DD2 aged 9 says "I have no friends".....

[theheadgirl]

My DD2 had a "best friend" in Autumn term, and I remember feeling a little concerned as the friendship seemed to exclude all other children. Just after christmas, they had an argument, as 9 yr olds do, leaving DD2 feeling no one else wants to play with her. When I ask her about things though, I think the problem is she just doesn't have the skills or confidence to approach others. When she does approach kids, in general she's included in whatever they're doing. However, occasional rejections, "no you can't play", are devastating to her, and basically she just wants others to come to her and ask her to join in. I've been trying to build up her confidence and suggest ways she can feel happy about approaching others, but she was adamant she didn't want me to talk to her teacher....
But without her knowing, I have just been to see the Dep Head about this, to explain that I feel DD needs some help, and an eye keeping on her. The teacher was fantastic, knew exactly where I was coming from, and had several brilliant ideas for "helping" her along with making and sustaining friendships, without DD knowing we've been discussing her. I just hope I've done the right thing. I can't bear to see her feeling so sad, when really I think she's just painfully shy - does anyone have experience/advice for this sort of thing?

My daughter is still brewing but I was just like your daughter at that age and was really plagued by shyness. Sometimes it came across as being stuck up, too, which was so painful.

I've thought a lot about how I will help my daughter if she is the same way and the one thing I know looking back is that the kids who had lots of friends throughout elementary, middle and high school were the ones who had extra curricular activities with children they would also see at school. Dance classes, soccer, gymnastics, community theater... I think the shared interests and activities made instant friends in and outside of school.

I wasn't dying to play soccer or do those other things but if my mom had spent five minutes encouraging me, or noticing how lonely I felt, things might have been different. I think you are wonderful to have spoken to the Dep Head and to be so concerned.

Thanks Diva, My dd has had a good day, found friends at breaktimes, has generally felt OK I think.
Good luck with the pregnancy

That's great! And thanks!

My ds is similar . He does have abest friend but is lost of bf is absent from school. his teacher has commented that he finds it difficult to join in with others and tends to stand on the outside looking in. My heart breaks for him. What strategies did your school suggest?

Bunny, the teacher asked for names of girls she occasionally plays with, and of these identified ones who were mature enough to take on a "buddy" role, and look out for DD2, and would invite her to join in if she was looking lost. Also, DD is v. good at literacy, but has not joined a lunchtime writing group the school does. I didn't know it existed, and DD thought it was just for Y6 pupils, which isn't true its for Y3-Y6. So the dep head is going to ask the teacher who runs the writing group to invite DD to join this. Along with netball, which she already does, this will give her things to do at 2 lunchtimes. I think all these things will boost her confidence. Are there any clubs and things at your DS's school?

He does a recorder club once a week but that is it, the school dont offer alot in lunchtime. I have tried encouraging him to do swimming lessons/ football/beavers etc as his classmates all seem to do lots of extra-curricular stuff and so meet and play outside of school too. Ds just isnt interested though, he likes to come home after school rather than attend another activity. We were chatting at lunch today and he said, once again, "I dont play with anyone anymore". I wanted to cry for him. I am seeing his teacher on Wednsday about this and some other concerns so I shall mention the "buddy" idea, I am not sure at 6 y/o they are able to do this but it's worth a try.

headgirl - mine was the same, although this was in Reception/Y1. She was popular enough to be asked to play, but preferred to play alone. The teacher thought it unusual enough to approach us about it. Some people are natural "loners" and won't have one special friend, but might just get on well with everyone.

The "buddy" thing sounds like a good idea. Maybe after she has had a bit more time to play with these girls, invite some of them home for tea?

UD - you're right that some people naturally prefer their own company, and if I felt this was the case with my DD i'd happily leave things be. But it seems the situation has developed since the falling out with the old best friend, and DD definately is not happy about it - she says to me "no one wants to play with me" I'm sure its just a confidence thing. I think you're right about inviting children round, we'll definately be doing that once she feels like there's someone she wants to come around.

Bunny, good luck with the meeting - its so hard to know when to step in and when to just stand back and see if things sort themselves.

headgirl - I hope the strategies you mentioned on your Friday post will work out. All the best with it.