Husband hurts my feelings

[Rugby01]

Hi there. I need some advice. I am a first time mum (late 30s) with a 4 month yo. My husband and I argue of course, like all new parents. But I'm so hurt as this time he called me 'amazing mum' in a sarcastic way, and imitated my voice as I spoke to my child, taking the mickey, because I was trying to soothe the baby as husband was shouting and raising his voice at me. These two things really upset me. Regardless of what the argument was originally about. I told him that was unkind and that I didn't do that to him and after that I have really closed off conversation about anything other than the child. He's sleeping in the spare room (not helpful for night waking by child - so it's left to me to deal with). I feel so hurt.

Incidentally the argument was started by me telling him I feel taken for granted and tired and lonely from doing everything regarding the child even at weekends (I called him home from a soccer match after it had finished - is that not unreasonable?? Doesn't he want to spend time with his child??). Like he gets to go to his social events (watching live sport, going to work events that are optional in the evenings) and I don't as I'm bfeeding at the moment. I don't mind that - but I do mind that he doesn't tell me that he knows the balance is off at the moment and that he appreciates it and that he'll pay me back etc . I just want to feel appreciated. And feel some sensitivity and love towards me. And I'd like him to say things like 'I'll come straight home afterwards' so I know he knows that what he's doing is a big ask. To top it all,I moved here to be with him about three years ago and I miss my friends and independence from my life before. I know lots of new mums here but it's not the same. Yet his life has barely changed, in my eyes. I am so sad and hurt by this and the most recent argument where he was so unkind. I don't know what my next move should be.

Any advice? Or anyone had similar?

I'm really sorry about this, it does sound really hurtful and I can understand why it's upset you. Your hormones will still be raging and you're experiencing such a massive change to your lifestyle, he needs to really support you right now. It got me down being tied to the baby while my DH was "free" when we had our first. Even though I loved DD1 so much I missed my freedom so much too. And I used to snap at my DH out of this jealousy, even though he was a lot more supportive than your DH sounds and luckily doesn't have any hobbies outside of the home or go to any after work things. I still found it very hard. There wasn't much he could do about it as I was ebf so there was a limit to what he could do. But at weekends and evenings he would do the lions share of house bits while I concentrated on baby.
I would grab any free time when baby was fed to the max to pass baby to him and have a bath, put some music on to drown out any baby noise so I could really relax. If there wasn't a bath, even a long shower felt like a treat! This time to myself really helped and I knew I was close and could be interrupted if absolutely necessary. Sometimes I'd take a little walk on my own if I was feeling brave and call a friend for a good chat. You're DH should be helping out as much as he possibly can around the house while you focus on baby and then when you're not on baby he should give you a break when he's around.
It is give and take though and he needs down time too, but you should have as much down time as him. He has no idea what it's like to be so tied down and he needs to try and emphasise.

*empathise

I'm sorry this is happening. How was your communication together before the baby? Could you talk openly and honestly without arguing? He's being an arse to be perfectly honest and clearly doesn't see/appreciate the hard work it takes to look after such a small baby. Does he interact or help with the baby at all when he's actually around?

I've a baby of a similar age, also ftm and ebf and it's bloody hard doing the lions share of looking after baby! My dp is also in spare room as makes it much easier for me to co sleep. But we keep saying how much we miss one another/intimacy and how this is only temporary and he's pretty hands on when not working (although I do have to prompt him sometimes!!). But yeah I do understand when you say you feel his life has barely changed whereas yours totally has -it's really hard.

He is being horrible. Just horribleness.

I could start into the explanations about jealousy, entitlement, pressure to provide but quite frankly, why the fuck should I? You pushed a baby out of your vagina. He should notice that you need support too.

Cunty thing to sleep in the spare room too, unless at your request. You are an amazing mum. No sarcasm. He sounds like a selfish child. You will have to train him or leave him.

Thanks for your messages. He finally apologised this morning and said he wanted to talk. Only after he heard me sobbing in the shower and after I reminded him the names he called me last night and that he is a bully.

No he doesn't do a much when we are here together. His latest trick is to shove Baby in to a junperoo so he can check his precious phone for work emails and updates on the soccer. This baby needs practice rolling, not jumperoo!

He also never offers to change any when we're out - so I've been carrying him in sling all day and then feeding him then I have to change him. How do you train this type of selfish person????

Although he did do some nice singing and nursery rhymes with the baby last night - only after I'd got him home from the soccer game and said I needed some help. Also it upsets me that he would even consider staying after the game is over on a Saturday when he could be here with his baby.

We used to argue a lot before baby too - but at least then we could walk away for a few hours. It's always because DH takes something too personally or can't admit a failure or weakness or that maybe I have a point about something.

I don't know what to do. Or how to make him see the reality of it all. Perhaps when I stop breastfeeding and leave him alone for a day with baby. But even then, I am scared that he'll be lazy with him and just watch endless tv rather than stimulating him or encouraging next developments in the baby.

Aw hun DH was useless with our dd
Until she started to crawl, he was amazing then and still is now ( she is 5)
I find A lot of men are a bit scared of the baby stage. We both argued after dd was born till she was 5 months old. We both found parenthood such a shock. I'm glad he apologised that's a good thing. It will get better op xxx

Although he did do some nice singing and nursery rhymes with the baby last night

This is disney dad. These are the beautiful parts of parenting. He needs to get shit on his hand with an exploded nappy. Or left with a screaming baby until he has to ask the amazing mum to help him.

Give him enough rope to hang himself with, then he'll see what you do. Back off today apart from the boob. He had his time out yesterday. Claim today as yours. Right now run a bath, get a book, and make him ask when he needs you.

If you can't do this, ask yourself why not.

His sarcasm was disgusting.

Today when the baby needs changing, point it out to your husband then walk away and busy yourself. and see what he does.

