DD Aged 4 Having Tantrums - DESPERATE PLEA FOR HELP

[Rebi]

I am trying to tackle my dd?s ?tantrums? and having great difficulty. She is 4 years old and they appear to be getting worse.

I returned to work full-time (had been part-time since June after being off with her for just over a year) in October. She goes to a childminder, who has a daughter slightly younger and has always struck me as even ?stronger-willed? than my dd. My ds (who is 10) has told me that her tantrums are even more spectacular than my dd?s. I think that my dd has been learning from this little girl how to up the level of tantrum. We have even considered maybe moving the kids to different childminder, (that is how bad her behaviour has become) but think that would be even more unsettling for both of them. Childminder is lovely and both enjoy going.

She has always been very strong-willed, stubborn and independent. We try to do the whole ?naughty step? thing with her, which does help but the meltdowns just get out of hand sometimes. Sticker charts do not work. Delayed rewards do not work. I am at my wits end with her and sometimes don?t like her very much (which I hate to admit and can?t believe that I feel). She has always been Daddy?s girl and she is constantly trying to push me out of the picture.

She also comes into our bed every night but I am thinking that that is a separate issue, which I intend to address next weekend with rapid return.

By the way, she is a smart, beautiful, funny, energetic and agile little girl. I love her so so much

I don?t know if I am making matters worse ? I do find it hard coming down on her hard(although I do at times) as I feel guilty for being away from her all day. As you might be able to tell ? I am deeply confused. My reason for posting on here is that I am hoping for people?s opinions and hopefully similar experience. I am hoping for some clarity because I feel that I am missing something in the whole dynamic. I do not want her to continue to behave in this way and also worry that our relationship is always going to be challenging (God I am dreading the teenage years already). Is the right thing to just get really tough and strong with her even though she will be away from me all day?

Please please be honest with me. I really want to sort the behaviour out and address these issues. I want a great relationship with dd.

bump

sorry no advice pretty much in a similar boat and now she is shattered from school just to add to the meltdown.

Naughty steps etc never worked with ds who will be 4 in a few months. It took a while to find out what his "currency" was ie what he will react to, but having found it it generally works.

I tell him that I do not want to be around him while he is screaming and that I am going to a different part of house (saves undignified wrestling trying to get him n step/in room) and he is only welcome there when he has stopped.

I then make myself a cup of coffee and go and sit in lounge /kitchen with a book - obviously enjoying myself and completely balnk him - other than to tell him to go somewhere else if he comes screaming in to my room.

This generally works as it amounts to a complete withdrawal of attention (which is what he most values) until he stops and comes to me and apologises.

I know what you mean about not liking them sometimes - but don't feel guilty about this - you clearly do love and cherish her - you just don't like the way she behaves - and who would?

before now dd has had her time out in the garden - to stop her bashing our glass doors (not safety glass) the screaming and wailing is unbelievable and so so loud!

My DD (3) was with a childminder up until December,(had been with her since 7 months) she also had a DD who was 9 months older than my DD. And I know for a fact my DD copied her behaviour - CM's DD's is amaxingly strong will - spectacular Temper tantrums - My DD is quieter, but her Temper Tantrums where on a par with CM's DD's. TBH I just put up with it and dealt as best as I could because DD loved CM and her DD. However CM decided to stop CM at Christmas so DD no longer with them - and you would not beleive how much she has changed since stopping going there. She is having tantrums 75% less than she used to - I can reason with her more, life one heck of a lot less strssful. So I think CM's DD's behaviour will affect your DD - question is whether you can cope with it?
Good luck!

Thank you so much for all your replies. I have had loads of bing bing moments just reading them quickly!

KerryMum ? really like your ideas. I had tried to do something like this but wasn?t formal enough in my approach I think. Need to clarify what specific behaviours we want rid of and set it down for her. I had read somewhere about counting to 3 recently and I have tried that a couple of times and it did work ? so must use that more consistently and explain that in the way that you have. Do let me know how you get on.

