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Parenting

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Original poster

Boyfriend co-sleeps with 11 year old son

44 replies

user1490448989 · 25/03/2017 13:55

My boyfriend and I have been seeing one another for about a year. I usually stay at his place 4/5 nights, then at mine about the same amount of time.

He has an 11 year old son from a previous relationship, who he has every Wednesday night and alternate weekends.

His son has a bedroom of his own at my boyfriend's place, but they both sleep in my boyfriend's bed together. This means that when I'm also there, I sleep in the son's bed in his bedroom, while the son and my partner share the master bed.

On the one hand, I think it's gorgeous that they have such a close relationship, and I know there's an element of 'making up for lost time' given that my boyfriend has limited time with his boy.

But at the back of my mind I can't help feeling like the boy is a bit big to be sleeping in his dad's bed every time he's over, especially given that he has a bed of his own. I've never heard of an 11 year old not sleeping on their own... but then again, I'm not a parent myself, so what do I know?! And that's why I wanted to check in here...

To begin with I just avoided being there and staying over when I knew his son would be there, because I felt so odd as a grown woman sleeping in a little-boy room when the little boy in question was next door!

But I don't want to avoid his son – I want to get to know him, so last night I stayed over, the boys went to bed together and I slept on the couch instead. Not great for privacy, but didn't feel quite so odd.

I'm the first relationship my boyfriend has been in for about 3 years, so I got the feeling last night that he was a bit sideswiped by how to deal with it. At first he suggested we all squeeze in together to watch a movie in bed, and I thought he was joking, so I laughed.

But then I heard him putting his son into bed and having what sounded like a conversation about me being in the bed too, saying that the sheets in his son's room weren't clean (his brother had stayed the night before). He then came into the kitchen and told me that his son had given him a weird look when he suggested us all sleeping together – and that he had only been kidding.

I think he's unsure of how to manage this situation, and he's such a loving and considerate guy, he got a bit overwhelmed with how to keep everyone happy last night. I want to support him to make sure his son always feels loved and secure, and if that means sleeping on the couch whenever he's over, then fine. But I've still got this niggle that at some point his son is going to need to move into his own room, either because he's a teenager or because I've been around long enough to not be a permanent couch-dweller!

Am I being unreasonable to think the child's a bit big for this, and to feel odd about sleeping in the child's bed? Is this me just being a bit selfish and not understanding what it's like to be a parent?

OP posts:

ladybee28 · 25/03/2017 16:08

(Just changed my username, OP here)

Thanks guys, I feel a lot less crazy now!

I think I'm a bit nervous about being the catalyst for a change in the son's life, and him resenting me being around if it means he doesn't get to share his dad's bed when I'm in the house.

But maybe that's just what this being-involved-with-a-parent means – having to weather those kinds of potential storms...

soapboxqueen · 25/03/2017 16:09

I don't think it is odd for them to share a sleeping space. There could be any number of reasons why it works for them and that is enough.

It is a bit odd for you though but I think you all sharing a bed isn't a great idea. You are not his parent and he may be very uncomfortable with it though he may not actually admit it.

I think it would make far more sense to just go home at night. Yes, stay to build up the relationship but just go home before bed.

More than likely he will grow out of it soon.

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2017 16:13

Going home may also drive your partner to do something about it to be honest, where as if you just sleep elsewhere in the house it may feel like you are normalising it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families General parenting

WeAllHaveWings · 25/03/2017 16:18

If he is still sharing when he is 18 then I'd think it odd, 11 not so much.

Guess you either need to sleep in the boys room, go home, or end the relationship until your bf or his ds decide they want to change their sleeping arrangements.

ODog · 25/03/2017 20:34

If my dad was away I would sleep in bed with my mum the whole time i lived at home (so until I was about 25). If we go on holiday with my parents we all (me, my adult brothers, DS and DD) get in their bed for tea in the morning before breakfast. DH thinks we are massive weirdos.

HeyRoly · 25/03/2017 20:42

It's a little bit Disney Dad, isn't it? Not the bed sharing per se, but that you are relegated to the sofa when the boy is there.

I'd rather just go home to my own bed.

I guess he'll not want to share with his dad for much longer, but (and this is going to sound pessimistic) if I were you I'd worry that there's always going to be an element of his son's needs automatically trumping yours.

divadee · 26/03/2017 10:30

Sorry. I find it really weird at 11. I have never co-slept even when my daughter's are teeny. Not that I find co sleeping with a baby weird it's the safety aspect for me. But at 11 they should be starting to get independent. Also I think this may be more for the dad than the son as he doesn't sleep in the same bed as his mum. So it's obviously not a comfort thing.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 26/03/2017 10:52

My ex would always sleep with her nan when her nan used 2 stay with us, she was 25, depends on how close they are, I doubt the OP's bf is dragging him 2 bed kicking and screaming so it must be mutual and such a sweet thing that they are so close

shineon · 26/03/2017 12:47

Hmm a bit weird at 11. I didn't want to be seen with my parents at that age let alone sleep with them! Is he a little immature for his age? I think it will come to a natural end in the next year or so when puberty hits & he wants some privacy! But meantime by all means spend time with them but go home to your own bed when he is staying over.

