Why do I feel like this

[Andysgirl15]

I have a DD 2 and DS 10 weeks. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do so please don't judge me.

This has all come about in the last couple of weeks and I can't believe I'm going to say this but I feel nothing, I look at my 2 beautiful children and nothing, no rush of love no nothing. I feel like I'm watching strangers children and their not mine. Everything I have to do for them feels like nothing but a chore. I do things because I have to not because I want to. My partner works 4 days a week and when he's not at home I sit and cry, I'm constantly shouting at my 2 year old and telling my little boy to shut up because he does nothing but cry. Nothing I do feels good enough for them they would be better off without me.

When DP is not at work I don't do a single thing because I don't want to and I don't have the energy. I go back to work in may and I really can't wait. I really can't cope by myself and I'm ashamed to admit it, I carried these children and gave birth to them and I hate feeling like this because it's really not their fault. They were both planned and I've always been maternal so I really didn't plan to be feeling this way

Does this make me a bad mum. I do want more children but am I always going to feel like this because if so I'm not having any more

Sweetheart, you need to see your gp. You have classic symptoms of pnd.

I felt exactly the same as you when my first baby. Exactly the same.

I had postnatal depression.

Please speak to your GP. You aren't a bad person and no one will bat an eyelid. Antidepressants really helped me, and when I felt totally better I came off them.

I sort of suspected it was pnd but I kind of dismissed it because I don't seem as bad as some of the womens stories I have read who have suffered with it

It doesn't matter whether you don't feel like you're as bad as some women - you feel miserable and shitty and that's enough. PND (and sleep deprivation for that matter) poisons your thinking and rids you of all your resilience. Well it did me, anyway.

I promise you there's a light at the end of the tunnel if you seek help and are honest about what you're feeling.

PNd comes in so many different ways, vary from case to case. As pp mentioned you have classic symptoms though.

I felt like this after my second child. It was the hardest point of my life as a parent. Hell.

I had PTSD which was helped with hypnotherapy. Some private CBT helped my anxiety. I've had postnatal anxiety and OCD after all of my children but when I had the two of them it was the hardest.

These things might get better by themselves but they will improve far faster if you seek help. I wouldn't say it's not normal to feel like this because for a lot of women it is. But it isn't healthy or productive or fair on any of you. You deserve to be enjoying your children and they deserve a mum who is well and happy.

Go and see your GP. Take your OP if it helps, you won't be judged.

FWIW I've had 2 more children since I felt like you do and it's not the same at all. Things are still stressful and hard (additional needs and home educating don't help ) but I am well and I am happy and my children are amazing and beautiful (they're also bloody hard work but it no longer feels like the end of the world.

You'll get through this but you'll need support. Talk to your OH and be kind to yourself. I hope things start looking up for you soon

Oh, and another vote for PND here too. See the doctor and make sure you don't underplay how numb ,sad and awful you feel.

As others have said PND can take many forms. I went into emotional shut down; on the surface I was fully functioning but I was really poorly. Please go and see your GP.

As well as seeing your gp, have a look at this charity/ website.

They have a help line as well as meetings in some areas.

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk

Bless you. Firstly you do sound like you need a bit of support. But i don't think you should pressure yourself to feel rushed of love etc. You will always feel numb if you expect feelings and anxiously fear the absence of them. It's normal when anxious or exhausted to feel as you do. Don't pressure yoyrself or feel bad, it's sooo common. Right now you need to see your GP, chat with your health visitor and open up to someone close to you. It will get better

I have some good days but it doesn't last long. To the entire world I look fine on the outside but in the inside I feel like I'm dying and my minds constantly going at 100mph with all different thoughts. I'm making an app in the morning to see my gp. Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

You are NOT a terrible mother, you have postpartum depression! You need to see your doctor IMMEDIATELY. Don't wait!