. She asked lots of questions about parenting etc, and she thinks that we are not being firm enough or consistent enough with him, so this is something that we need to work on. They seem to want to help us as much as possible, so i think we're just going to need to be really open and honest and work together as much as possible to help him.

I feel much better after having spoken to them, and I'm glad that they don't think he is some sort of monster! They said they are having similar issues with a couple of other children at the moment, which is reassuring to know- at least that hopefully means that not all of the other parents are judging me!

OP I'm glad that the meeting went well, it's so important to work together.

I've seen lots of children like this (infant teacher of nearly 15 years and SENCO). Some do have additional issues but many simply need very firm boundaries and to be taught how to play. Agree with PP that consequences need to be immediate.

I really hope you and the nursery make some progress. It will take time but do stick at it :)

OP GP's aren't just there for illness they make referrals for behavioural issues too. I would speak to the GP, talk about his behavioural issues and that nursery say he is behind socially whilst very bright academically and his reactions are extreme and without obvious provocation. I'd expect a referral to either a developmental paediatrician or CAMHS if you asked.

I didn't say one judgemental thing. I simply asked why you hadn't had your child seen by a doctor. Doctors deal with a lot of other things besides traditional illness. They help evaluate for mental health problems, nutritional deficiencies, hormonal imbalances, etc. I'm sorry you felt judged. That wasn't my intent.

That's good news, One. It's so much easier when you feel supported by staff and have someone to talk it through with.

Ah that sounds great, op, so glad it was a positive meeting. Of course he isn't a monster. Honestly it sounds like normal impulsive toddler behaviour that's just gone a bit further along for the reasons you've already mentioned. I'm not saying all toddlers hit but lots do. It'll be tough but I'm sure he'll respond to your firm boundaries. Don't feel you need to be harsh in order to be firm with him. Good luck

I have nothing of any use or substance to add, but didn't want to just read and go without saying something. Best of luck, OP, and bundles of . I hope you are able to get some help for your DS from here.

I could have written much of your post, except that my 4 year old isn't an only child or particularly spoiled by adults. We have had biting and hitting from a very early age and while biting has stopped, hitting and lashing out continues. He flies into a rage at the slightest injustice and struggles to calm himself. I do think we are coming out of it though and I'll tell you what we have tried. We saw a child psychologist who said there was a delay in social development and a speech therapist who specialises in communication could help. Before we could be referred we had to have a hearing test and it turns out he had 50% hearing loss, now resolved by grommets which has made a huge difference. The therapist has been teaching him how to be sociable and most importantly how to feel his feelings in a safe way. Starting by naming them and then feeling them so they aren't pent up. Then considering who else might be feeling those feelings by looking at pictures - so learning empathy. Learning about how to share or behave using "social stories " - have a look for these. Gradually he is learning not to lash out - the rages happen but generally he stops before he does harm anyone now, but it has taken a long time to get to this point. I hope you find someone who can help too. It's great that your nursery is so on side but don't rule out getting more help as noes the time to sort it out before school.

I had an awful temper as a child; wasn't violent, but a v bad temper. I was scared of Freddie Krueger (why my mom allowed a 5 year old to watch that is beyond me). To me, Freddie was scary, mean, "bad".

My dad sat me down one day when my temper was starting to flare. He gentle but firmly held my arms down by my side and spoke very softly and slowly. He said.. "you know your temper, let's give it a name shall we. Let's think of something you don't like. we'll call it Freddie. You don't like Freddie do you. Now, we don't like Freddie either and we don't want him to come out do we. Let's pretend that your temper Freddie is in your tummy. We don't want Freddie to come out. So let's put Freddie back down in your tummy. Take some deep breaths.. put Freddie away... (repeat etc)... is Freddie tucked back into your tummy? now doesn't that feel better. It feels better when you don't get angry doesn't it and Freddie is tucked away...". I didn't lose my temper again until I was 16 and hit my eldest sister for being an absolute bitch.

I mentioned this to a shrink (went to shrink due to breakdown from being bullied.. not temper related!) and she said he should have been a shrink.

OP can I just say that your family set up sounds lovely ! I think having different adult carers and your parents next door with animals sounds fab.

You sound like a lovely mum and the only thing that strikes me as different to what I would do is thst your punishments sound a bit over involved.. I don't think toddlers or young childreb understand much beyond the present moment and I would just focus on letting him know immediately that the fun ends and people are sad when he hits

Maybe an approach as described above would work - getting him to understand the violent urge he gets and find a specific way to deal with it.

Perhaps see it as very poor impulse control rather than naughty behaviour.