2.8 year old saying go away all the time

[MummyWuks]

Long time lurker but wanted to post tonight as becoming upset by this.

My daughter (2 years 8 months) can be loving and affectionate but also tests boundaries constantly and will never respond to s suggestion to stop doing something. Often the house is trashed at the end of the day and I have 3 hours housework. I do not like to raise my voice or tell her off and I let go minor transgressions. She does not do this at nursery or with other people and only does it for me.

If I try to distract her or play with her I am told to "go away". She particularly does it in favour of her brother and says she loves him or nanny not mummy. When I say it makes me sad to be told to go away she laughs. A couple of times I have ended up crying after a long day of her throwing toys at me on purpose and hitting and biting me. Then she laughs when I tell her off even saying "more hurt mummy"

I would like the advice on best strategy - I obviously can't ignore anything unsafe but should I ignore it when she says go away as telling off seems to encourage her to do it more?

I would definitely ignore her when she says this. If you are in a situation where you can leave her, like in the middle of a game, I wouldn't ignore it, I'd go and make a and actually leave her by herself.

Just out of interest, what do you do if she hits, throws things st you or bites?

I tell her that it is not nice and to stop. Then she usually laughs and does it again. Sometimes she will say sorry, but if I try to coax a sorry she will smirk or say she's not sorry.

I have resigned myself to a certain amount of mess and notice it correlates to how bored she is. She has a short attention span for toys. However much I say not to touch or be messy she will ignore me but she does know to tidy up and I've seen her do it at playgroups and nursery.

Leaving by herself works when she is alone but if others are in the house she hardly notices I'm gone or makes the association why and just carries on playing with the other person.

When she throws toys at you, put them away and tell her why.
When she bites and hits you, say 'no' in a firm voice, take her hands and stroke them and tell her to have 'gentle hands, kind hands'.
When it's time to tidy up, get her to help you, I sing a silly song 'it's tidy up time, tidy up time, let's put all the toys away' and get DGS to collect all the cars or all the books and we put them away together.

I would ignore her too when she tells you to go away.

I think you may need to be a bit firmer if she's biting, hitting or trying to hurt you. Have you read this by Dr Sears?. Have you tried the No-cry Discipline Solution too?

How messy is the house getting? A child left to their own devices is going to cause mess, but is it more than that? Can you include her in activities, like if you are cooking get her to help with measuring or stirring?

Is she still napping too? She sounds like tiredness may be p,aging a part in her behaviour.

And how often is she at Nursery?

I think you need to be less needy and more daft. If you're wanting to chase cuddles, be a monster and extract them with your brain sucker!

Mmmmmmm persuading and negotiating with pre schoolers causes them to,be confused and think they are in charge. I would definitely say you need to be more assertive and firmer in your boundary setting. More work now means less work later and all that....
if she throws toys take them away.
If she hits it's time for naughty step/naughty chair/clearly cross mummy rather than upset mummy.
You need to stop appeasing and start being in charge. They are happier for it in medium and long term. She may find transition from mummy she is in charge of to mummy being in charge a little difficult but worth persevering.

Thank you for all the helpful replies. You are right, I feel silly for being needy but it does hurt because I really love her. I do try to be daft and we do a lot of silly songs. When she is on her own she can be distracted by joining with me but with DS or play gates they work together and it's more fun to make mess. I never leave them to their own devices bar popping to loo etc. Sometimes I may be doing something where they are in eyesight but not alone.

The "go away" is the main thing I was trying to stop at the moment as it's become a habit now to say it whenever she doesn't like something eg if shoes are on wrong foot and I have to change them, wrong bowl chosen etc.

Nursery 3 days a week. Dropped nap as with it she is awake until midnight sometimes.

I'd still ignore the go away if you have to get out, but if you can, just remove yourself from the room.

Does she have to go to nursery 3 says a week? My first thought when I read she was saying "go away" is that this is a child who spends a lot of time in nursery.

Yes, I have to work and she enjoys being there and I always get reports of how much she's enjoyed the day. In an ideal world I'd be a stay at home mum until school age but not possible as a single parent on a lowish income.

That's fair enough then

I think I will buy that book, it looks a good one.

Hope you find it useful. Have you managed to read the Dr Sears article yet?

Yes, it's been helpful to read - as have you. Thank you so much