Thank so much all of you. The arguments continued and I think the bottom line is that he thinks I spend all day in the week drinking coffee and chatting to friends. So he feels entitled to do his hobbies and stuff at weekends and evenings. Until he sees how hard it is he will never appreciate me. He's now working at home - why he couldn't have done that yesterday instead of his other hobbies I don't know. Oh yes I do - it's because he's a selfish man who only sees things his way. If I could leave I would. Financially not possible. And so I slip into the well trodden path of millions of women.

If you want to leave, you can start planning now by starting to save up in an account he doesn't know about. Look at entitled.to.com to see what benefits your entitled to. If you can move back to where your family is, put in that for the address as universal credit means that different areas have very different benefits.

You shouldn't have to train a man to be a good father. It's not fair on you to feel trapped whilst nothing in his life changes. That isn't a partnership built on respect but his assumption that he is better than you.

stewiegmum. - thanks I know you're right about the last bit. Glad I'm not being unreasonable.

Good idea about saving up. Will do that. On maternity pay it's quite tricky. Thanks for web link.

he thinks I spend all day in the week drinking coffee and chatting to friends.

Ah, ok. Well that makes it perfectly clear. So, if you can do your 'hobby' with the baby then so can he, no? Time to get expressing op, baby's going to the match next week.

Op do you have access to the family money? Or does he keep 'his'?

No we pool all our income from jobs then share it out again. Sorry I know it sounded like we didn't in that last post. Yes bfeeding has to stop soon and he can then see that it's hard work for a while day(or two). I just want the love and respect that I think we should give each other as a couple. He's too 'whacked' at the end of a working day to take his own son from me for 15 mins. The implication is that I'm not too whacked at that point. Anyway.... i wish he'd talk to some other dads. That might help.

Oh rugby. A practical suggestion, if he thinks you drink coffee everyday anyway is just draw some cash weekly for a couple of extra coffee dates but put that cash away somewhere else. £20 a week would collect up quite quickly and if things resolve then you won't need it and can splurge on the family. It gives you the start of an option.

Thank you missgoggins - I appreciate your support and suggestions. Good ideas. And just good to know I'm not mad.

Unfortunately you can't make anyone love or respect you, but you can love and respect yourself and your baby, if he wants to join in he'd better start to show this love and respect.

Do you think he thinks you could not leave because of finances?
Do you think he thinks he can get away with this behaviour because of your limited options?
If so, do you see how horrible that is?

You sound wonderful, you don't deserve to be treated this way.

One suggestion with the jumparoo, leave him to it, let baby enjoy and then get fussy. He shouldn't leave baby in there if they are upset. The developmental stuff, you might have to release the clench on that a bit. Let him get good a cuddles and shitty nappies - we aren't all wired to the developmental stuff unless we've been bombarded with all the info since the sperm touched the egg! Let him be imperfect, but he must start joining in.

Consider expressing. He needs to loose the 'baby is hungry' excuse to hand them back when he gets bored.

Your not-so-D Husband wants his cake and to eat it too while you concentrate on being the full time parent. He sometimes graces his son with his presence to play or sing rhymes. And berates you at volume in front of him, too.

I don't know how far he went apologising but he doesn't grasp the teamwork bit, does he.

Breastfeeding is not his department but there is so much else he can contribute! No reason why his lordship can't perform other basic tasks like nappy changing. I agree some men don't click into parenting mode until their child starts to walk by which time the mother is pretty fed up doing all the grunt work.

Are any of your and his friends parents as well? Do you have get-togethers with infants at weekends so he can see how other dads function?

So on the one hand, he's saying that looking after the baby all day is sooooo easy you don't need a break. But on the other hand, it's sooooo hard that he can't even do 15 minutes of it after work?

That's just bollocks. You know it, and so does he. He doesn't need training, or guiding, or gently encouraged to see what other dads do. He knows he is being unfair to you, and he doesn't care.

You deserve so much better than this.

He sounds like a selfish dick. Sorry, wouldn't put up with it at all. I dated a football fan once and refused to do it ever again. My DH doesn't watch it at all. He may not do night feeds, but he does all of the discount food shopping, he cooks every night and he cleans all of the dishes and kitchen every night. He also helps feed our two cats and clean up after them and does housework when I ask him too. When he's home, he sits with baby if I need to do something, brings the pram down in the mornings so I don't have to carry it and babysits and encourages me to go out to my hobbies once or twice a week. That's how it should be. When I put baby down for the night, I walk downstairs with a glass of wine in front of the TV waiting for me, the remote to put something on and my hubby in the kitchen cooking. Show this to your OH as what is normal as a dad. My hubby even woke up at 7.30am on a Sunday to watch baby and I at baby swimming and then cooked brunch afterwards.

Thank you everyone. Good advice and interesting to hear how it works for others out there.

Today has been conducted in silence. Then he suggested that next weekend he doesn't go to the soccer match but goes to the afterwork activity only. It's something. And I've made it clear we can't move on as long as he thinks that my job is easier and as long as he continues to not respect me for what I do. Just saying 'thank you for the time to go to the soccer game' would be enough... I know it will change when I stop bfeeding but still I want him to say thank you. Just like I do to him.

It's not that I need him to do more stuff around the house as such - I just want him to appreciate what I do do. He said that I had all the time when the baby naps - what?! What naps? And if he does nap it's for 30 mins and that's when I do all the washing of baby's clothes, sort out filing, organise for plumbers or whatever.... he thinks I sit around watching tv in those rare nap moments!!! I hope I'm not the only woman who has a husband with such wrong perspectives.

53rdandabird - you are so right. Next time he comes home from work I'll hand the baby to him and say it's a little break for HIM as this is such easy work after the day he's had. Then I'll go for a walk.