My 19 month old and newborn - sobling jealousy

[Ab87]

Hi all. I really need advice or just kind words or reassurance. It's 3am and hemsre I am. i should use the opportunity to sleep but I feel too down right now.

So we all co sleep/ co share room in our one bed flat. My 19mo son sits up, starts crying and expects me to bring/lay him back and comfort him to sleep but i got so annoyed with this repeat behaviour tonght i ignored him. I hoped he would just lie down and go backto sleep next to me.

Unfortunately h3 cried and woke newborn daughter up who is one month old.
Then I had to breastfeed her and all the while hes lying next to me and crying. Because he wants me to hold him (with one arm / hand patting) but every time I needed to re latch I needed to use my hand and he would go mad again.

This lasted ages and ages. Eventually i gave her to my husband once she finished feeding and comforted him and hes ok but then she was whimpering as she was falling asleep and I really wanted to comfort and cuddle her but i had to let her stay wth ger dad because if at that point I got her then 19mo would start crying too because he already feels left out and dropped which is why I think he behaves like this. By the way my son insists on me patting or holding him more so during the nights when he sees I'm feeding her.

Nothing works. Eg telling him to waitand explaining. Being firm. Telling him off (dad) etc

I feel really really down. I'm torn between my babies and can't comfort either of them properly when they need me. I just feel so sad. My baby boy is sad. My sweet newborn is sad and notgetting the attentionshe deserves from me. And i cant make either of them feel better .

Has anyone experienced this and will it ever get better? When? How long does this last?

You're doing the best you can, it's a big change for all of you and will take your toddler time to adjust. Could daddy cuddle him while you feed the baby? It will pass but it's exhausting at the time xxx

No advice, but just to say you're not alone, I have a 6 week old and a 3yr old, 3yr old has always been happy to play by himself a lot of the time with his trains/cars etc until baby came along, now when I feed the baby (breastfed too) he suddenly wants me to play and gets upset when I can't, when he sees I'm trying to get the baby to sleep - that's when he wants hugs, at bedtime we have a meltdown because the baby is still awake or downstairs and he has to go to bed. He's so loud whenever we get the baby to sleep he wakes her up within 10 minutes - I feel like I'm constantly saying no because of the baby/don't do that because of the baby. Hard isn't it xx

It doesn't sound like jealousy to me, just disruption to your son's status quo? Maybe time to move the older child into his own bed?

I don't have any experience of this but I'm pregnant and have moved dd (9mths) into her own bed/ room in preparation for maybe needing to have the new baby in bed with us.

No real advice here just reassurance that it will get easier. Our age gap is similar but we're nearly 4 months down the line. Dc1 is much better at waiting now and dc2's needs have become less urgent so she can take a turn to wait now too so it feels fairer.

There are still times when they're both crying and you feel awful having to leave one to fix the other first but it's less frequent now and I guess necessity has hardened me to it a bit.

You're at the very worst bit where everyone is adjusting and your hormones are all over the place, it will get much easier very quickly.

Actually I do have advice. I try never to say no because of the baby, rather I need to do this first and then I'll do x with you. Lots of reassurance and cuddles.

Singing distracts my dc1 really well and can be done while feeding. Old Mcdonald, wheels on bus etc. He also loves to help so giving him jobs like can you fetch the wipes etc then giving lots of praise if he does it.

Have some favourite toys, books, stickers by your usual feeding seat so if your ds wants to go to him to play you can give an alternative sat with you rather than just saying no.

Our rule is if it's just a bit annoying and not dangerous and it's keeping him quiet then we turn a blind eye to toilet roll shredding or tupperware cupboard emptying. Means to an end to be able to finish seeing to dc2. And actually now it doesn't get a reaction of my immediate attention, he's stopped doing those things as much.

It gets better!

DD is two months old now, there's 16 months between her and DS. We had some awful days in the first month. We love-bombed DS - cuddles and kisses whenever we could, even when tantruming. We thought that at such a young age most of the behaviour was probably down to insecurity so we did whatever we could to make him feel secure.

Also, DS got chicken pox when DD was about 3 weeks old and we spent four days on the sofa in our PJs cuddling and watching fireman bastard Sam. It seemed like it gave us time to work out what was going on without any distraction. That there was plenty of room for both of them. DS started kissing and cuddling DD.

He still has moments when he wants DD to piss off our attention and gets frustrated being asked to wait but mostly he's great with her now. He's a lovely brother.

Give it time. Keep explaining what you're doing and cuddle him as much as possible.

We have a similar gap but youngest is two yrs now.
We use to try and seperate so oldest and OH went to the living room to sleep on a mattrest on the nights he woke up.
Also avoided saying oldest couldnt do something because of the baby and tried to make sure the youngest wasnt always first to be comforted etc. Although we also gave the oldest more independance - left out a snack bowl, taught him how to get a drink of water, etc.

It gets easier, and you learn how to carry them together which helps of course.

Yes to carrying them together. In a bid to avoid tantrums we all go everywhere together. Whether I need the toilet, have left my phone upstairs, need to grab a bib from the pile in the next room we all go. It takes AGES to do anything but I console myself that it's probably quicker and more painless than a tantrum.

Thank you everyone. Just seems it's something to ride out. Thank you for responding. Xxx