I have the most stubborn dd2 on the planet..... what would you do?

[dolally]

She's intelligent and funny, but does not forgive easily or know how to choose her battles.... very intolerant.. She hasn't spoken to dd1(14) for about a month because of some falling out they had(can't remember what it was, doubt if they can either!) DD1 doesn't care either way but I do wonder if we're not a totally disfunctional family.... I have tried everything to make her see that she's exaggerating... and have also tried ignoring it. When she asks me something about the computer etc.. I say "I don't know ask dd1, she knows lots..." but she won't, she'd rather stare uncomprehendingly at the computer than do it. I've told her she's punishing herself and me not just dd1.

It makes me rather sad as I always thought they'd be such friends. Should I cancel a weekend in London that I promised her ages ago, unless she forgets this quarrel or will that just make her feel like a martyr for a just cause....? It's not just for me, I truly would like her to learn a little more balance in her emotions.

I have grumbled about this before so sorry if repeating myself[smile)

oops messed up my

how old is your DD2?

she's 11 biglips, and the middle child.

going out now, will check back later.

Could she be hormonal and hitting puberty?
Will she respond to some 1-1 time with you?
FWIW I would't cancel trip, it might be the thinking time she needs. Is it a family trip or w friends? What does dd1 think about her sis? You just have to tell yourself that even if they don't like each other now, chances are they'll be best buds in 10yrs.
What else is going on in your family that might be relevant (other sibs getting lots of attention eg). Give us a bit more backgground and we'll think more buut afraid it sounds like early teenism... Good Luck.

bump

ta for replies, didn't get back yesterday....when I finally got back to the computer at 21.30 ... it crashed!

Yes maybe hormones come into it though dd2 has always been more volatile than the others and VERY stubborn. I know that underneath it all she's very soft hearted and a little afraid... probably this non-speaking thing is the only way she can get some control over her big, bossy, sis.

Other than that she's fine, she has a good relationship with me,dh,dd3 and the dogs too, and has plenty of friends and interests.

I have explained to her that the problem with being angrywith someone is that in the end You suffer more than the one your angry with. I told her forgiveness doesn't mean that what the other person did was OK, it just means that you can get on with your life. I have been EXTREMELY PATIENT - trying to let her resolve the issue within herself.. with a little philosophical input from me. I even told her that if a school friend did this to her it would be extremely cruel.

DD1 is fairly easy going, and doesn't seem to care if dd2 talks to her or not, but I think even she is getting sick of it.

Feel free to ignore me as my eldest is only 7 and her sister is only 18mths so the sibling rivalry thing is all new to me but i was a teenager with a sulky sister and its not nice. I would blow up then 5 mins later be fine but she would sulk for hours and my dp used to sulk after arguements too and tbh its rude, ignorant and i will not tolerate it at all so........

What would I do? If this is me in 5 yrs time.....

I wouldn't allow dd2 to behave like this, i insist my dd's treat each other with total respect and love - i know im not always going to get this (i dont live in a bubble) but what if you say to dd2 that long term she could damage her relationship with her sister and a sister is a special bond you don't get with many other people and if something happened to dd1 she would feel really bad she wasn't more involved with her, she can never get back this past month what a waste of time to be angry for a silly reason for so long.

What about putting them in a situation where she has to speak to her?

It's a ridiculous situation, i would start with the talking etc but if nothing works i would start taking away privilidges why should you let her have nice things like the trip etc if she can't make things up with her sister, as you said she's punishing you too so high time you started punishing her for making you all live in an atmosphere. How long does she intend to keep this up?

Sorry if im not very helpful, i never have been understanding of sulking and i just cant stand it at all its silly and childish (yes i know she is a child but she is growing up and she cannot learn this is acceptable behaviour) what about when she grows up and has a job and one of her collegues annoys her, you have to get on with it.

For what its worth as well, my sister and i used to fight like cat and dog and are completely chalk and cheese but now im 25 and shes 27 we get on really really well, she's one of my best friends.

thanks lmg... very helpful to get your ideas

and yes, it is a form of sulking... or in fact it IS sulking. And what they usually say about sulking is to ignore it. Which we've done... but I think I'm getting to the point where this is, as you say, rude, cruel and just unacceptable. That's why I'm wondering whether to give up on the laidback approach....I need to find an appropriate consequence for her. Not just a heavy punishment...that just makes her dig her heels in further!

lmg you and your sis sound exactly like dds, one blows up then it's over, the other sulks for hours.... days...........weeks.................aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh

any other ideas anyone?

Going to do kitchen see ya later.

bump...

she's done this to the whole family.... (not all together! that would be inconvenient for her!!) with dd3(9) I threatened her with cancelling her summer school trip, mainly because dd3 kept complaining "ma-um dd2 keeps ignoring me"... that worked.

When she did it to dh, eventually she just gave up because he was taking her and dd3 away for the weekend, so she had to speak to him. DD1, being 14, is pretty wrapped up in her own world and is not particularly bothered about dd2's approval, or lack of it. Still it can't be good for either of them can it?

tiny little bump... any more ideas? I took them all for a quick pizza last night (dh away) The 3 kids managed to share a big delicious pizza without dd2 saying one word directly to dd1, ..... so with 4 of us there you would hardly notice what's going on! DD1 just carries on as normal talking to me and dd3....

ok - i have no real experience with this, but i would take one of 2 approaches
1- either continue to ignore her behaviour. sooner or later she will get bored with it or speak to dd1 out of forgetfulness
or
2- start ignoring her. turn her own tactics back on her. taker her on the london trip but make it clear you won't speak to her directly etc etc. won't be much fun for you i know but she needs to understand that her behaviour is unacceptable.

either way, she obviously feels some great wrong has been done to her, and maybe that needs to be resolved first?

like i say, i have no experience of this age girl at all (other than i used to be one!)

hope she sorts herself out soon!!

thanks theurban. You're right, I will have to pick one of those two options, or variations of them. Yes, I'm sure she does feel a wrong has been done to her and that she has no choice but to remove her friendship from dd1. I think there are two factors that have made this go on so long 1) that dd1 just ignored her back, so she had no opportunity to start talking again, and 2) that she is never in a situation where she HAS to talk to her sister, there's always someone else around.

Will try all your suggestions.