Issues with a friend and her parenting

[sparkleandsunshine]

Ok this is my first post and it's a long one! Am I in the wrong?

One of the couples in our group has a little boy (the guy is one of my partners close friends and his gf but we all hang out together) he is 2.5 years old. His mum doesn't like to tell him off (by her own admission because she says he needs to always know she is his friend) and he's really naughty. He laughs if they say he can't have something and always gets it anyway, he hits adults and other children, he will tell you he wants something and if you don't do it immediately or understand and ask him to say it again he will scream, throw things and hit.

She always says she can't keep up with him (he runs around a lot and she's quite big and says she hasn't got the energy) and if we ever do anything as a group she will tell me (not ask, tell) to watch him and she'll go relax! Then if he plays up, I'm not allowed to say anything to him or stop him but I also get the blame if he's naughty!!

Now I've got a 3 month old. She insisted on her and her partner and little boy all coming round to see us the day after we got out of hospital even though I told her we needed a little time as a family and most of our families hadn't met my little girl yet. I had had an emergency c-section and had failed at my attempt at breastfeeding and just in general was exhausted and emotional.

They came round and immediately had to have the TV on CBeebies and turned up really loud to keep their boy happy, they covered our living room floor in toys and told us that they were praying it would keep him entertained. Then they ignored him, he went round our house kicking the walls and stairs. Picking up our belongings and throwing them on the floor and they just left him to it, and when he did come over to them they sent him away and praised him for playing nicely!
When he eventually got bored of tearing up our house he noticed my baby, who was in the arms of my partners mate. He straight away picked up a ball and went to throw it at her, I reached out and grabbed his wrist before he threw it, spun him round to face me, took the ball away and told him "no you can't throw things at her, she is too little, you need to be gentle". He went crazy screaming and hitting me over and over. His mum finally intervened by turning him away and saying she would play with him and how good he was being!

They left soon after but it quite upset me and she text me after saying that my telling him not to throw was needed but she didn't like me telling her son off! I didn't tell him off, I was calm and just put him right! She should have done something about it.

Anyway we saw them again a little while after and I'd had some problems with my section wound splitting opening which they know about, her boy was doing his usual running around hitting people, and he hit me three times in 2 hours in my section scar which caused some bleeding.
We decided not to see them until I was fully healed rather than talk to her about it which we knew would cause a row.
Then she said she was planning to see us at a friends birthday which we had already committed to. So I politely said about the scar and the hitting and bleeding, and that I was going to mention to everyone that I needed to be careful, but would she mind keeping an eye on her son or having a little chat with Him before the event to hopefully make sure it didn't happen again.
I got back texts with torrents of abuse where she didn't deny that her son hit me but said that there was no way a toddler hitting me in my wound would do any damage and that there was no way he had caused it! She said that I am a different person now I've had a baby and I am not allowed to judge her parenting! But I wasn't judging! I just asked her to watch him, which I think is ok because he's her son!!!
Now there is a rift in the group and she says she will never speak to us again. That's ok by me but I don't like the rift and I don't want my partner and his mate to fall out.
The mate rang me and said he agrees with me and that she is just very protective of their son, and if he could get her to apologise could we get over it and I said yes of course.
He just got back in touch with me and said he has done everything he can to get her to apologise and she won't, so if I apologise to her then it might fix the problem.
But I don't want to apologise, I don't think I've done anything wrong, everyone in our group tiptoes around her because she's hot headed and it's not fair!
Should I apologise?
Sorry for the essay

I wouldn't worry about your DD growing up to think it's unfair that her DS can do whatever he wants. In my experience, children feel much more secure when they understand what the boundaries are. It's more likely that she'll be proud of behaving herself and will be telling you how naughty your friend's DS is.

Make the best of it: this child is awful and it's his parents' fault. He will grow up spoilt and unhappy and be dangerous around your child and property and a bad influence. Be polite but don't make up with her and spend time with her and her child again.

Good god, you have been more patient than I would have been. Sorry to hear about cs opening up, I had that and it's hideously painful.
You have not lost anything, she has. She is very lucky someone hasn't been very frank in their opinion of her parenting. Frankly this kid needs boundaries and quickly.
Do not apologise. Why would you?!

I would just see her in a public place. One of my friends had a little child who was never watched when I was with her, she just let others do it and her dc never learned to be gentle with her children. She sounds selfish and it's bad manners to visit another woman's home without picking up the phone and checking beforehand especially when there's small children and there's been a recent hospital stay

• gentle with other children

You've done nothing wrong! Don't you dare apologise!!

She has chosen to isolate herself; it's her bed, let her lie in it. Maybe she'll grow up a little.

It's not your fault she's isolated. Her dp needs to tell her that other people won't put up with their children /themselves being hurt or their belongings being damaged and her not doing anything to stop him. And that's without mentioning her reactions to people who try to stop him.
Those people are getting / have got fed up with her lack of parenting and are naturally withdrawing from contact.

Your dp needs to tell him that actions (or lack of) have consequences if they don't step up and parent him her and dc will stop being invited anywhere. Nobody is going to stand there and let their child be hurt to save her feelings.

This woman is not a friend. Her own fault she is isolated her stubbornness and bad manners have caused this. The little boy sounds like a nightmare.

For heaven's sake, DO NOT apologise to that cow! You've done nothing wrong! BTW you have the patience of a bloody saint. I would have lost my temper aaaaaages ago. Just reading your story made me feel hugely irritated by that cow and her brat.
I am sorry but you are a pushover and are way too nice and apologetic with the cow and the little brat. You are not obliged to entertain them, let alone have them in your house. I's rather eat catshit than apologise to her. Fuck her!

