Hello,
I've come across this thread a few times while googling various things, and thought it might be the best place to get some insight on something I'm struggling with.
I am a 22 year old girl, in my final year of University currently. I left home at 16 due to a rocky relationship with my mother. (the topic in question I'd like some advice on). I was in a very abusive relationship at this time also, which included, sexual, domestic and verbal abuse.
Since 16, I have not lived with my mother, and although our relationship has improved, I loathe to say I am still angry at her. My mother suffered with depression all her life, and I remember as a child feeling like my mother was there, but not, very emotionally withdrawn and certainly not in tuned to my emotional welfare whilst growing up.
I do feel guilt about my anger because I do understand that she loves and cares for me, and does suffer with a mental illness (which she has never medicated herself for) but I remain disappointed and resentful under the surface. I found her to be too concerned over prolonging relationships with useless men (my father), and full blown alcoholics to notice what I believed to be obvious signs her child was being raped and abused. I never told anyone until about 14, so for a long time I was acting out in all kinds of ways you can imagine, and no one had a clue why. Getting drunk, sneaking out, yelling etc etc. When I was 17 or so my mother came under financial difficulty and had to sell our family home. I hate to say it but I'm angry at her for this too. With all my friends having secure places to go back to after graduation. I feel like I am left to wander aimlessly with no security, she rents a 1 bed flat in Bournemouth currently, though is currently looking to move in with her newest partner, who seems to have a house. Though I know for a fact I won't ever be staying round like it's my "home", so it makes no difference.
She tries much harder now and offers me as much financial support as she can, and very often tops me up when I run out of money etc, and also is paying for my private therapy sessions. (As I struggle with mental health myself). So I acknowledge this, but there is a bitter nasty part of me that seems to overcast my gratitude that thinks 'well, I wouldn't need this therapy if you didn't fuck up so badly, choose useless men, and fail to properly treat your depression even when your children's well-being depended on it'. Logically, I know this is an unfair assessment, but I can't help feeling that way.
It's all very brief and I'm sure you can gauge that there are various complexities and sides to the story. But I would really like some perspective from other mothers. What do I do? Will I ever be able to forgive her? Am I wrong for being angry in the first place, do I need to keep working on 'getting over it'? How could a mother miss/ignore when their child is in so much pain, was it really her depression, or did she deliberately turn a blind eye?
Is there any point in bringing this up with my mother again? A lot of this drama happened when I was 12-16, and I'm now 22 so it's 6 years onward, is it beating a dead horse at this point? I feel like everyone has many things to say on deliberately abusive parents, violent parents etc, but what about when your parent truly does love you, but still falls short.