Wellington2012 · 22/07/2017 05:09

This post popped up as I was searching for some clarity from others. I have 2 children and have been in a yr long relationship with a man that has a 9yr old son. When his son comes to our home, I feel like the third wheel. His son plays shy, teases me relentlessly and I feel as if I lose my partners attention completely. He bends over backwards to accommodate his son, which includes him sleeping with him. I hate it!!! I feel at his age, he should be able to self stimulate and get himself to sleep in his own bed. I put my foot down with my kids and I don't agree with it....

SuperBeagle · 22/07/2017 05:22

I think it's very weird.

As is "putting the son into bed". He's eleven. How much help does he need?!

Italiangreyhound · 22/07/2017 05:47

Yes, i find it odd. It's not the norm in this country and if his mates knew at school I bet he would get teased.

Our dd came into our bed until she was 8, and it drove me made and was really annoying and was down to her own issues with sleep.

In your shoes I would raise this with your dh and encourage him to consider if this really is the best sleeping arrangement for his son. I would be quite surprised if the mum was also co-sleeping with the boy (can you find out?).

If your boyfriend decides it is time for the boy to sleep in his own bed, then I'd just encourage that to happen, you to stay on sofa until it is all established and then you to move into your boyfriend's bedroom at some point.

I think your boyfriend in co sleeping is keeping his son in a state of being quite 'young' when he visits, which may help your boyfriend in feeling part of the 'dad' role but is not doing the boy any favours at all.

Plus NO, you should not ever be all in the same bed together and your boyfriend needs to know this is a very bad idea. If you all want to watch a movie together you can do that on the sofa.

Amee1992x · 22/07/2017 05:54

I was 15/16 and loved nothing more than when my dad worked away and I could sleep in my mother's room!

RhubardGin · 22/07/2017 10:15

I'm just going to say it....I think it's fucking weird!

I couldn't date a man who did this, and it's not just a man thing either.

If a woman was still sleeping with her 11 year old child I would think it was bizarre.

Sorry OP, that just wouldn't sit right with me

Selene7 · 17/05/2020 22:09

I am in the same situation except my boyfriend's son is 13. He sleeps with his mom too. He has his own room but never sleeps in it so I sleep in the spare bedroom. I don't like it. I think it keeps the son psychologically stuck - he's not gone into puberty yet. It just seems like an unhealthy weird thing to do. In a few months he'll be 14. When is this going to end? I also feel like everyone knows and feels the strangeness of it, not just me, but no one can talk about it, so it just hangs there. Maybe because he's an only child and his parents feel guilty for divorcing, and they try to help him. But it makes me feel very uncomfortable to know they're sleeping right now in the bed my boyfriend and I had sex in a few hours before. And the boy being 13 is surely old enough to know what happens between adults in beds.

I prefer not to be here but my boyfriend and I don't get to see one another so often. His son lives closeby and they see each other at least half the week.

maryd84 · 18/05/2020 00:15

That is a really weird situation. Dont know why an 11 year old would need to sleep in a bed with a parent.

Even weirder is the suggestion that you sleep in the bed with your boyfriend and his son🙄

dadmode · 18/05/2020 13:36

Overall the situation is a bit odd..

I don't think co-sleeping at 11 once in a while is odd. When I was that age I slept in my mum's bed 2-3 nights per week (watching tv with her and didn't feel like relocating). Given the amount of time they have together I'd even say it's normal that they would always co-sleep.

But you having to sleep elsewhere (and not as a one-off but every time) is where it goes off the rails a bit. Your partner testing the waters about all 3 of you sharing a bed made me chuckle. It sounds like everyone involved is lovely though and this situation has just come about... kind of accidentally.

Have you discussed it with your boyfriend at all? I'd can imagine why you might not (you wouldn't want it to seem like you're complaining or viewing it negatively? but I'd personally suggest you try to broach the subject. Not as a serious discussion but just - "how would you feel about son sleeping in his own bed tonight so that I can be in with you?". Even if it doesn't happen it might give you some more understanding so you're not trapped in this level of uncertainty.

P.S: Kudos for being as considerate as you have been. While it is odd that you would have to sleep in his Son's bed/sofa, the fact that you have done so rather than putting any pressure on them says very nice things about you.

DivGirl · 18/05/2020 14:12

This is an old thread - the 11 year old would now be 15.

JonbonMoany · 18/05/2020 20:46

I think if this was a child sleeping in bed with their mum, there wouldn't be an issue. I think it's lovely.

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