To worry this will be all she'll remember about me

[lazzaroo]

I am really nervous writing this so please be gentle! I lost my temper with my dd, got shouty and she was smirking at me. I tapped her on the side of the face and said 'no. Don't laugh at me when I'm upset'. It wasn't a slap, but I feel sick about it. I immediately said I was sorry but I am convinced she's never going to forget it. I try so hard to be patient but feel like she knows how to wind me up. She is 7 years old and wonderful in so many ways, everyone says how delightful she is but I think she saves all her most challenging behaviour and attitude for me.

I don't really know what I expect anyone to say.

I was about your daughter's age when my mum smacked me. It was the only time she ever did and I still remember it now ,40 years later, not because it traumatised me, but because it made me realise just how awful I had been to my usually patient and lovely mum to make her snap like that.

It isn't high, not in England. Still totally legal to use "reasonable chastisement". That is true, but I do believe it's illegal to strike a child around the head.

Iazzaroo I beg of you to let this go with your DD. Don't mention it again. Don't make it a bigger thing than it is (or that makes it about you not her). You got it wrong, you made a mistake. Just as if your DD makes a mistake she'll want to say sorry and move on.... You made a mistake, you said sorry. For your sake and hers, do move on.

This incident will not traumatise her.

It is however a warning that you do act in anger. Recognise that feeling, and next time reign it in. And stop yourself, as you know, it's unacceptable.

That's what parenting is....doing better next time, and we keep doing our best. Analysing yourself and judging your own mistakes shows how much you want to get it right.

I don't think I will talk to her about it again. We talked about it at the time and a few minutes after when we were both less emotional.

I think first you need to stop using the euphemism 'tap' and acknowledge that you slapped her, on the face. A slap on the face isn't just violent, it's degrading - a way of putting someone in their place.

Your response and behaviour now will determine how she looks back at this. You've apologised - that's good. I hope there wasn't a 'but' involved? I have never hit my cildren, but on occasion when I have been pushed too far and really shouted at them, for example, I make sure my apology explains but doesn't excuse. 'I felt you had gone too far and (not 'but!') I was wrong. I should have behaved differently. I'm sorry.'

Yes to walking away in future. Perhaps with a clear verbal signal such as 'I am going to have to walk away now as I am very angry indeed'.

I think it IS possible for an incident like this to dent the safety/security internal knowledge of a child, but then so might a fire alarm going off unexpectedly!

The point is that shit happens and guilt serves no useful purpose beyond determining that you will do everything in your power to avoid a repeat (which you already have - so you can let it go).

So be a little watchful to see if she is showing signs of insecurity, and do what you can to rebuild her confidence if necessary.

It sounds like your response in the moment was very strong and likely to have massively reduced the chances of knocking confidence. You can be very proud of that. Children should know we can make mistakes too.

I'm not saying it's right, I was just disagreeing that it was illegal, because it isn't. If you can point me to the Act or authority which says a slap on the face doesn't count as reasonable chastisement I will stand corrected chastened

It's ok to make a mistake, reinforce that you love them, apologise for the mistake, reinforce that you love them, admit that adults don't always get things right, reinforce that you love them, and move on.

In the nicest possible way you're being OTT OP. You need to read about some real child abuse cases and it will put this in some perspective for you.

It was a gentle tap. You didnt hit her. Maybe you feel you've overstepped your own boundaries and that's fair enough. Consider yourself told and resolve to you'll learn from this and handle it better next time. Have faith in yourself.

SovietKitsch - firstly it wasn't a slap it was a tap. Secondly it is illegal to hit anyone including children. Where the confusion comes in is that there is the defence of " reasonable chastisement " but you must show that reasonableness of your actions ( what other punishments were tried?). Of course this means you could still be arrested and Interviewed under caution to give your account of your actions. You also face the difficulty of justifying a blow to the head since they are technically considered aggravating factors. Another aggravating factor would be the use of an implement like a slipper to hit someone. I could go on but I won't. The OP should not be worried but parents need to stop being so nonchalant about the legality of striking their children without fully understanding what the law says.

The world has gone mad! A whole thread telling a mother who hit her daughter in anger not to be too hard on herself alongside a thread where someone feeling guilty about not trusting their dog is roundly condemned. I despair.

That being said children are not going to suffer a traumatic response or Be admitted into a psychiatric ward for PTSD because a generally loving parent shouts or loses their rag on an occasion - particularly when kids can be such little shits 😀

You 'tapped her' and it wasn't a 'slap'.

A tap - what, gently with one finger? Why would you worry about that?

If you had hit her, I could understand you being really upset. Or did you mean hit and not tap?

My mum hit me as a kid and tbh I don't even think about it - the shouting is more what I remember. And I still laugh when she gets mad I can't help it, it's funny .

She's 7 and you slapped her. You didn't beat or punch her....put it into perspective. She'll have forgotten about it long before you have. I would move on now, as it was said earlier in the post if you make a big deal about it she will remember it, you apologied, let that be the end of it.

If you feel this is something that could potentially happen again, think about anger management.

I lost my temper with my dd about 12 years ago. I clipped her round the head. I can't even remember why. I do remember I was so tired and running late and was going through a pretty stressful time. I hated myself (still do abit) my friend had to stop me reporting myself to ss. I've never done it since. never even come close to the feeling I had that day. Think it gave me good hard shock. She doesn't remember it either.
I know plenty of people hit their children as part of their discipline technique. But I don't. I lost my temper that's what scared me so much that I had lost control. I kept thinking what if I had something in my hand at the time. But as I said no lasting damage.
Just off to give her a massive kiss and cuddle now. She got an A* in her English mock exam today so I didn't cause any brain damage. (I was convinced I did at the time)

I think you should have one more talk with your daughter. Explain that you lost your temper and made a terrible mistake for hitting her on the cheek. Apologize again and also talk to her about her behaviour. Tell her you need to work as a team in communicating, and that respect goes both ways. After that, just let it go. This will not permanently affect her and you're only human. Your daughter seeing how you step up and maturely accept responsibility for your behaviour and actions will be an excellent life lesson for her.

Op don't be too hard on yourself. Kids are there to push you to the absolute brink & while I haven't ever hit my kids Ive wanted to at times! Most kids of my generation including myself were hit regularly by our parents, no big deal. (Not beat up now, a slap on the legs or similar) I wouldn't bring it up again, youve already dealt with it. Hopefully it will make you think twice & take a step back in future if you feel the tension biulding. 💐

You should be hard on yourself,but in a "this will never happen again" kind of way rather than "i ruined my child for life way". Also you should remember that feeling and what led up to it so you can avoid happening again by removing yourself from the situation.