Gooseyly Loosely ? that is such a good idea. I usually am trying to gather her up and put her on ?naughty step? but it probably would be far more effective if I didn?t get into it with her and just left, explaining why I was leaving the room. The only question I have about this is ? what if it is at dinner table and we are eating or while I am preparing dinner ? would you still leave the room (and let dinner go cold, etc!)? I think denying her attention is definitely her ?currency? (I like that word) BUT because I am away from her all day, is it still ok to do this? I suppose the answer is that if I do it in the shortterm and sort the problems out then hopefully won?t have to withdraw attention???? This is my greatest concern.

Jaynerae ? Oh God ? food for thought most definitely. My biggest fear is that this behaviour is altering her personality permanently (could it?) and she won?t go back to being her gorgeous self because she is receiving such negative attention from all around her???

Thank you again.

I work 3 days a week too - don't feel guilty - you are not withdrawing quality attention from your child, you are explaining that there are boundaries and avoiding getting into a shouting match with her (which would be worse for both of you).

I would stop preparing dinner, just take it, off the cooker and walk away. Different if we were sat at the table, not sure it has ever happened, but I think I would explain that it must stop or dinner is at an end. I tend to give 2 warnings as I think they need a minute or 2 to calm down and then I think I would clear the food off the table and walk away.

Don't know whether this is the perfect solution but I found myself shouting at ds and just escalating the whole thing, so I try and walk away whenever possible.

I would add that I feel for my son's frustration sometimes and afterwords will try and explain to him that I see his point of view and if we can reach an agreement which he perceives as fair to avoid him getting so upset in the future I will - but this is all after he has calmed down.

I really like your approach Goosey Loosey and definitely will give it a go, along with KerryMum's ideas. Will have a go this evening. Thanks a million. Wish me luck!

Sorry, had to go yesterday. How did it go last night?

Hiya

Just into work. Last night went really well but this morning was another matter. I could just cry. She started as soon as she woke up. Dad was down with ds making breakfast and I said I would help her get dressed - "I want my Daddy", so I said fine you have two choices. I will help you get dressed or I am going downstairs and you can get yourself dressed. So I went down and she screamed the place down for near on half an hour. The rest of us had breakfast. Ds said (he has Aspergers so is very matter of fact) that "its funny how usually the Daddy's are horrible, but in our house it is Mum who is horrible and Dad is nice". Poor child didn't know what he had unleashed. I just feel what is the point. She eventually gave in but then started screaming about wanting breakfast this way and that way. Then started screaming that she didn't want to go to gymnastics. She eventually did calm down and I do think that I can see it for what it is. But I feel like crap. I feel like I am Mr Bad Guy and dh is Mr Good Guy.

Thank you Goosey Loosey for asking after me!

Ahh, we have daddy mania from ds too - or used to. One of the reasons for this I think is that I do most of the discipline so sometimes, instead of me taking a stance, I now ask dh to.

If ds is saying daddy do it, I would say I would really like to help but OK and walk away and get dh. Dh would probably tell ds that it was his turn to dress him yesterday and he will dress him tomorrow but today the options are mummy does it or he does it himself cos its dh's turn to make breakfast and mummy's turn to help him - if he gets dressed really quickly - he can go and help dh.

Is the preference thing causing a problem - it did with us for a long time and the more I fought it the worse it became until finally I adopted the attitude that its OK to prefer daddy (although it broke my heart) and I am going to allow you to prefer daddy, but show you how much I love you and keep telling you that I would like to help. Ds has now mostly outgrown daddyism and will even come to me now if he falls over.

She has always preferred Daddy. It is the reason I took a year and bit off work so that dd and I could get closer. It did improve our relationship but obviously she still prefers Daddy. It does really hurt and coincidently I was just thinking yesterday that maybe that is just the way it is going to be and that has to be ok. But bloody hell does it hurt. I just find it all soooo complicated. My ds was so much more straight forward! Dh is definitely the fun one and much better at playing than I am. Suppose that is what I should force myself to do more of but I just don't enjoy it. Spent too many years at home with ds and now dd doing it!

Thank you again. you are giving me loads of food for thought and helping me to hopefully get to the bottom of all the issues.

After this morning I think we are going to tackle the sleeping alongside the behaviour. Might as well go for broke! Family conference scheduled for this evening.

Goodluck!!