Bonding with son!

[user1492214348]

I really need to know if it's all in my head or not! So basiclly I had my rainbow baby boy in January at 30 weeks, he spent a few weeks in neo-natal and then came home, but since being born I've really struggled to bond with him! I have this really bad fear he will pass away or I will wake and find him dead I've lost twin girls at 23 last year and I think that's preventing me from bonding and causing me to have this crazy fear/paranoia
He had an episode of not breathing a couple weeks back and was in hospital for 5 days but now I'm so terrified of doing anything with him! (I was home alone at the time partner had taken 2 year old to the park) it's causing so much strain in the relationship as I don't want to be left alone with him so I go where my partner goes, he's getting very annoyed about this as he says I'm starting to become annoying, please tell me am I crazy or what?

Not crazy just in need of support.
I would urge you to seek support from a professional it's understandable why you are behaving like this after suffering a loss however it's clear from your post that you have not addressed this loss and you risk passing all this anxiety and trauma onto your newborn child which isn't fair on him.

See GP/Health Vistor and say exactly what you said on here
Counselling for the trauma you have experienced in order to process and come to terms with it may be advised

I don't think this is crazy at all but I do think you need to speak to your HV or GP about your feelings and get some rl support. My dd was conceived after a miscarriage and many years of secondary infertility. I spent the whole pg convinced something would go wrong, when she was born I immediately asked if she was alive. It took me a long time to accept she was here and mine because it just felt like something would snatch her away. The fact your ds was early and then went back to hospital would of course also affect your anxiety and feelings.

I had postnatal anxiety when she was around six months mainly over her feeding and me feeling like I couldn't keep her well fed. I also realised with the help of my HV that I was putting so much pressure on myself to be thankful and overjoyed I had her that I was mentally crucifying myself if I had days I found her hard work.

We are in a much much happier place now. All babies are wanted, rainbow babies are like little miracles though but I feel this can also make bonding and being their mum emotionally tough. You will bond with your ds but if you need professional support to get there that is fine. My dh didn't get it all either but he accepted I needed help.

You aren't crazy for starters. It sounds like you have been through some truely traumatic and scary times, so sorry for your losses. I'm no expert at all but it sounds like by not forming a close bond with your son you are in some way protecting yourself if the worse were to happen, like keeping your guard up at all times. I'm sure that bond will come and will be wonderful when it does but please speak to a professional in the meantime and get some support, maybe some counselling. Have you told your partner your fears? Maybe you put on a front that doesn't show how deeply you have been affected. The bond will come but I'm really not surprised you don't feel it yet. If I'm honest i didn't bond with my own child straight away. It is more common than a lot of people realise. Please don't be hard on yourself. X

Thank you everyone, I have tried to talk to my partner but to be honest he's not supportive, he says that I'm over reacting and that I need to get a grip because I'm acting like a child, he also goes on to say that me acting like a child is very stressful for him and it isn't fair on his emotions and that maybe if I had been more careful in my pregnancy I.e doing this or not doing that the twins might still be here today, he says he went through the same but trying to explain to him that yes he lost his daughters too but he didn't have to carry them he didn't have to have the morning sickness all the pregnancy symptoms etc that what I feel is different to what he felt, he just doesn't quite seem to understand this and it's rather frustrating for me 🙁

It is rather unfair to blame the loss on you. It does sound as though neither of of you have come to terms with it yet. Has he been offered any counselling?

I totally agree with the others. Please go to the GP on Tuesday and tell them exactly what yiu said in your first post.

Has anyone told you about SANDS? I'd urge you to contact them today