Don't apologise! You've been incredibly understanding, especially after this brat hit you in your scar and his dreadful mother failed to discipline him, then acted like it was your fault for making a fuss. I've seen this type of thing before and I can assure you he will get worse and eventually SHE will be the one who suffers the worst by far. She'll have a big aggressive disobedient boy she can't control and who doesn't respect her or care about her feelings at all, and she will have made her own life a misery. I won't say you'll have the last laugh but, yeah, you will! ;) I read in your last update that you were worried that your DD might feel it's not fair she can't also act this way...no chance of that. In time I bet your DD will look at him as a horrible 'naughty boy' and will instinctively know that his mummy always looks stressed and the whole situation is uncomfortable compared to the nice certainty of her own home life with you where she has clear boundaries and a calm mother-child relationship.

You're 100% in the right and she's in the wrong. I'd leave the men to meet up alone. I can't believe this brat hit you in your scar and she defended him. If it helps, he'll get worse and she will end up being the main target of his aggression and bad behaviour, by which time it will be too late and her life will be hell. Shouldn't laugh! ;) And don't worry that your DD will want to emulate him or feel jealous of what he gets away with. It's most likely she will dislike him as a 'naughty boy' and will feel uncomfortable around him, preferring the nice clear boundaries and consistent parenting she gets from you.

Oops, double post trying to paraphrase what I said it the first place! ;)

I wouldn't extend an olive branch.
Her best friend the toddler will just snatch it away and whack you round the head with it.
And she'll laugh and go "boys, eh?"

Ok, so since I told her DP that I am very happy to be civil or we can just ignore her if there is a big social event but otherwise we won't be spending time with her SHE has sent me more messages!
Now saying that if I am hurt because of things that happened to me whilst I was healing then it entirely my fault, I should have been more careful and should not have socialised or left the house until I was completely healed!
I'm getting annoyed now, I made sure once 4 weeks had passed that I got out of the house everyday even if it was just a 10 min walk around the block, because I felt that was healthy, now she is saying if I'm hurt in anyway it's because I have done too much and I shouldn't blame a child! But I never said a word to her or him about how she didn't react, I just asked her to try and make sure it didn't happen at this next event.

She also put in the message that all 2 yr olds behave like hers and that's just life and that my DD would be exactly the same! But I don't think that's true! I'm hoping I'll have the strength to discipline and be strict if there's bad behaviour, and hopefully it'll work.

Also just an aside- I haven't messaged her since the original messages, she has obviously spoken to her DP and heard I won't apologise so has decided to stick her oar in again

All 2 year olds don't behave like that ive seen very few in all my years around young kids who do. The only thing shes right about that its not her sons fault it's hers for not being a parent.

Ignore her shes not worth it.

God what a twat she is.

i think she''s done you a favour

Another vote for don't apologise. End the friendship.

I'm outraged that she would impose on you when you were recovering from a section! Let alone bring her unruly toddler. Please block her number and don't give her any more of your time.

Neither of mine acted like that at 2; in fact they would have been wide-eyed with astonishment around another 2yr old acting that way.
Basically this woman is a dickhead and you need to protect yourself & your DC from her and her lack of parenting.
Text her and tell her never to contact you again.
Leave the 2 males to pursue their friendship.

I ran a very busy playgroup and can assure you, the only 2 year olds that acted like that were the ones who had parents very similar to your friend, OP. The rest were well behaved.
Sadly the problem with those toddlers is that they grow older and start attending nursery and school and the bad behaviour then becomes the problem of all the poor children who end up getting their toys snatched, their skin bruised, scratched or bitten and their necks strangled. They get their work ripped up and building block towers smashed down. Yes I'm speaking from bitter experience. I've heard and seen time and time again how teachers will pick which bad behaviours to discipline those children for so that they child isn't being constantly disciplined all day long.

Block her asap and be happy that she has taken herself out of your group of friends. Your friends will probably be relieved secretly too. At least there's two years between your kids so you won't have to put up with them in the local groups and nursery.

You may realise that you were a bit harsh when your own dc reaches toddlerhood. HoweverI don't think you were unreasonable at all to intervene with the ball, nor should you be expected to tolerate his destructive behaviour in your home. Toddlers can be hard work and achieving a balance between discipline and encouraging independence difficult. She may simply be at a loss at to how to set and reinforce boundaries. It is really unrealistic to expect a 2 yo to be spoken to and remember to be careful of your wound for example, that is what his parents should be aware of and ensure he is supervised.

You may realise that you were a bit harsh when your own dc reaches toddlerhood

Ha, unlikely I suspect The OP isn't judging the toddlers behaviour, just the ineffectual parents. I'm amazed at her self restraint in putting up with it as long as she did.

I really don't understand how you've tolerated this. If this child were older, these incidents ought to have been considered assaults. If no-one stops him (and his arsehole parents clearly won't - yes, I'm judging the father, too), what (not who) is he going to turn into?

I didn't think I was harsh, I told her that I was mentioning to all of her friends that I needed to be careful, and just asked that she keep an eye or speak to him, I only put about speaking to him because she always says that while she never tells him off she tells him how to behave and he always wants to please mummy.
I didn't say anything about him destroying other people's things or being violent around other children.
I have blocked her, if I'm honest she really wasn't a friend after an incident a few months ago when our friends announced their pregnancy and said they didn't deserve to have a second child before her because she had been trying longer.
When they lost the baby at 20 weeks she said to me "they didn't deserve it anyway, they haven't been trying as long as me".
I told her that I didn't agree and they were devastated and she wasn't interested in talking to me after that.

Blocked her now, thanks everyone, I feel much happier about what's happened x